What Do You Think Mom?

I wonder what my mom thinks when she looks down on me every day.

Would she be happy to see my success, or sad when she sees the struggles I face in my head every day?

It’s become an unconscious motion but everything I do includes a thought of her. What does she think of me taking a s**t ton of antidepressants and mood stabilizers to get by? What does she think of me smoking a blunt when those prescriptions aren’t enough? Or those days where life becomes so difficult, all goes numb as I slice my skin? Me wasting the day away, unable to get out of bed? Spending restless nights stuck in my thoughts that seem to never end?

Would she be proud of me for getting through all that pain or would she be disappointed I have those problems in the first place?

And if she were able to communicate to me, would she tell me she loves me?

Or would she show her anger and disappointment in me as she did when she was alive?