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worth (a thinking thing).

worth (a thinking thing).

A Poem by jenniewren (J.W. Bouwman)
"

pardon the muddle, mop up the puddle, we all float down here, folks

"
what is the value of worth?
what is the worth of my soul?
i'd like to say it is a concrete amount
but i am far too often lost
adrift
senseless
having been cold-cocked once again
by the suckerpunch of reality
of where my true worth stands
(at least according 
to the reflection
of me
in your eyes)

i read the tomes, looked for a guru
to show me how to base my worth
solely upon myself, because i've been told
that is what is healthy
i haven't the discipline for chanting
and my one attempt at finding a teacher
ended in his rather clumsy attempt for a threesome
(his wife held 
an unhealthy reflection
of me
in her eyes)

so i wander
using small lights to stumble
through the darkness that is my awareness
trying to find the balancing scales
i'm supposed to hold within myself
because my current unit of measurement
seems to have gotten a bit cloudy..
(that reflection 
of me 
in your eyes)

how can a person's worth be so arbitrary
and easily discarded?
how do i hold
the strength of my own worth
as immobile and resolute
when i don't even know how to look?
how do i finally see
the reflection
of me
in my eyes?

worth (a thinking thing) *poem* sound clip

© 2010 jenniewren (J.W. Bouwman)



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Beautiful. I'm just enough of a wise-guy to think I have some answers to this classic inquiry, but I'm mindful of the pitfalls of hubris. ;-)

The strange pricelessness of an intuitive Clearing that outshines all the inevitable reasons for worrisomeness indeed defies outside valuation.

As one who has suffered dings and dents and slings and arrows like everyone else, I can say that an increased sense of existential valuation did not come from the world of congratulations. I've had such highlight moments, but it has nothing to do w/an enduring sense of worth. Neither is talking yourself into some degree of self-respect regardless of the vagaries of mirrored love, either.

Seems to me it's a greater familiarity w/being the teabag dipped in infinite hot water. All the gurus who have anything to say or emanate at all are teabags steeped in infinite hot water, and they managed to begin to identify w/the water more than the bag. Even some such Nondualists manage to be scoundrels, so f**k the entire convention of "otherness."

Taking to heart an intuition that the habitual one seeking validation is beside the point, that in fact we are only superficially who we think we are, a bemused zone of observant inquiry emerges, a propensity not only to steadily and lightly question the integrity of the judgment from without, but even more so questioning the judgment from within, and testing the timeless assertion that what one seeks is always already the case and paradoxically looking through one's own eyes.

One starts spontaneously integrating this, when one is simply tired of an overriding sense of bullshit re the aforementioned judgments from without, and the worrisome judgments from within.

One still has one's ups and downs, but one is more steadily aware of observing without concern. Observing the observer deepens and clears mysteriously.

There are too many styles of grappling w/the aspects of separate self worry vis-a-vis an emerging profound seamless acceptance for me to note here. I simply know that if one grapples authentically w/the core issue of who or what are you really, that what REMAINS starts finding YOU. After all, Buddha-nature emerged in the historical Gautama because he had truly exhausted every other possibility. The Awakening was that of inherent Being that simply waits for the provisional self to get tired of itself.

So it seems this Enlightenment mode is not something one attains. It attains YOU. One can increase the odds via one's bemused psychological tilt. I'm just happy to have a view of the expressive implications.

We underestimate the power of not believing in anything -- including the spectrum of optimism/pessimism/nihilism. Why do we have to believe anything about ourselves or anyone else? I'm not saying we don't deploy relative opinions for the sake of dialogue. I'm saying INNER SPACE awaits those who are sufficiently impressed w/the peculiar callowness of all and everything.

The assumptions of various rituals, chanting, formal meditation techniques, are that one is a seeker of truth, worth, tranquility, divinity, whatever. Why make that assumption? Not really knowing what anything is about at all is rather amusing! A wonder, an amazement.

You are of the exquisite nature of Existence Itself, an a priori treasure.

Your spoken word recording is warm, charming, and poignant as well. ;-)

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

This is very nicely done! The careful steps through the painful path we must wander to find ourself. The sense of bewilderment and loss were captured perfectly. Looking around us for help, guidance and worth only to stumble back down. A lonely path you wrote very nicely indeed.

Posted 6 Years Ago


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OT
this is stunning Jennie! so glad Shawn pointed me towards one of your older works - you know I'm a huge fan as it is - but this is just wow! I love the asides - the parenthesis - the thoughts - the flow - ahh it's all just brilliant - "what is the value of worth" - the worth of a person - arbitrary and ignored? reflections in eyes - oh you got it all here! and the recording was lovely to listen to too! nice!! a fav!

Posted 6 Years Ago


what is anything worth?
I don't know
that's why I like it
because
I don't know

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

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.
This is so deep and such powerful emotions. Tugged on my heart strings as well. Sorry about the hurt and pain.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This piece shimmers with depth and soul. I'm not a fan of labels, however, questioning our own worth is vital to our own psychology.

I'd like to share this poem on my blog, if that is alright with you. I would quote you of course, and perhaps you could email me the audio recording as well?

Let me know if you are interested ;)

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Did you ever hear of the book The Power of Now?

Such honesty about our search for the self that has always been there, but was submerged.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

a beautiful bit of honesty draped in poetic prowess. made me think. made me feel. made me laugh an angry little cynic-snicker at the recognition of myself in certain tiles of this human reflection.

the search for worth and value of self and others and things that hang about (tangible and intangible) is a real evil b*****d of an expedition. my own conclusion is a sticky one: my worth is not measured by opinions of others, but by the experiences that have blown threw me like wind and the smell of flowers and the tangy sting of a hot ash that falls on my bare skin. those things are the treasures that become sedimentary parts of my 'self.' they are me. I am worth a million experiences whose values outweigh any amount of gold, acceptance and/or fried chicken. ;)

great poem. I loved the experience of reading and processing it. you are a wonderful poet I think. if you could see the reflection of this poem in my eyes then you would see its vast worth (a far as my eyes could tell anyway).

cheers!

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Beautiful. I'm just enough of a wise-guy to think I have some answers to this classic inquiry, but I'm mindful of the pitfalls of hubris. ;-)

The strange pricelessness of an intuitive Clearing that outshines all the inevitable reasons for worrisomeness indeed defies outside valuation.

As one who has suffered dings and dents and slings and arrows like everyone else, I can say that an increased sense of existential valuation did not come from the world of congratulations. I've had such highlight moments, but it has nothing to do w/an enduring sense of worth. Neither is talking yourself into some degree of self-respect regardless of the vagaries of mirrored love, either.

Seems to me it's a greater familiarity w/being the teabag dipped in infinite hot water. All the gurus who have anything to say or emanate at all are teabags steeped in infinite hot water, and they managed to begin to identify w/the water more than the bag. Even some such Nondualists manage to be scoundrels, so f**k the entire convention of "otherness."

Taking to heart an intuition that the habitual one seeking validation is beside the point, that in fact we are only superficially who we think we are, a bemused zone of observant inquiry emerges, a propensity not only to steadily and lightly question the integrity of the judgment from without, but even more so questioning the judgment from within, and testing the timeless assertion that what one seeks is always already the case and paradoxically looking through one's own eyes.

One starts spontaneously integrating this, when one is simply tired of an overriding sense of bullshit re the aforementioned judgments from without, and the worrisome judgments from within.

One still has one's ups and downs, but one is more steadily aware of observing without concern. Observing the observer deepens and clears mysteriously.

There are too many styles of grappling w/the aspects of separate self worry vis-a-vis an emerging profound seamless acceptance for me to note here. I simply know that if one grapples authentically w/the core issue of who or what are you really, that what REMAINS starts finding YOU. After all, Buddha-nature emerged in the historical Gautama because he had truly exhausted every other possibility. The Awakening was that of inherent Being that simply waits for the provisional self to get tired of itself.

So it seems this Enlightenment mode is not something one attains. It attains YOU. One can increase the odds via one's bemused psychological tilt. I'm just happy to have a view of the expressive implications.

We underestimate the power of not believing in anything -- including the spectrum of optimism/pessimism/nihilism. Why do we have to believe anything about ourselves or anyone else? I'm not saying we don't deploy relative opinions for the sake of dialogue. I'm saying INNER SPACE awaits those who are sufficiently impressed w/the peculiar callowness of all and everything.

The assumptions of various rituals, chanting, formal meditation techniques, are that one is a seeker of truth, worth, tranquility, divinity, whatever. Why make that assumption? Not really knowing what anything is about at all is rather amusing! A wonder, an amazement.

You are of the exquisite nature of Existence Itself, an a priori treasure.

Your spoken word recording is warm, charming, and poignant as well. ;-)

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

*Standing Ovation*
Bravo!
Encore!
*throwing roses at the stage*
Loved it. Your voice causes these words to meld with my heart.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

a Voice !

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on October 14, 2010
Last Updated on October 17, 2010

Author

jenniewren (J.W. Bouwman)
jenniewren (J.W. Bouwman)

Vancouver, BC, Canada



About
Playful and eager to explore new styles of writing, and to hone my skills. i'm reaching a point now where i can write a poem and be able to say that it is something i really like. I'm an avid reader, .. more..

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