Sitting Duck

You don’t know pain until you lose someone. Someone who had died, you grieve for them. But I think death of a relationship with someone of the living is even worse. Moments up to the inevitable, your stomach is in knots and you can’t eat or drink or sleep. This pain in your chest doesn’t go away. It’s the pain of all your petals dying. This is when you’re at with the most vulnerability. A sitting duck. Your heart is ready to be torn out of your chest but hoping it’s all a dream. And when can I wake up? Even after the break up, it’s a continuous cycle of you seeing a picture of them and the feeling in your chest comes back. It comes back up every time you’re reminded of them. Thoughts of inadequacy and worthlessness come back. Wondering why he would tell you that he loves you up to your last moments with him. He thinks it’s a courtesy and nice thing to do but it’s the worst. You spend every day thinking what happened? How could a relationship so ordinary become a roller coaster all within a day?

Here you sit, waiting for him to call you to end it and you’ve already started grieving. Anywhere you walk in your home, reminds you of him. Kissing in your bed. Ballroom dancing in your room. Sitting on the couch and cuddling while watching a movie. Sharing the shower and washing each other. Looking deep into his dark chocolate eyes and saying I love you and caressing his cheek. These thoughts come in floods and they’re uncontrollable. This is why you’re a sitting duck. You’re sitting here in complete vulnerability and confusion as you wait for him to validate your worth. Because you don’t have it in you to break up with him as wrong as his actions are. You sit here already grieving, without knowing whether you will continue your life with him or remember how to be alone. And remember why you are alone. Because no one wants you and you’re meant to be alone. All the love you give out isn’t enough.

Reviews

[ava KH]

Thank you for sharing and I hope you benefit by telling people your struggles and giving them a voice. I can relate to your feelings and that gives me one more connection and one more reason to know I'm not alone. I don't know if this helps but I love your writing and I hope just this little bit is enough to make you smile. :)

[jenna]

thank you so much!