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Magic Moment

Magic Moment

A Poem by jimmy45
"

A poem about the fall season.

"

The wind began to blow 
And shook the trees
Heads turned up in unison
Witnessing a season of change

The leaves were freed from their branches
Floating and swinging through the air
Painting the sky with golden colors
Dancing their way to the ground

The wind blew again
And the trees shook
Whispers in the wind:
"It's good luck to catch a leaf!"

Searching and turning
Arms opening wide
Hands held high
Watching the leaves dance in the sky

They swirled, turned and swept me
Off my feet
Dodging and scooping
The magic in the moment



© 2015 jimmy45



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Reviews

Jimmy, I've been away for a while so I've only today seen your request. I've looked at 3. The other two were very strong on rhyme and meter, and let's say I've seen a lot worse but ... However, this one I really like. The problem with rhyme is that unless it's absolutely on point it can look contrived. There's a reason songwriters and poets roll their eyes and say 'moon and June'! Your rhymes weren't bad at all, and I liked the way in the Two Sides of Me poem that you broke away from the rhyming structure because not made me sit up. So, I'd say they were OK but always work hard to find the best possible pairings that avoid any feel of contrived.

Now as for this one, well it's beautiful. It's interesting that you call it magic moment because I wonder if it might be more from the heart than the others. When one is lucky enough to have a pen or voice recorder when the muse strikes then the results go much deeper. So I like this because it feels like there is sincerity in the writing. And there are some lovely phrases and mini pictures. It's good luck to catch a ball.

If I have any even better if suggestions, and this is tiny, it would be the final line. There are times when I like the title to come together in the final verse or line because it sort of explains, encapsulates, etc. But in this case the preceding lines make the magic so clear (it sounds wonderful) and so I'm less sure. There's a song / spoken musical poem by Van Morrison 'Coney Island' which is on YT ... his last line is a different way of summing up. Have a listen and see what you think.

Cheers
Nigel

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


I like this a lot. The only comment I have, is that you have next to no punctuation. Do you have anywhere that you want people to pause? Any particularly important statement you want to highlight by making it's own sentence?
Just some fine-tuning thoughts. Well done!

Posted 2 Years Ago


jimmy45

2 Years Ago

Thank you so much
It's beautiful. I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 2 Years Ago


I really enjoyed how you went to capture a feeling more than following the traditional school-recital version of a poem. I especially liked the word pictures that you used, it really made everything seem more alive.
Good Job!

Posted 2 Years Ago



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Added on September 25, 2015
Last Updated on September 25, 2015

Author

jimmy45
jimmy45

Temecula, CA



About
very new to writing and I would love to get to know other writers more..

Writing
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A Poem by jimmy45