The Girl in the Attic

Every time I walk by that house I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I see that girl's eyes staring at me from the attic with a look of longing. No one believes me when I mention that girl in the attic. I walk by her house daily. I want to help her so bad. I can’t stop thinking about her; everyday in class I am lost in thoughts of her. No one deserves to be caged like that. I have made my plan tomorrow I will help the girl get out of the attic. I grab a piece of paper write down I will help you and walk to her house and hold it up in front of her. She smiles at me. I wish I could see more than her eyes. They are so beautiful I know she’s going to be an angel. I spent the whole night getting ready. I packed my bag now the time has come. I run into the yard and start to climb the lattices; I hope they can hold my weight. I can hear my heart beating right through my chest. I am almost to the top. I scream her name. Open the window. No one opens the window. I bang on the window. Where is she? She pops up suddenly. Oh thank god. Open up this lattice won’t hold much longer. Out of nowhere appears two men in white. They open the window. NOOO!!! The girl is gone. I must have fallen off the lattice I am on the ground. They are drugging me to take me away. Someone help please!! I beg for anyone in the world to help me. A woman runs up. She will help. She places straps around me. Who are these people that take girls hostage? God their going to kill me. The woman yells doctor she is still hallucinating. She saw herself in the window again.

Reviews

[Relic]

Not a bad story. I was wondering how she knew the girl's name but I think I know now. I'll give it a 100. :)

[matrixmark]

HOOKED...straight away, from the first paragraph. It's this type of writing that really gets me gripped and pulls me in. OMG WHAT AN ENDING.

Short..yes....Brilliant..yes.

Mark.

[NA]

Really enjoyed this.. :)

[InsanityWriter]

Very interesting. :) I love the twist at the end! Great work. (:

[Imara]

You start in the present tense and then move into the past then back to the present, I think you should stay in the present since this is such a short piece.
"...write down I will help you and walk to her house..." The part that is written on the paper needs to have '...' around it or be italicized to show that its something that's written.
Wow great twist ending! I didn't see that coming at all. Great job on such a short piece, I love your descriptions I can see it all going on in my head. Very dramatic, great job. I love it. :)

[Marie]

You wrote this well (remember to make "girl's" possessive), and it's quite a good flash fiction piece.

[Jayden Ireton]

Thank you very much for pointing that out. I am glad you enjoyed it.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

Interesting idea... I like this one. I think you could easily expand this into a longer short story that gets a little more involved in the characters. I like the twist, and the way that the "hallucination" is brought to light. A few little grammatical corrections, perhaps some phrasing, as it seems as though this may have been written slightly in haste, and you have a fine piece!

[Jayden Ireton]

Yes I could have made this a ten thousand word story easily. I was just writing for fun in between writing for my book. I wrote it all at once in like ten minutes and posted it. Thank you for reading.