SUMMER REMEMBRALLS

The feel of this one summer day’s heat

Is nothing like the warmth that we shared

One summer night atop the thick sheets.

 

My dry lips caused by the dry weather

Long for the moisture you once gave them

And the touch from yours that are tender.

 

The fragrance of the flowers in dearth

Reminds me of the scent, so zestful,

Of your body, your breath and your shirt.

 

The blow of the warm breeze from the trees

That kisses my so perspiring skin

S’like feeling the air that out you breathe.

 

Sudden taps from my peers so tactless

Are shocking but incomparable

To your electrifying caress.

 

This summer’s hotness is sweltering

But why, when our flame’s added to it,

The season becomes hotly pleasing?

 

Now tell me, will I get the better

Of the days left for this time of year?

Shall we again be by each other? 

Reviews

[Belle]

So, this is it. I saw you counting your fingers while we, your classmates, were having discussion in the class; I never had an idea that you were writing a poem. You are totally amazing, first you were able to come up with a shape poetry after an exhaustive day, and now this one, an another highly rhetoric piece written amidst busy ambiance.

I had two different interpretations after reading the poem, but I want to dwell more on the first that came up in my mind : for me it seems that the poetic persona in the poem were telling that when (s)he is with the one (s)he loves --sharing their passion, the causing discomfort brought by the heat of the summer turned out to be conducive for intimacy.

As for the form, I liked your choices of word. It is just that this is a bit new to me since I am used of you of infusing informal languages in your poem; in here you used plain formal words which created me an impression that the poetic persona is in a serious tone. What impressed me more is the 9-syllable-per-line metric pattern that you have followed. You were so consistent plus the complicated rhyming scheme which is aba-cdc-efe-ghg-iji-klk-mnm.

I am looking forward to read more form you. You are getting better and better in term of form. :)

[Sir Joe]

Now that's another CONSTRUCTIVE review from my big sister. Having received such, I thank you so much!
I need not to contradict what the poem imprinted in your mind.
The title, I guess, speaks much of what the poem is all about. Well, this is just as far as my point of view is concerned. The poetic persona may just be longing for the person he/she loves especially that the elements of summer remind him/her of his/her beloved. Those elements, as presented in the poem, include the feel of the heat, dry lips caused by the dry weather, fragrance from flowers, warm breeze and taps from friends who ask you out to play. Each of these elements serves as a reminder of a particular thing about the beloved or the things they used to do or the things that they once did.

I'm nothing but a flattered person right now.
=)

[ENJOY A CUP OF COFFEE]

Such a beautiful poem! Great work, Have a great night.

[Sir Joe]

Thank you so much, Vida. =)

[ENJOY A CUP OF COFFEE]

You are welcome. -Cheyanne (:

[lee von cleef]

Once at a drive in, a double date, my peers tap was not, cold hands on my a*s, now that was a surprise.

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Sir Joe

Thank you for your request to review this poem which I am pleased to undertake.

You have seen my style of reviewing before so I need not repeat myself.

So straight to my review.

Your title: Now there is an intriguing title in metaphor. The word does not exist in the English Lexicon, but its derivation is from JK Rowling's 'Harry Potter' books.

Here is a definition straight off the internet:

'A Remembrall is a tennis ball-sized clear, glass ball that contains smoke that turns red when its owner has forgotten something. It turns clear once whatever was forgotten is remembered'

So one assumes the piece that follows may be about things forgotten or remembered.

It is an allusion that certainly draws me as a reader in.

Then we have your quote to guide us:

'This summer’s hotness is sweltering but why, when our flame’s added to it, the season becomes hotly pleasing'

So I figure it is about love.

Structure: Seven three line stanzas where the rhyme throughout is aba. That is the first and third lines rhyme. As for rhythm, the equal length of the lines gives it a mellowness that is soft on the ear.

So Bravo so far.

Favourite lines and allusions:

' The fragrance of the flowers in dearth
Reminds me of the scent, so zestful,
Of your body, your breath and your shirt'

and

'The blow of the warm breeze from the trees
That kisses my so perspiring skin
S’like feeling the air that out you breathe.'

I particularly like the S'like.

In both these stanzas you bring the colour and sensation in nature into the piece which only serves to add to its sensuousness.

Meaning and so to favourite part.

I will keep this brief. Remembrall straight away gives a notion of love found but lost.

One need only look at the last stanza which seems to me to give away the plot:

'Now tell me, will I get the better
Of the days left for this time of year?
Shall we again be by each other?'

She's gone and you are recalling fond memories lost.

I admire your stanza in the middle where you compare the banality of others and perhaps they treat you in the land of lost love.

It is well expressed.

'Sudden taps from my peers so tactless
Are shocking but incomparable
To your electrifying caress.

So in overview a subtle, accomplished, well structured piece of verse, which I found I could not add to with adverse critique.

I hope you find this helpful.

Your friend



James

[Belle]

Excellent review Mr. James. :)

[Sir Joe]

Getting a constructive review (the very meaning of it) is the reason why I always want you to review my works. How can I ever thank you enough, Sir James?

You were right when you said I derived the second word of the title from Rowling's Harry Potter book sequel.

You gave an in-depth interpretation of the content and a keen survey of the structure. Perhaps you might have not seen that all throughout the poem, I used 9 syllables per line.

Do you think I should still change the spelling of "remembral" in my title to "remembrall"?

Sir James, I owe you much. Allow me to say thank you a thousand times. =)


- joe

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Sir Joe

Thank you for those kind words.

I have just noticed the 9 syllables per line, now that you have pointed it out to me.

How clever. That is why I suppose I liked its rhythm.

I think I wrote this rather late, when it was time to count sheep rather than syllables (with a smile).

You can also tell I was a bit tired when I wrote this as I didn't notice you had one L in Remembrall whereas JK Rowling had two, as in Remembralls.

I think on that point as JK Rowling coined the term, adding the extra L at the end keeps it within the meaning she had which has a flavour that relates to the substance of the poem. Otherwise you would be inventing your own version of the word.

Mind you if she is allowed to invent new words, why can't we all?!

I think I would go for her spelling.

I am sorry I missed those two bits in my review.

Note to self: James, don't try and undertake reviews in bed at midnight with only a bedside lamp to see by!

In any case thank you for those words. I can see you are becoming quite some poet.

My thanks to Belle for her kind words too.

With my best wishes to you both

James

[Sir Joe]

Sir James, if you're saying that the review you gave isn't good enough because you were tired when you made it, how good will a review from you be if you are in your best state?

Having read those words from you, I'll go with JK's spelling. =)
Thank you so much, Sir James.

P.S. Don't be sorry. I should be the one sorry for having troubled you with a review request. More power to you, Sir James. =)

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Sir Jo

I enjoyed the read and review, even if I was a bit sleepy at the time.
read moreDear Sir Jo

I enjoyed the read and review, even if I was a bit sleepy at the time.

You can tell I was engaged by it as I wanted to review it however late the hour.

If I wasn't I would have switched the lamp off!

The pleasure was indeed all mine.

Best wishes as ever

Your friend

James

[Sir Joe]

Thank you so much, Sir James. =)
You always put a smile on my face. =)
=

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

Nice one again, Sir Joe. The season really becomes hotly pleasing to everyone. :)

How about this line? "And the touch from yours that are tender." There's something confusing with it.

[Sir Joe]

"Yours" their refers to the lips.

My dry lips caused by the dry weather
Long for the moisture you once gave them
And the touch from yours that are tender.

Hehe some memories are really strong that even the simplest, the most common and the most natural occurrences trigger the mind of a person to remember them (memories).
Thank you for reading this poem of mine.

This summer’s hotness is sweltering
But why, when our flame’s added to it,
The season becomes hotly pleasing?

In this stanza, perhaps you got what I mean by it. Sometimes, the heat of the summer tends to be uncomfortable. But why is it that when the heat of those two persons in the poem are added to the heat of the summer, the season becomes hotly pleasing, not uncomfortable anymore.

=)

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

Ah, I thought that something tender is that touch. Okay. It's clear now. :)

You have beautiful poems, why not enhance them by adding music? Hehe. Just a suggestion from a fellow music-lover. :)

[Sir Joe]

hehehe what do you mean? turning them into songs? hehehe
Songs should be more literal than poems because they are listened to; unlike poems which can be read over and over again at the own pace of the reader.
That's actually a nice suggestion, Dhaye, but I think some of my works are better off that way. I'll just come up with new songs. =)

[Sir Joe]

Dhaye, thank you. =)

[Sir Joe]

I gotta go. Duty calls again. =)

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

What I mean is adding music video so that while we are reading your poem, there is music which adds emotion to it. Music is like a spirit, it can bring the mood you want for the poem and the reader, just like what the images do.

Okay, bye. Good day, my friend. :)

[Belle]

I am sorry I can't contained myself from not saying this reaction that I have after reading your conversation. No offense to Dhaye though I know is a very open minded person. You see, adding music to this poem can definitely destroy the meaning of the piece. It has already a cadence of its own because of its consistent rhythmic pattern and rhyming scheme that if you will read it in silence or aloud it has already its own music to be heard in the reader's mind ear.

[Sir Joe]

It might be an option to attach therewith a background music, but I must agree with Ms. Belle that once a poem possesses musicality, there's no need to let it be accompanied by some music. Besides, a poem is supposed to be of rhyme and of musicality.

Peace be with us.

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

Ah, yes Ms. Belle. I am an open-minded person and I learned from the information you had given. Anyway, when I give a suggestion, I never expect that the writer will consider it because I believe that the author is still the master of his works and he knows what's best for it.
Thanks for mentioning the reader's mind ear. I am reminded. Perhaps I haven't used it in reading poems. Hehe.

No offense at all. Both of you are great poets I really admire because I can see it that you have that skill in understanding the depths of each others' poetry.

Peace be with us. :)