Trapped In My Body

Your body is your vessel, but sometimes it feels like a casket

I'm trapped inside a box that is my body. 

Like a mime, I push at the sides, 

But the mime is doing it as a hobby, 

Whereas I have no choice like the tides. 

The tides don't ask to move; 

It's caused by all the fish and the moon. 

Then again, the tides have nothing to prove, 

Whereas I care about my cocoon. 

I can't escape it until the next phase, 

Until I break it and run away. 

But broken, I couldn't win that race, 

Whereas a butterfly could find its way. 

Butterflies are only held in high regard 

once they break free from their chains. 

They're beautiful once free from their ward, 

Whereas I'm obligated to decorate my pain. 

Banging inside my shell as my heart beats, 

Walls close in and I make a racket, 

Others love their working vessel as a treat,

Whereas I feel underwater inside my casket.

Author's Note

Constructive criticism/feedback is much appreciated :)

Reviews

[emipoemi]

This is powerful and profound! Very moving! I very much enjoyed the structure and the flow; the imagery was quite strong. The musicality, however, got a bit choppy in just a few places after the first couple of stanzas, but other than that, it was a great pleasure to read. Well done!

[Michael (Letters and Li..]

This is a beautiful poem, Clara. You've captured the idea so amazingly that our souls are limitless but we're trapped in the confines of our body. That's a hard theme to portray but you did it brilliantly and beautifully right here, my friend.

[Cerebriation]

This is a beautifully crafted piece. The meter and rhyme are nearly flawless. The emotion is strong and the comparisons are clear. I love the way our bodies are compared to that of a cocoon, and how it feels like you're so literally trying to escape. My favorite line is "It's caused by all the fish and the moon", lol. My only issue is with centered alignment. It's a personal preference, but I think standard left-alignment lends to ease of reading and assists for smoother flow.

[Clara Kevie]

Thank you so much! This is a very comprehensive review and I appreciate that. I'm working on my flow with different focuses, pivoting around a central idea. I'm glad that the emotion was strong for you and the comparisons were clear :)

[Cerebriation]

You're welcome. I know that I love seeing complete reviews rather than some canned encouragement.

[PortraitsOfTheHeart]

Wow. This is beautiful. Very relatable and well written. I like the way you move from one idea to the next, and each metaphor has its own uniqueness which asks the reader to keep reading.

[Clara Kevie]

Thank you for the review! I'm working on bringing different ideas into a piece while sill giving it a clear flow. I'm glad you found the metaphors to lead into each other :)