The Overweight Me: Part One (Reimagined)

The Overweight Me: Part One (Reimagined)

A Poem by Joshua McNay
"

One of my often times harder to read poems. I was honest here more so than usual. I wanted to add some more personal stuff to it so I added me. Me looking into a mirror to be exact.

"

© 2017 Joshua McNay



Author's Note

Joshua McNay
Review if you like, it's an older piece with some new imagery added to the words. Thank you for reading!

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Reviews

This poem shows so much emotion and pain. It really shows the hardships that no one sees. In front of the mirror is the hardest place to be. Keep up the great work!

Posted 5 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Joshua McNay

5 Months Ago

Thanks! I am happier now then when I initially wrote that but you're right there are hardships peopl.. read more
Geodan

5 Months Ago

No problem!
Thank you for entering my competition.

I liked how you referred to it as a 'song' and how it ends with a strong sense of motivation to pursue the problem that is making you unhappy, no matter how frightening it may be.

Once again, thank you.

Posted 7 Months Ago


Dear Joshua,
I just registered here because of your poem (I saw it on reddit). I don't know why but your poem really touched me. Even though I've never been overweight I've been struggling with pretty severe underweight since childhood. I don't want to compare my 'problem' with yours because mine is probably still rather different. Still... I like your poem :)

Posted 8 Months Ago


Joshua McNay

8 Months Ago

Wow that's seems like quite the compliment since you could have commented on Reddit. Thanks for sign.. read more
This has a good premise and narrative, but sometimes the musicality is a bit tricky, and I'm not sure how to read some lines, or quite certainly find the lines a little too wordy for the musicality to carry over. Particularly in the transition to the second stanza. Stanza 1 is fine. It flows, it's a bit wonky, but on the whole, it doesn't need anything done to it to help it flow better. Once the jump to Stanza 2 happens, there's a shift in the musicality, and it sounds somewhat off. It wouldn't matter too much if you have fun and set each stanza in a relatively different musicality, but if you're trying to keep it consistent, it's not flowing as well as it should. Stanzas 2, 3, and 4 share that similar "offness" and only Stanza 1 seems like it - forgive my use of words here - "actually cares for the poem". The coda is fantastic. It's musically fluid and hits every note well until it comes down with a bang for the ending. It doesn't need any tweaking. But some consideration should be taken for the body stanzas to determine how to better make them dance (like how Stanza 1 and the coda dance). This has potential on the whole! Well done!

Posted 8 Months Ago


Joshua McNay

8 Months Ago

Thank you. I appreciate the input and will look at trying to fix some of the small stuff. I wrote it.. read more

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405 Views
4 Reviews
Rating
Added on August 9, 2017
Last Updated on August 9, 2017
Tags: overweight, struggle, weight, change, reflection

Author

Joshua McNay
Joshua McNay

Grand Junction, CO



About
I write about a Little Red Fox, I hope you enjoy his adventures as much as I do! Thanks for stopping by and as always thank you for reading! Featuring art by Emily Chan, be sure to check her work o.. more..

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