A thump in my wheel and I just have been busily doing everything I should not. It’s a sultry hot day and gaining on my last nerve. Turning the wheel quickly, cutting off the car in front of me I heard an insulting honk of the horn. I honestly don’t care.

 

Pulling into the almost vacant parking lot I park close by the store doors. I entered the dollar store and the woman behind the counter smiles and leaves to stock shelves. I walked straight back to the health and beauty aids because that’s what I needed the most. “Thank God they have it in stock”, I thought, they have always had it here. I’ve always bought it here. “Pond’s Cold Cream”. I opened every jar. All 24.

 

I stood in the isle and smelled the scent. That lump came back, the same one I woke with yesterday morning. She was here. She was all around me and I felt okay. The woman from the store came around the corner with a puzzled look, “Can I help you dear?” “No, I’ve found what I needed. Thank you.” I picked up a jar and put the lid on. I went to the check out counter and then traveled home. I hadn’t realized it had been nearly 30 minutes standing in that same place looking at the jars of “Pond’s Cold Cream”.

 

I walked in my place and I turned the fan on. I sat the “Pond’s Cold Cream” in front of it. My mind flashed back as it often does these days, to yesterday when I woke. I woke myself crying, and out of my mouth muttered the words, “I miss my Mom. Oh my God, I miss my Dad.”

 

In the store I really didn’t see the jars, I saw myself in a tiny town with my Mom and Dad doing errands. I can’t really remember what they were doing. But I know it was a trip to the 5 and dime store. I loved that store. Mom would always let me buy something small. Some arts and crafts things, even back then I see now she knew being creative was important. Then it was a frantic dash to the Rexall Drug Store across the street, to get my favorite teen magazine before my Dad would find out. Mom would hide it in her purse until we got home. No one saw me again for days.

 

All the while I was praying to God and I swore I would be a Nun if I could just get a glimpse of that one boy. Because I was in love. Real love. Not the silly kind the other 11 year olds where claiming. This was real. And we had kissed. More than once, so it was a sure ringer that we were steady and everybody knew. This was my first love; the one I knew was eternal. The one that you would just die if you didn’t get a glimpse of and on occasion when I did, I hardly spoke.

 

 I laughed at myself out loud in the store.

 

Pond’s Cold Cream. The memories faded when the woman walked around the corner. I had to think of something else. But I hadn’t thought about those days since I was young. She knew. Mom knew how important it was for me to get and do those things because without them I would have just died. And without walking across the street to franticly look for that boy in town, for that glimpse without my father knowing, I would have surely died that day. She knew this.

 

It has been the DAWN BEFORE MOURNING.