Fragments of A Father

Fragments of A Father

A Poem by kahlen369
"

How do you love a stranger?

"

                                                                                                            

Fragments of a Father

 

My only memory of my father

Is of a dream

 

It is blindingly bright in the bedroom

            On my first day of preschool

            My father calls for me to wake

From the open door

I never glimpse more than a shadow

            When I look out to the corridor

For the longest time, I thought

My only dream of my father

            Was of a memory

 

How do you love a dream?

 

My only memory of my father

Is of his death

 

I imagined it like a fairytale

The brave knight poised to fight

            Against the terrible dragon’s teeth

A man who died a hero’s death

While my mother stood behind and wept

But in time, his armour began to rust

As his body slowly turned to dust

Flies feed on victim and hero both

 

How do you love a dead man?

 

My only memory of my father

Is a faded old photograph

 

Of when he was young

With black rimmed glasses, western coat and tie,

            And a faint smile

            Once, I pencilled a portrait of him

As though I could bring him to life

If I drew accurately enough

But even when his eyes shined bright

            He remained in black and white         

 

            How do you love a photograph?

 

 

            My only memory of my father

Is of my mother

 

Of the scars he left behind on her

            With his shining silver scalpel

            In the hollows of her heart

            Where gnawing beasts reside  

            In the patchwork quilt of half-truth tales

            That explained the hole inside her

The first drops of colour begin to appear

 

How do you love half of a whole?

 

My only memory of my father

            Is of the mistakes

 

As time passes, her story changes

From fairy tales to foolish teen romances

            Great new hope to bitter old regret

The shadows in the cracks of his armour

Show clearer with each new light

The monster in the closet was the man all along

            Every bitter bruise emerges in his picture

Red with blood, yellow with bile, green with sickness

Until what emerges is merely

A crazed woman’s desperate ramblings

Messy, senseless and true

 

How do you love the mistakes?

 

My only memory of my father

            Is of his echo

 

            In my eyelashes like pine needles

            My thin and pointed mouth

            In my love affairs with books

            My fondness for chrysanthemums

            I find his blood in my veins

            His marks in my shape

            My mother sees it too

            Ghosts that dwell in the living

His echoes bounce between us

I find a shade of his shadow

            In the browns of her gaze

 

            How do you love an echo?

 

My only memory of my father

Is on every first of November

 

It feels odd to have a house

For a dead man

The heady smell of Chinese incense

Fills the void of the tomb

Swirls around the bodies

Of the relatives who have gathered

            To burn paper printed with gold  

The red-violet stick burns slowly

When I think of prayers of give

            In the scattering wisps of smoke

            I imagine my father’s spirit

 

            This is all I have of him

            A disfigured portrait of a dead man

            Sketched by a dozen left behind hands

           

            How do you love that?

 

 

 

 

                       

 

© 2013 kahlen369


Author's Note

kahlen369
Autobiographical mostly, with minor artistic liberties.

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Featured Review

This was beautiful and bold..


I thought I just read my own story.
I was 12 when mine was burried.
He had cancer.
October 28th '98
My mom a strong and proudful woman I loved her..
After the casket closed.. I hated her
She disapppeared in her room for months..
Lived as we were fine and moving on.
I felt betrayed those few months
How dare she at such a time .
abandon such precious gifts .
IF DADDDY WAS HERE IT WOULDN"T BE LIKE THIS! HE WOULD SAY YES!
Never did she reveal the lies, deciet, and selfishness our father carried in heart and grave.
She would only tell me to think of the times that were spent having fun with him,
special times, milkshakes..
But i never remembered fun times,special moments, or milkshakes..
I know how to pretend and go along with my brainwashed sister.

Someone in my family finally told me the truth about my father.
It makes my stomach cramp and send my eyes to water.
Not until I was 21 did I find he had his cake and a side of pie
a secret family besides my own. a Fiancee and her children
knowing he was dying every minutes he would rather had
wasted the seconds on them than his with us...(well me)
Now i understand my moms withdrawal into her bed..living in her haven.
How could I ever take those ugly and hurtful things that were said said back
I occasionally dream and see him in a crowd chanting my name in a game..
It is a little too late now though..Not because you ruined my life but you
left my mother with a shattered heart, to sharp and cold to put back together.
Forgiveness can only be done with sincerity.
I wish he would never visit again in any of my dreams
A grown man to selfish to understood how i feltwhen I'd say "Daddy" I love you."
Each dream I still tell him those words..
I hate the fact I cant hate him.



Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

kahlen369

10 Years Ago

Wow. I'm not usually the time to comment on reviews, but I felt like I had to for this one. I wish I.. read more
LadyRosaline

10 Years Ago

Thank you for commenting. I am quite introverted so I usually never give a review or let out a part .. read more



Reviews

This was beautiful and bold..


I thought I just read my own story.
I was 12 when mine was burried.
He had cancer.
October 28th '98
My mom a strong and proudful woman I loved her..
After the casket closed.. I hated her
She disapppeared in her room for months..
Lived as we were fine and moving on.
I felt betrayed those few months
How dare she at such a time .
abandon such precious gifts .
IF DADDDY WAS HERE IT WOULDN"T BE LIKE THIS! HE WOULD SAY YES!
Never did she reveal the lies, deciet, and selfishness our father carried in heart and grave.
She would only tell me to think of the times that were spent having fun with him,
special times, milkshakes..
But i never remembered fun times,special moments, or milkshakes..
I know how to pretend and go along with my brainwashed sister.

Someone in my family finally told me the truth about my father.
It makes my stomach cramp and send my eyes to water.
Not until I was 21 did I find he had his cake and a side of pie
a secret family besides my own. a Fiancee and her children
knowing he was dying every minutes he would rather had
wasted the seconds on them than his with us...(well me)
Now i understand my moms withdrawal into her bed..living in her haven.
How could I ever take those ugly and hurtful things that were said said back
I occasionally dream and see him in a crowd chanting my name in a game..
It is a little too late now though..Not because you ruined my life but you
left my mother with a shattered heart, to sharp and cold to put back together.
Forgiveness can only be done with sincerity.
I wish he would never visit again in any of my dreams
A grown man to selfish to understood how i feltwhen I'd say "Daddy" I love you."
Each dream I still tell him those words..
I hate the fact I cant hate him.



Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

kahlen369

10 Years Ago

Wow. I'm not usually the time to comment on reviews, but I felt like I had to for this one. I wish I.. read more
LadyRosaline

10 Years Ago

Thank you for commenting. I am quite introverted so I usually never give a review or let out a part .. read more

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Added on October 10, 2013
Last Updated on October 10, 2013
Tags: father, death, estranged relationship

Author

kahlen369
kahlen369

Writing
Anna Hong Anna Hong

A Story by kahlen369


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A Story by kahlen369