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H'okay, Jon. Lemme givit to ya. I's a whiss at gramer. Be aware that I've been known to make mistakes, more off than I like. Also, a lot of my commenting is only my opinion. I don't know squat about predicates and principles, or the difference between a preposition and a proposition. But I'se gonna give it whats I done got.
Charlie -- hvysmker.
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Rooftop gravel makes a peculiar sound underfoot. I have no idea why I use up one or two very precious seconds thinking this. I am counting to ten before I jump. My estimate is that it should take me roughly eight and one-half seconds to hit the ground. I read somewhere that it takes about that same amount of time for a man to fall in love. Seems fitting.
*** Very good "hook." It makes me want to hear more, as well as I see no errors, doubly important in the first few paragraphs.

Even sadder I leave no one behind.
*** I'd put a comma after "sadder"?

Life had ground me to a similar consistency of the gravel clinging to my shoe.
*** Uh, oh. Problem! Change in tense, Present to past with "had"

I feel that the absence of occurrence was more crushing than any anvil life could have dropped on me.
*** Is or has been, rather than the past tense, was.

We are creatures of pursuit.
*** Pursuit of what? Happiness, success, acclaim? To pass our genes on to our progeny?

But for me there was only a consistent gray patch of road.
*** is or has been?

Maybe I should start over.
*** Question

I can smell cabbage cooking from one of the apartments below.
*** Good. An example of the statement above it.

I could go over to the other side……..
*** I don't know if you're American or not, but assume you are by your grammar. Anyway, In American English, an ellipse consists of:
xx ... xx. At the end of a sentence: xx.... The last itty bitty dot being a period. OR you can use another end of sentence symble: xx...! or xx...? Your "....... . . is Slobovian code for Bullcrap.

This side is better.
*** Side of what? The roof?

Ok...I should start my count to ten over again.
*** Okay ... I should ? I read somewhere in a grammar book that Okay should always be spelled out. Maybe you should check that out, Ok. He,he.

I think I am ready. One, two, three, four...............
*** I don't even dare to tell you what those dots mean in Slobovian code. Why not a simple ellipse?

I even giggle a little at the uncommon display of humor I have made.
*** I'd trim this sentence. The reason being that right then, he'd be moving rapidly, thinking in quicktime, short, snappy, sentences, and quick sensations. Maybe try: "A giggle escapes. A last moment sense of humor, seeming ludicrous, as I plummet." Or at least shorten it to something like, "I giggle at the display of humor." ?

I am closing in fast now. I know that this is the one time in my life that I am in control. Or actually I guess I was until I jumped.

Know it's pretty much up to gravity and whether or not BMW's have a roof crumple-zone.
*** Now it's ......

If so I could possibly survive. I could actually screw this up and wind up in a hospital eating from a tube for the rest of my life.
*** Cans, not coulds in the above. Could is past tense and he's falling in real time.

There is a whomp-sound when I make contact with the car.
*** I'd use: I hear a "Whomp" when I strike the car. What about feel at that moment? Something like: The stop is a bitch, like being hit on the head with a two-by-four. ?

The horn begins to wail. Searing pain shoots through me. The last few seconds of my life are filled with a blaring horn and a bright light that washes out most of my vision. I have ripped through the convertible roof of the car and hit ass-first on the front seat. The angle that I hit transferred my downward motion into an arc. The arc ended with the steering wheel crushing my chest. My entire life I have been rudderless and now I am ended by a steering wheel. Seems fitting.
*** That last paragraph doesn't do anything for me. It sounds more like an impartial police report. Let me think a moment.... Hmmmmmm.... Wanna keep it in present tense....

How's about an out of body experience? Who knows, it might be true? Let me paraphrase a little, strictly as an example"

There is a whomp-sound when I make contact with the car. At contact, after a moment of pain, as though I've been hit in the head and back by a two-by-four, a sudden peace comes over me.

What the fuck! I'm lighter than a feather, floating above a mangled body, a broken "Me."
Then, you go on to describe the scene, ending with something like: As I think these thoughts, I feel, feel ... well, finally, at peace. I notice the remains of the BMW fading away as I drift higher. It fades to nothing as I ascend into a veil of clouds. Consciousness drifting in a cosmic tide, I have time to wonder. To won....

See what I mean. Also, would your character feel more emotion, such as fear of the unknown, or anger at life or an individual. Would it be better to work something in throughout the story to pump-up the emotion? Such as a lost love or situation that sent him over that proverbial edge?

I think an occasional reference to something of that sort in the story would greatly improve it. Right now, it's pretty dry. I can imagine the character sitting at a folding table outside the gate of heaven, filling out forms and writing an essay as to how he got there.

Charlie -- hvysmker

Posted 5 Months Ago