Exhausted

I'm a mess and so is this. Trying to find some understanding but I am all over the place.

I've come to the conclusion, I'm flawed, I'm broken,

There is a part of me I have rarely ever spoken.

It is something that comes and goes,

When the light inside me, no longer glows.

A dark place I tried to bury, I tried to hide,

I was happy, when people asked I admit I lied.

Throw on a fake smile, like nothing was bothering me,

People close to me could clearly see, I wasn't me.

I would again tell them I was fine, but it was a lie,

All I wanted was to go home and cry.

The troubling thing was, I never understood why,

Why I was feeling this way, why? It always came back to why.

I search and I search, but can't find an answer,

The question was eating me inside, like a cancer.

It started to infect more and more of my life,

Not having an answer was the cause of much strife.

Even as I write this now, an answer eludes me,

I am so tired, tired of this feeling inside of me.

People often say, you aren't alone,

Hollow words mean little, if actions aren't shown.

If I was suicidal or thought of hurting myself,

Would the thought of those words stop me from hurting myself?

How could they? If they couldn't inspire positivity,

The expectation they could drown out the negative, doesn't work for me.

That's not to say I haven't ever thought about it,

In my darkest of times, I admit I debated it.

But despite having an overwhelming sadness and I think I can't take it,

I still find something to hold onto, a small brief bit of respite.

Knowing I can still find something, even small, there is hope,

So I have yet to resign myself to the rope.

I have never really sat down to write about my depression,

After all, who am I to use you like a therapy session?

I fear this will come out like a confession,

If I don't do it now I fear regression.

This feels to me like a incoherent mess,

The more I write, the more I stress.

Writing was always an outlet for me,

I am troubled that this time it isn't have the same effect for me.

I didn't dig down to the root of my depression,

Admittedly it fills me with increased frustration.

I don't know where I will go from here, the pain while hidden is quite real,

I am just tired of pretending to be stronger than I feel.

Author's Note

Review if you like. I know it's a mess, I just wanted to get some thoughts out there.

Reviews

[Stan Lee]

Hey Josh, Well done for getting all this out. This line stuck out to me, "I have never really sat down to write about my depression,
After all, who am I to use you like a therapy session?" You dont have to worry, cz we all get to chose what we read and review. A lot of people on here understand depression too. So know that you're not "alone" in the struggle. Keep writing. It's raw, it's real and I think it's great. :)

[WillaDanvers]

Holy. S**t. Reading this, I travelled back to a time when I didn't know what was going on, where I was struggling to hold on to my own reality... and this poem explains and describes it to perfection! Amazing!

[Not Active]

I really like the beginning. it gets weaker as the poem goes on. They rhyming seems a little forced but other than that i think you did well.

[Talia Ayers]

This. THis. THIs.THIS. Is. IS. My. MY. Life. LIfe. LIFe. LIFE. This poem is my life.

[Lost, n'MT]

So relatable, so painful, and just brutal honesty that really hits home. I really enjoy your rhyme schemes, and you did a wonderful job capturing and describing just what it feels like to feel so flawed that you must be broken. Brilliant ending to sum up it's like to fight the battles each day, with feeling so drained that you're no longer able to pretend to force a smile. Great piece.