And Going

And Going

A Poem by Katethepoet
"

I tried something a little bit different with this poem.

"

Southern spring’s nights give birth to the sweet scent of mercy

And the quiet whisper of the wind

That traces the outline of my spine like fingertips.

I woke up to the sound of my own breathing again

 Sometimes my insides feel like they are shimmying, still

 

Last night I rode the bus home

It was just me and the bus driver

It was the usual deafening silence

 And the light turned red

We came to a halt

But the car next to us just kept going

And going

The bus driver’s tongue shook to an unfamiliar tune

‘Some people live to cause their own death’

He says.

And I don’t know whether to call him a prophet

Or just say thanks

As the bus doors open.

 

It’s raining now and I forgot my umbrella

I no longer have anything left to shield me from the elements

I watch rain droplets form and summersault off my skin

Like the purest kind of joy that just can’t last forever

I keep jumping in puddles

So I don’t have to hear how loud my heart is beating

Salt water emanates from my eyes and mixes with the wetness

I can’t tell if I’m drenched or drowning


© 2015 Katethepoet



Author's Note

Katethepoet
Just tell me all the critiques you have.

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dan
Kate, your knack for storytelling is obvious, this piece had me wrapped up inside of it from the beginning. The conversational tone in which this is written suits the concept and wordplay very well. If this first review of your work is any indication of what is to come then I am in for a treat! I'm gladly accepting your friend request, nice to meet you. This piece is so good I'm placing it in with my library favorites, the first person whose first poem I've read to go in there. So you are joining a club...of one. take care...dan

Posted 2 Years Ago


Katethepoet

2 Years Ago

Thanks a lot Dan for your review and accepting my friend request . I'm really glad and appreciative .. read more
With poetry it really isn't about likes or dislikes - it's about what we hear behind our eyes Kate. Every word has a voice - and each adds to or detracts from OUR sense of the rhythm - of life ...ours and others. The one stumbling point for ME in your work was line three. Why? - after several reads it really felt that the word "That" belonged at the end of line two - for vocal clarity and continuity. It felt more of a distraction to me as I tried to make verbal sense of your voice echoing.

Posted 2 Years Ago


Katethepoet

2 Years Ago

This is a good point . That does sound a bit hollow in the placing I selected . Thank you for the fe.. read more
A very interesting poem and an amazing way of putting your words together to make this. It is dark and can feel sadness. It's great and I feel like you'll be successful at writing poems.

Posted 2 Years Ago


The first strophe really sets the reader up for something far different than what you deliver in the rest of the poem. It reads a bit sultry and sensual, and then we move to the city buss which is raw and isolated in its feeling. There is a feeling of longing and loneliness but the images do not seem to flow from the first part to the second. The third is a bit better as you walk into the the rain, but I' sill not sure how we get from waking to the bus, and what the connection with the first part is. The word choice and imagery is very good in all three sections, but the message is a bit lost without the common thread holding it all together. I cannot wait to see what you start writing if this is the beginning of your work. It will be great!
Jaycee

Posted 2 Years Ago


Katethepoet

2 Years Ago

Thanks, this is a really solid perspective , I agree with your assessment and I really appreciate it.. read more
JayceeC

2 Years Ago

You are quite welcome. If anything comes across as blunt, well that's just me. I'll look for ways .. read more
I think this was an amazing poem! So vivid and enticing. Very impressive

Posted 2 Years Ago


Katethepoet

2 Years Ago

Thank you so much for checking out my poem, I really appreciate your opinion .
I love the strong images of emotion alongside the everyday scene. Nice flow of descriptions.
Though one thing that sticks out is:
"Salt water emanates from my eyes and mixes with the wetness" the word 'wetness' seems to be placed there in lack of a better word.

Apart from that I really enjoyed it!

Posted 2 Years Ago


ANTO

2 Years Ago

Could I ask what was your final determination on the use of the word 'wetness' please? I see it is s.. read more
Katethepoet

2 Years Ago

Yes, ofcourse. I just realized how to edit my poems after I have written them . I chose to maybe sub.. read more
ANTO

2 Years Ago

Thanks for humouring me Kate. I see the dilemma. I also see the sentiment you are trying to convey, .. read more
this is really a great piece and it is very full of imagery. i really like it. great job!

Posted 2 Years Ago


Katethepoet

2 Years Ago

Thanks for reviewing my poem, I really appreciate it. I can't wait to check out what you've been wor.. read more
Dante

2 Years Ago

thanks :) id really appreciate that
Very well written piece of work, breaking up really sucks, great flow
and imagery, thanks for sharing and b-blessed!

Posted 2 Years Ago


Jamestown

2 Years Ago

My bad please do explain, I feel stupid?
Like the purist kind of joy that just can't last for.. read more
Katethepoet

2 Years Ago

Oh don't feel stupid at all, I just let the poems do their own thing. I didn't sit down thinking I w.. read more
Jamestown

2 Years Ago

Now I might be on the same page, lol:)
Written like a conversation piece you have captured the aftermath of a breakup maybe. It seems like you are coming around in the first stanza as the "scent of mercy" is born from a spring's night (what a beautiful image) and the "quiet whisper of the wind/That traces the outline of my spine like fingertips" (another terrific image) but soon remember the night before. Perhaps the bus ride is in fact the memory you have recalled about being left to drown in your own tears. Perhaps I am making all this up... who knows. But I see a woman who has been hurt and has nothing left to protect her from the elements of life, maybe. The speaker may be lost and drowning but the poetess knows her way around words. Great write!!

Posted 2 Years Ago


Katethepoet

2 Years Ago

You have a good perspective on this . I really appreciate you reviewing my poem:) I haven't been on .. read more
....................

2 Years Ago

You are welcome but the pleasure is all mine to be able to read such wonderful poetry. I am glad you.. read more
"shimmying" is an oddly joyful word for such a melancholy poem. Also, I don't know if water can mix with wetness, since it pretty much is wetness. I like the poem in general, though. I can't write unrhymed poems worth beans.

Posted 2 Years Ago


Katethepoet

2 Years Ago

I can see what your saying, thanks for reviewing my poem .

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Added on March 26, 2015
Last Updated on March 26, 2015

Author

Katethepoet
Katethepoet

About
I'm in college, pretty new to writing. I'm taking a poetry class and I really want to improve. I really love spoken word poetry but I don't really want to write. I'm 20 years old. more..

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Comfort Comfort

A Poem by Katethepoet