So here I sit on this parkbench (part 2)

So here I sit on this parkbench (part 2)

A Story by junXion
"

And so the mobstory takes off. Let's see where this brings us guys. Sincerely yours, Jules.

"
Chapter 2: Smile                            03-11-1959
“Hey Danny!” , Franky yells at me, “how is that deal comin’ along?”
I sigh, I hate that guy, he’s always so damn cheerful and happy, so goddamn fake. I told boss multiple times I just can’t work with him, but boss doesn’t take orders. Like he said: “I don’t pave the way for people, people pave the way for me.” And so now, every f*****g score, every goddamn deal I’m stuck with this f****r. I turn around and see him walking towards me.
I manage to fake a smile: “Hey Franky, how’re you?, boss organised it all, eight o’clock -  3rd level parking lot at Jefferson union, bring you’re nicest friends, you know…those big ones.”
He smiles, like always, a freaky, friendly, assuring smile. I f*****g hate that goddamn smile.
“Alright, I’ll be there with the money and I’ll bring my friends Ms and Mr Thompson with me.”  
And so he leaves, finally, every goddamn second with that fella is one second wasted. The opposite goes for his wife though, what a fierce thing that is. Good thing he doesn’t know, haha. If he’d  know, that f*****g smile would disappear forever from that ugly face. Hmm, maybe I should tell him, quite the dilemma it is. But hey, a man has choices to make, guess I will enjoy the company of Ms. Diana a little longer.

© 2017 junXion



Author's Note

junXion
Constructive feedback is much appreciated. One who chooses to preach must never cease to learn. Sincerely yours, Jules.

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"He smiles, like always, a freaky, friendly, assuring smile. I f*****g hate that goddamn smile. "

My favorite line. Truly shows the emotion ranging from annoyance to deep hate.

Posted 6 Months Ago


OK, Jules. This is pretty good. On the technical side, consider paragraphs for each interchange between the two men. When your protagonist (Danny) is thinking use italics to denote that. It could be unclear to the reader that Danny can't work with Franky with this sentence... told boss multiple times I just can’t work with him, but boss doesn’t take orders...also capitalize 'boss' as it's a title. A good bit though, looking forward to reading more.

Posted 7 Months Ago


Hey man !
I thought you'd disappeared off the face of the Earth !
How was the new album received?
I always said you were talented.
This recalled Paul Simon's lyrical style (even though its a story - you just write lyrically I think).
Bravo!

Posted 7 Months Ago


junXion

7 Months Ago

Hey Tony, yeah I was having a bit of studystress hahaha. But I'm back! The new album is quite well r.. read more
I like the impression of Danny hating Franky from the off. You gave me the impression that Franky is one of those guys that is to be greatly feared to and that he has an aura of 'dont f**k with me or I'll f**k you up'
Mr and mrs Thompson - now they sound like an intresting couple and because of the story so far I am sure they will be. You end it on a the note of Diana (who was a bit of a mystery in the 1st chapter) But now you have revealed more about her - the plot begins to thicken. I think Danny is playing with fire - will he get burnt, who knows?
Or is Diana playing with Danny? Questions...questions.
But one thing is for sure - This piece has me hooked.

I do like the style in which you are writing this piece. Please do keep writing more.

Mark.

Posted 8 Months Ago


junXion

8 Months Ago

Thanks for reading Mark. The plot thickens indeed haha. Do you think this story needs some more raw .. read more
matrixmark

8 Months Ago

Keep it how it is for now. I dont think that the characters need a de-polish. The tone is already qu.. read more
junXion

8 Months Ago

Thanks for the advice Mark! I will look into it. Sincerely yours, Jules.

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Added on April 14, 2017
Last Updated on April 14, 2017

Author

junXion
junXion

Boxmeer, Brabant, Netherlands



About
First of all, welcome! I'm Julian and here on writerscafe I foremost publish lyrics that I write for my band junXion, aside from that I can't help writing some short stories and poetry from time to ti.. more..

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