Chapter 4

Chapter 4

A Chapter by Jemma Packman

            Charlie walked down the street with her hands firmly stuffed in her jacket pockets, keeping her head down. A few people pushed past her, throwing a small apology over their shoulders as they rushed to their destination. Charlie offered a small smile, knowing that they were most likely heading to the only club in that part of town, and the only club that was open to all ages, Orelin. The colored lights that illuminated the front of the building were getting brighter, letting Charlie know she was getting closer. She took notice of the line of people waiting to be allowed entry, and shook her head in amusement. The line was almost a block length long. It always made her smile that people would stand in line for an undetermined amount of time to listen to music and drink, and pay for the privilege to do so. It’s not something she would personally do, but she wasn’t one to judge. Besides, if it wasn’t for those people, her job wouldn’t exist. She walked along the side of the barriers that separated the waiting club patrons and everyone else that used that stretch of the sidewalk, to the corner of the building, nodding in a silent greeting to the two burly men stood at the doors. They were the gatekeepers and it was best to stay on their good side. Charlie received the same greeting before turning the corner and continued her journey down the alley, stopping at a small set of railed steps leading to a dark blue door that would be almost invisible if not for a single, dim bulb above it. Charlie skipped up the steps, opened the door and entered the building, allowing the heavy door to shut behind her with a thud. The noise startled the only other occupant of the small room. Her head snapped up to find the source of the noise that distracted her from the pile of books spread out across the table in front of her. “Sorry, Robbie,” Charlie said sheepishly.

            Robbie rolled her eyes playfully and looked back at her books. “Hey, Charlie, do you think you could take a look at these when you’ve got time?”

            “Sure,” Charlie answered as she shrugged off her jacket and threw it over the arm of the small, black couch at the far side of the room.

            After a few moments of silence, Robbie put down her pen and turned herself to look for Charlie, only to see her laid on the couch, covering her eyes with her arm. Robbie cleared her throat before calling out. “Charlie?” Charlie hummed in response. “Who am I?”

            Charlie removed her arm from her eyes and turned her head towards Robbie, furrowing her brows in confusion. “Roberta Rosa Graham.”

            Robbie’s expression was blank but her grey eyes shone with mischief. “And who am I to you?”

            “My employer,” Charlie answered slowly, not sure where this line of questioning was headed.

            “What else?”

            Charlie sat up and rubbed her face with her hand. “Have you hit your head again?” she laughed dryly.

            “Tell me,” Robbie demanded, folding her arms across her chest.

            Charlie stood up and walked towards Robbie. “One of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen.”

            As soon as Charlie was close enough, Robbie pulled her down, making Charlie sit in her lap. “And?” she whispered huskily in Charlie’s ear while pulling the beanie of her head.

            Charlie wrapped her arms around Robbie’s shoulders and, realizing the game she was playing, leant back and frowned. “Are you on some sort of ego trip?” she asked mockingly.

            Robbie raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow, unimpressed by the question. “Well?” she pushed.

            “My girlfriend,” Charlie stated proudly with a smile.

            Robbie pouted. “Then why am I still waiting for a kiss?” Charlie leaned her head down and captured Robbie’s lips with her own in a short, yet passionate kiss before resting her forehead against Robbie’s. Robbie ran her fingers through Charlie’s dirty blond hair and her eyes flitted across her girlfriend’s tired features. “You didn’t sleep today, did you?” Charlie moved Robbie’s hand from around her waist and stood up. Without another word, Charlie walked to the white door to the left of the couch. Robbie followed her and grabbed her wrist to stop her. “Where are you going?” she asked, confused by Charlie’s sudden change in mood.

            Charlie sighed. “I’ve got work to do.”

            Robbie turned Charlie to face her, but Charlie wouldn’t hold her gaze. “Don’t you want to talk about it?”

            Charlie shook her head. “No.”

            Charlie opened the door, letting the loud music from Orelin’s sound system into the once quiet room. She walked behind a small section of the large bar, greeting the staff and customers warmly as she went, making herself smile. This was her job, she reminded herself, and she would not allow anyone to be brought down, especially by her. Happy staff equaled happy customers. Carlie made her way on to the main floor of the already packed club, heading towards her main destination. The stage. She had a job to do, but she never ignored anyone that spoke to her. Robbie watched Charlie from the doorway that Charlie had left her through. A small smile tugging at her lips as Charlie took her position on the stage above the ever-growing crowd. Her smile grew as Charlie did what she did best, pumped up the audience in anticipation for what was coming next. Charlie looked towards Robbie, as if she could feel her watching, held her gaze for a moment and winked before giving her full attention back to the cheering mass of people in front of her. Robbie continued to watch her for a while longer. “She’s a natural,” she muttered to herself before, once again, shutting herself in the small back room with her books.




© 2017 Jemma Packman



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Featured Review

I don't have much to add to Krysten's comments. Perhaps some genuine affection is missing in the dialogue? Perhaps the newness of the relationship is the reason? In that case, you might add some background to illustrate the tension/uncertainty? Maybe some detail? It helps to read through dialogue aloud, if you haven't done so, to imagine details, to see what is missing and what doesn't sound natural. That said, the story is yours, after all, and I think you're on a good track. I do want to continue it. A couple of edits are needed; there is a place where you have Carlie instead of Charlie, and a sentence fragment stood out to me ("A small smile tugging at her lips as Charlie took her position on the stage above the ever-growing crowd.") By the way, that last paragraph is probably the best of the chapter to me.

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jemma Packman

1 Month Ago

Thank you, Jennie. There are definitely more tweaks needed. Glad you liked at least part of it.



Reviews

I don't have much to add to Krysten's comments. Perhaps some genuine affection is missing in the dialogue? Perhaps the newness of the relationship is the reason? In that case, you might add some background to illustrate the tension/uncertainty? Maybe some detail? It helps to read through dialogue aloud, if you haven't done so, to imagine details, to see what is missing and what doesn't sound natural. That said, the story is yours, after all, and I think you're on a good track. I do want to continue it. A couple of edits are needed; there is a place where you have Carlie instead of Charlie, and a sentence fragment stood out to me ("A small smile tugging at her lips as Charlie took her position on the stage above the ever-growing crowd.") By the way, that last paragraph is probably the best of the chapter to me.

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jemma Packman

1 Month Ago

Thank you, Jennie. There are definitely more tweaks needed. Glad you liked at least part of it.
I am guessing this is one of the unedited chapters? You probably are already working on this, but we need some of that description you had in the previous scenes! Give us some context - where we are, what does Robbie look like, gestures and facial expressions, tones of voice, etc. Also switch verbs to past tense.

Personally, I would start the chapter off with Charlie (rather than Robbie) since she's the POV character. Just reverse it so it's something like - "When Charlie arrived, Robbie was..."

I might also work some of the mundane details into the description you're working on. Quizzing another character on who they are to them (Who am I? What's my name? What am I to you?) isn't the best way to introduce someone. I get the idea that maybe Robbie's fishing for a compliment, or that maybe it's a new relationship and she wants reassurance from Charlie, but the dialogue as it is now is pretty uninteresting.

I like how you are still dropping in little clues about the characters and their background. Now I am even more curious about Charlie's job... something at a club, and she's well liked... but what is she a natural at? Do the others know about her relationship with the boss? Have to keep reading to find out...

Posted 8 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jemma Packman

8 Months Ago

Yes, all chapters after this are unedited. I do have this edited on paper but haven't had the chance.. read more
I was reading the reviews earlier, and I notice now how this started off as a screenplay. I assume you're editing it at the moment, and I'm very excited for when you do. It's... kinda hard for me to read books like this >.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on January 31, 2015
Last Updated on December 10, 2017

Charlie's Girls


Author

Jemma Packman
Jemma Packman

Hull, East Yorkshire, United Kingdom



Writing
Prologue Prologue

A Chapter by Jemma Packman


Chapter 1 Chapter 1

A Chapter by Jemma Packman





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