Maybe Tomorrow

has a lttle editing done -------------------

 

Maybe Tomorrow

 

 

My gaze wanders down the sloping hill at my feet, meanders past the sandy beach and across the gently curling wavelets trickling along the shore. Momentarily, my gaze is captured by the flash of colour dancing from the brilliant red sails of a small sailboat bobbing along the edge of a rocky out crop.

 

 

"When the red red robin comes bob bob bobbing along, along" this old refrain from the past tickled my mind and I felt my lips twitch in a smile.

 

 

Just where the ocean and sky kiss in a misty haze, a passing tanker sends plumes of black smoke skyward, leaving them to drift lazily behind and gently merge with fluffy clouds. "Where are you going," I wondered, " What exotic place draws you beyond my sight"  I pondered the thought as the tanker slipped beyond my view.

 

 

My eyes gaze further to the left and see the city outline, tall buildings etched against the skyline. " How long has it been since I last walked those streets?" I wondered. Just an idle thought of no real consequence, I was quite content here.

 

 

A sound edged its way into the silence of my hilltop. A low level, irritating sound like the distant buzz of bees around a honey pot. Recognizing the sound as distant traffic I discovered it was not too unpleasant, maybe just a little distracting.

 

 

My gaze came back to the ocean directly in front, and settled onto the far horizon. I could feel myself becoming lighter, and felt as though I could fly if I wanted to. I could hear sweet voices calling me and became aware of gentle hands lifting me.

 

 

Pulling back, my gaze fastened onto the red sails ahead and I listened to the song dancing in my head. I knew I would have to go soon – but not yet --- not yet.

 

 

 

My wife laid me to rest, here on this hill, this hill we both loved so well. This hill where we met, walked, talked and loved our way through many special moments.

 

 

She brings me fresh flowers every day. I will miss that, I’ll miss her –

 

               I’ll miss --- I’ll miss……

 

 

                           My gaze falters and my vision fades –

 

  I hear the sweetest voices call my name and gentle fingers merge with mine.

 

         My voice, just a whisper in the fading distance, 

         tomorrow -

                          maybe tomorrow-------------------

 

 

 

ã JG January 2008

 

Author's Note

any and all comments, thoughts etc, welcome -- Thanks

Reviews

[Jonathon Francis]

Like a leaf floating in the wind this small but potent piece is light, heart felt and touching. Some writers feel they have to write pages and pages to make a story. Your style here proves what can be said in a short story that will capture the reader in the end...

Bravo...

[J-Boo]

Aw, very touching. You do write some wonderful imagery. I like the form of htis story, too - each paragraph relatively short but poignant.

I enjoy how, in hindsight, the narrator wondering how long it has been since he walked the city's streets becomes more meaningful. As in "How long have I been dead?"

I wonder why he will miss his wife though. I mean, I got the idea that he had already been dead for some time, and he sees his wife bring him flowers. If he is going to miss her, does this mean that once she dies, they will not be together in death? I guess maybe even he doesn't know the answer to that!

[Ady]

You do a wonderful job with imagery!

[BrightEyes]

what a journey here...didn't expect the ending at all...liked the fading out quality at the end of this work. makes me sad though...thinking that he just fades away at the end....or ...perhaps maybe he is just passing on to somewhere better. intriguing and creative write.

laura

[Alexander W. Quinn]

Wow... The piece took me somewhere I wasn't expecting to go when I first started, and the impact was quite a surprise when I got to the line about 'being laid to rest'. This made me have to rethink the previous paragraphs, a happy little sneaky twist, kinda like watching "The Sixth Sense" for the first time. Interesting.
The only piece that doesn't work for me here is the quick focus on the tanker crossing the ocean. Since the piece is a short, it kind of steals focus that ends up not being connected to anything, whereas the little red sail boat gives connectivity to past memories ala the song. I would just ditch the tanker part. Everything else is grand.

[Tara Jean Olson]

lovely. in order to improve this, maybe you could develop the subects first person account for the life they had experienced. bravo.

[Phil Sanders]

I love the story ... beautiful imagery and you feel as if you were standing there .. for some reason the only line I didn't like and I thought out of place was this one ...may just be a personal thing but it didn't seem to fit?...............

" What do you carry so safely over there"

Personally ... "What wondrous cargoes travel there inside" would seem a more appropriate thought?

Just a suggestion ...

Kindest regards

Phil