COMRADE DAVE

A Story by jayanth

everyone wants to be a hero in their life, a little hero with the same motive faces his own consequences and hurdles to win something. our hero, COMRADE DAVE.

‘ Fire in the hole ', a brisk voice was alarmed and it was none other than my commander. We managed to hide behind a broken rock where all of us could fit in waiting for the impact of the grenade which my commander threw to get over. My name is David, people call me Dave and I call myself ‘Comrade Dave’. This battle seems like the longest battle I’ve ever been in out of the 2 battles I’ve been before. I managed to last more than 15 minutes this time, I don’t know why I pass out whenever the tension hits my head. This time I promised myself I will not pass-out and wanted to witness our victory while I’m awake, I was determined and focused to not pass out instead of focusing on the enemies who were running towards me to attack.

I would have died if not for my commander who called out my name to warn me about the attack. I managed to dodge the attackers and fire at them but I know that was a fluke and it wouldn’t have killed them, but hey it had an impact on their body and that is a once in a lifetime for me. I couldn’t believe they never shot me when they had their guns with them and instead they just charged towards me. Why would they do that? , I was in a shock as I kept staring at the soldiers. I had to move now, I could sense the tension rising up and I cannot afford to pass out this time, I need to move and react.
‘Dave move it, now ‘, I heard my fellow comrade shouting at me and I started running without looking back at the ones I shot. I wanted to do something to make my country proud of, I looked around to see soldiers fighting and shooting at each other, but I couldn’t see any heavy tanks or any other heavy destroying machines.

Everything felt like a movie all of a sudden, everything was happening in slow motion, I could see the soldiers face reaction in slow motion and I couldn’t help, but laugh at their gorgeous reactions. I could see the bullets clearly moving after being fired and it was magical and I could also see the impact of the bullet making on soldiers. I was pumped up, but it took me few minutes to realize that I was in a battle and started running towards enemies, still in a slow motion. I felt like true hero when I managed to get through all the enemies I faced but later, I found something which was weird to me , there was a container just lying on the battlefield and a machine gun placed on top of it and a body of a dead soldier near it, that I figured he must have placed the machine gun on top of it and probably got shot by an enemy but how did this container end up here and I don’t remember noticing it before, it was weird and something came up in my head.

I wasted no time and ran towards the container dodging the enemies and my own fellow comrades and reached a ladder attached to the container to climb up and just then something stopped me. I turned both my sides to look at enemies charging towards me but I don’t understand why are they not firing at me right from there when they have a gun with them. I had to get to that machine gun or this might be the final battle I’ll ever be in and the moment I reached the top of the container, I felt it. I felt it rising up, I didn't want this to happen, not at this point. I looked down and looked around, everyone was looking at me, I could see only the enemies, where did my comrades go? where did my commander go?. I knew what was going to happen next and right there I lost my vision when I felt my sweat dripping down my face and the tension hit my head.

‘ You didn’t let me complete again Dave ‘, I opened my eyes to see my mom sitting beside and that smile is always the best start to my day. ‘Why do you let me sleep half way ma? I was going to win it this time ‘. Her smile widened and she gave a morning kiss on my forehead, ‘ I know son, I believe you lasted for more time compared to your previous battle yeah? ‘ . ‘yes, but it was weird this time. let’s start afresh tonight ma please? and this time I am going to win it please make sure you don’t let me sleep this time okay? ‘. I was excited for tonight and I knew what mom was going to say next,
‘Roger That, COMRADE DAVE'.

© 2017 jayanth

Author's Note

give in your honest opinions :) TIA

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JayG

• ‘ Fire in the hole ', a brisk voice was alarmed and it was none other than my commander.

You're telling the story in the same words you would use were you with an audience. Unfortunately, that can't work because only you know how you would read it. Verbal storytelling is a performance art, and unless the reader can see and hear HOW you perform the story there's no emotion in the narrator's voice. You can tell me how any character in the story speaks a line, so I "hear it," in the way the character speaks it. But you cannot tell me how the narrator's lines are spoken. A reader can't even guess, because until it's read the reader doesn't know what it will say. And then it's too late. Have your computer read it aloud and you'll hear how different what the reader gets is from what you get when you read it.

Our medium is very different from verbal storytelling, and limited because we can neither see nor hear the performer. It's different from film because we can't see or hear the action. And we cannot use the writing skills we learn in school because they're meant to make us useful to employers, and they need us to explain things to the reader. Fiction readers want us to entertain them by presenting a story they can live in real-time, with the protagonist as our avatar. And different goals require different methods.

So, the good news? You can learn the tricks of the trade o fiction as easily (or with as much difficulty, I suppose) as you learned nonfiction writing. And if you're meant to be a writer the learning will be fun.

The bad? You probably won't be buying a new car with your royalty money this year.

But since it's not a matter of how well or badly you're writing, and is something pretty much every hopeful writer gets hit with, it's no big deal, just a delay in the time till you're rich and famous. 😉

You might want to poke around in the writing articles in my blog. They're written for the hopeful writer.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Posted 6 Years Ago

• ‘ Fire in the hole ', a brisk voice was alarmed and it was none other than my commander.

You're telling the story in the same words you would use were you with an audience. Unfortunately, that can't work because only you know how you would read it. Verbal storytelling is a performance art, and unless the reader can see and hear HOW you perform the story there's no emotion in the narrator's voice. You can tell me how any character in the story speaks a line, so I "hear it," in the way the character speaks it. But you cannot tell me how the narrator's lines are spoken. A reader can't even guess, because until it's read the reader doesn't know what it will say. And then it's too late. Have your computer read it aloud and you'll hear how different what the reader gets is from what you get when you read it.

Our medium is very different from verbal storytelling, and limited because we can neither see nor hear the performer. It's different from film because we can't see or hear the action. And we cannot use the writing skills we learn in school because they're meant to make us useful to employers, and they need us to explain things to the reader. Fiction readers want us to entertain them by presenting a story they can live in real-time, with the protagonist as our avatar. And different goals require different methods.

So, the good news? You can learn the tricks of the trade o fiction as easily (or with as much difficulty, I suppose) as you learned nonfiction writing. And if you're meant to be a writer the learning will be fun.

The bad? You probably won't be buying a new car with your royalty money this year.

But since it's not a matter of how well or badly you're writing, and is something pretty much every hopeful writer gets hit with, it's no big deal, just a delay in the time till you're rich and famous. 😉

You might want to poke around in the writing articles in my blog. They're written for the hopeful writer.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Rating /100