Chapter 4

Chapter 4

A Chapter by Jemma Packman

Robbie sat at a table in the middle of the back room looking through some books. Charlie enters through the back door. Robbie says "Hey, Charlie. I may need you to go through these books soon. Is that ok?"

Charlie says "Fine."

Robbie says "Charlie?"

Charlie says "Yes?"

Robbie says "Who am I?"

Charlie looks at Robbie, confused, and says "Roberta Rosa Graham."

Robbie says "And who am I to you?"

Charlie says "My employer."

Robbie says "What else?"

Charlie says "Have you hit your head again?"

Robbie says "Tell me?"

Charlie says "One of the most beautiful women I've ever seen."

Robbie says "And?"

Charlie says "Are you on some sort of ego trip?"

Robbie says "Well?"

Charlie says "My girlfriend."

Robbie says "Then why am I still waiting for a kiss?" Charlie leans over and kisses Robbie on the lips. Robbie runs her fingers through Charlie's hair. "You didn't sleep today, did you?" Charlie stands up and moves towards the other door. "Where are you going?

Charlie says "I've got work to do."

Robbie says "Don't you want to talk about it?"

Charlie says "No." Charlie walks through the door and into the club. As she does, she is greeted walmly by other employees and club goers.

Robbie watches from the doorway and says "She's a natural."


© 2015 Jemma Packman



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I am guessing this is one of the unedited chapters? You probably are already working on this, but we need some of that description you had in the previous scenes! Give us some context - where we are, what does Robbie look like, gestures and facial expressions, tones of voice, etc. Also switch verbs to past tense.

Personally, I would start the chapter off with Charlie (rather than Robbie) since she's the POV character. Just reverse it so it's something like - "When Charlie arrived, Robbie was..."

I might also work some of the mundane details into the description you're working on. Quizzing another character on who they are to them (Who am I? What's my name? What am I to you?) isn't the best way to introduce someone. I get the idea that maybe Robbie's fishing for a compliment, or that maybe it's a new relationship and she wants reassurance from Charlie, but the dialogue as it is now is pretty uninteresting.

I like how you are still dropping in little clues about the characters and their background. Now I am even more curious about Charlie's job... something at a club, and she's well liked... but what is she a natural at? Do the others know about her relationship with the boss? Have to keep reading to find out...

Posted 5 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jemma Packman

5 Months Ago

Yes, all chapters after this are unedited. I do have this edited on paper but haven't had the chance.. read more



Reviews

I am guessing this is one of the unedited chapters? You probably are already working on this, but we need some of that description you had in the previous scenes! Give us some context - where we are, what does Robbie look like, gestures and facial expressions, tones of voice, etc. Also switch verbs to past tense.

Personally, I would start the chapter off with Charlie (rather than Robbie) since she's the POV character. Just reverse it so it's something like - "When Charlie arrived, Robbie was..."

I might also work some of the mundane details into the description you're working on. Quizzing another character on who they are to them (Who am I? What's my name? What am I to you?) isn't the best way to introduce someone. I get the idea that maybe Robbie's fishing for a compliment, or that maybe it's a new relationship and she wants reassurance from Charlie, but the dialogue as it is now is pretty uninteresting.

I like how you are still dropping in little clues about the characters and their background. Now I am even more curious about Charlie's job... something at a club, and she's well liked... but what is she a natural at? Do the others know about her relationship with the boss? Have to keep reading to find out...

Posted 5 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jemma Packman

5 Months Ago

Yes, all chapters after this are unedited. I do have this edited on paper but haven't had the chance.. read more
I was reading the reviews earlier, and I notice now how this started off as a screenplay. I assume you're editing it at the moment, and I'm very excited for when you do. It's... kinda hard for me to read books like this >.

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on January 31, 2015
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Charlie's Girls


Author

Jemma Packman
Jemma Packman

Hull, East Yorkshire, United Kingdom



Writing
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A Chapter by Jemma Packman


Chapter 1 Chapter 1

A Chapter by Jemma Packman