Everyone
has been bullied at least once in their life. That's not something
that can be argued. It's a sad, honest-to-God truth that we live in a
jacked up world. Nobody is perfect; we all have a flaw or two which
people absolutely love pointing
out in a crowd.
We as humans all want to be the best. We all want
to be on top. Everyone wants to be seen as the king (or queen) of
their peers. It's a mutual desire that's shared amongst all of us.
Sadly, a lot of people try to get there by taking the
shortcut"knocking everyone else down a bit, giving themselves the
edge, just to be the hero, to be the person everyone looks up
to.
The more upsetting truth is exactly that. Think of what I
just told you. Everyone in this world has been bullied at some point
in their lives; how do we react? How do we attempt to climb back up
the social ladder? Some people learn to live with it. They wake up
and realize that it doesn't matter. They walk with their head held
high, just begging for someone to try and take them down, just so
they can show the world how strong they are. Bravo, to you. I applaud
your courage. The rest of us, however, take the much, much easier
road. We knock others down, and climb over them to get ahead. Most of
us become the bully.
I'm
no exception, and about 95% of you reading this are in the same boat.
Amongst
my peers, I'm generally seen as the nice guy. I'm the guy that women
come to, just to have a shoulder to cry on. I'm the guy who stops
what he's doing at the local grocery store to help a 90-year-old
woman grab the box of Raisin Bran that's just out
of her reach. I'm the guy who gives peopled
unbiased advice, and gives them the hard-to-handle truth, just to
hear them say “thank you” four days later. I've always been the
generous guy. I've always been seen as a leader. I've always been
that guy dads actually want their
daughter to date. I've always been in good standing with the people
around me.
Granted, I was never “popular” by any means.
When the people I didn't
know would talk about me, they'd usually refer to me as the “choir
guy”. I was well-respected, for sure, but I was never the guy
getting invited to parties, or anything like that. I was the nice
guy"I was the guy who didn't really care about popularity. I was
happy with being the dude offering his shoulder to anyone who needed
it. I was proud of myself, and of the person I was.
I was
never content with that, though. Halfway through my high school
education, I, of course, wanted more. Who doesn't? As a teenager, the
social ladder becomes more important than it ever will be later in
life.
That stuff I just told you about not caring about
popularity? It's true. That throws a lot of people for a loop. I
never DID care about being popular.
What I did care about was
sexuality. I always felt (and still do to this day) that I am a much
more sexual being than most men are. I don't mean it in the “I'm
too sexy for my shirt” kind of way. What I mean is that from a very
young age, I have been amazed by the female body. Mesmerized by what
it can look like, and what it can do. To be blunt, I was a very horny
high school student, much more so than most guys are at the tender
ages of 12-17.
Chances are, you're feeling that there's no need
for you to know all this, when my main point is on bullying. If
you're still reading this, I thank you for staying with me. This is
the point of the read where my point comes to a head.
Being
the kind-hearted, though sexual, guy I am, I never bullied in the
common “Oh my god, look at her nose. It's huge!” kind of way. I
bullied in a much more severe, much more sinister kind of way. The
kind of way that makes me feel sick with guilt as I type
this.
Don't get ahead of me, now. Don't assume I'm some kind
of pedophile, or a rapist. I'm not. I'm just a sexual guy, who made
the mistake of blackmailing a girl for pictures (and favors).
Some
people, especially guys, will read that previous sentence and think
“That's it!? I've done WAY worse than that!”. I don't blame you;
that's the exact reaction I got from fellow students when I was sent
to a behavior school for my antics. To you, it may not be a big deal.
To me, it's huge. Especially considering the fact that my attempts at
cyber-bullying nearly caused a sweet, innocent young woman to take
her own attempt, at her own life.
I
nearly caused a bright young lady to kill herself. I don't like to
think of how I'd feel if she had. Not only do I feel torn-up as it
is, but the repurcussions I had to endure when I went back to public
school were nearly unbearable.
For the first time in my life, I was being shunned to the point of
self-destruction. The combination of guilt, rumors surrounding the
reasons why I had been sent away to a different school, the looks I
received from the people who used to trust me, and the friction I had
caused amongst my own family were all nearly enough to cause myself
to take my own precious
life.
I
never did cut myself, though I came really close. There was a period
of time, for a few months, where I was scared to open the silverware
drawer in the kitchen. The knives were calling me. They were tempting
me. They shouted rude things at me, told me I don't deserve to live
after all the trouble I had caused not only to that girl, but to the
people who loved her.
I'm not trying to play the victim. I
wasn't. I was the villian, who deserved what he got. If it weren't
for my best friend, I probably would have
grabbed a knife. I don't even think he realizes how much he helped me
during that time, or even if he knew he was
helping me. I thank the heavens it didn't take more to get me to grow
up. I don't know if I could have taken any more guilt, and lived to
tell the tale.
The point of my story is this: Everyone has
been bullied, even the bullies.
I'm not trying to excuse their
behavior. I don't even excuse my own. I feel incredibly fortunate to
be able to not only put all that happened in the past, but to be able
to speak freely about it here, no matter how sick the memories make
me feel.
In the three years since then, I've been living with a
lot of guilt. I'm still a virgin"partly because I do have
morals, and partly because, to be honest, I'm afraid. Not of sex
itself, but of that feeling of temptation, that feeling of sexuality,
that feeling of lust I felt while blackmailing a sweet, nice girl. I
can't make too many sexual comments, even as JOKES, without feeling
like a piece of s**t (as I probably should). I feel guilty, and sick,
when I begin to feel turned-on, even with my girlfriend of almost
two-years"not to mention all the other little things surrounding
that dark time that pop up. People who used to adore me haven't
spoken to me in three years. I can't text while I'm laying in bed
past midnight, because I'm afraid of what I'll say, and who I'll say
it to. I get flashbacks when I hear a siren, or see a badge, or step
into the high school that I, for four years, considered a second
home. That week of blackmail has run its course, yet I still
hurt...And I was the one who brought it upon myself.
Those of
you out there who are thinking of bullying, let me urge you not to.
Not just for the possible victim's sake (thank God she's okay), but
for yours as well. Being a bully (and a one-time one at that) can do
quite a number on you as you grow up. Even now, I deal with the
rumors from three whole years ago. I stand strong, and put on a brave
face, but my spirit cringes everytime something reminds me of those
few months I spent in hell. It all began with myself, a phone, and a
pretty girl. Please be smarter than I was. Don't get into bullying,
even as a first-timer. It could scar you for life.