Dear Drunk Woman

Dear Drunk Woman

Dear drunk woman,

The one sitting at the bar.

The woman who was

"Waiting for friends".

Dear drunk woman,

The one who asked for a Shiner.

The woman with the

Tired face and glazed over eyes.

Dear drunk woman,

The one I served during my shift.

The woman who wanted to

"Party with us" because she was lonely.

Dear drunk woman,

The one who stepped outside for a smoke.

The woman who left

For 30 minutes and sat in her car.

Dear drunk woman,

The one who came back inside with her sunglasses on.

Stumbling

Stumbling

Stumbling

Dear drunk woman,

the one who sat back at her bar stool.

The woman who asked for

Another beer, when you shouldn't have.

Dear drunk woman,

The one who was already drunk before she entered the restaurant.

The woman that clearly

Didn't need another beer.

Dear drunk woman,

The one who became infuriated when I cut you off of our alcohol.

The woman who refused

To let me settle her check out.

Dear drunk woman,

The one who was threatened to have police called.

The woman who didn't care,

And dared management to call the officers.

Dear drunk woman,

The one who finally paid her check and left.

The woman who smashed

Her vehicle against another in the parking lot.

Dear drunk woman,

The one who fled in her car at over 100 miles per hour.

The woman who was

Chased by officers into another city.

Dear drunk woman,

The one who was finally caught.

The woman who was

Thrown into jail that night.

Dear drunk woman,

What's your story?

Author's Note

This is an actual event that happened the other night where I worked, and this, indeed, was a real customer I was serving that night. I felt that a poem was interesting to make of the entire ordeal.

Reviews

[emipoemi]

I have no idea how it has taken me this long to peruse this poem, but it's good! The length of it makes the repetition wear out its welcome by the third iteration, and it the powerful mystery of "what's your story" is therefore ruined. You could go in one of two directions with this:

1: keep it short and simple, then make the senses explode in a cathartic wave of emotion with the "what's your story".

2: keep the length, keep the killer of the final line, but delve into the mystery more without constant repetition. The repetition can come in handy, but not in the monotonous style of this current version. You kind of lose readers with the length of it. And for what it's worth, it sounds like you're just narrating what happened in a seemingly poetic way, but the poetry is not really powerful enough to make people care as much as you would want them to; we won't feel the catharsis of that last line as profoundly unless you really give this character life. I'm envisioning up to four epistles that not only tell a story, but are far more than personal musings. Make us feel like you're interrogating this woman in her jail cell à la Clarice Starling. Poetry is not only a writer pouring out their words and emotions onto a page. It's the collaboration between writer and reader in which the reader does 1/3 of the writer's work. The writer just has to open the doors and let the reader experience and then solve the riddle at the centre of the labyrinth (one could argue something similar for writing in general, but nowhere is it more prominent than in Poetry).

I absolutely adore the premise overall, and you've made a brilliant skeleton out of this. Now give it some flesh, and let us really feel the flow of the story (but beware to not spell too much out. There are brilliantly worded lines here that allow for mystery and interpretation. Showing the story doesn't mean spelling everything out, it just means fixing the flow so that it's not so monotonous).

Great start!