"Flip It"

"Flip It"

A Poem by Kameron Armitage

If you're going to turn.
Turn into something good.
If you're going to break.
Break a bad habit.
If you're going to thrive.
Thrive for success.
If you're going to hold a grudge.
Hold it on the devil.
If you're going to be mean.
Mean to help someone.
If you're going to bleed.
Bleed out the bad memories.
If you're going to fight.
Fight through tough times.
If you're going to cry.
Cry tears of joy.
If you're going to lie.
Lie in the arms of the one you love.
If you're going to fall.
Fall in love.
If you're going to love.
Love someone who will love you back.
If you're going to die.
Die with no regrets.

© 2009 Kameron Armitage


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Of the pieces I've read from you, this one has perhaps the most potential. The usage of puns, such as in the words "turn," "mean," and "lie," work well towards your end. I wish that such wordplay could have been used more consistently, and thus become a central part in the poem's theme.

I have a problem with the lines

"If you're going to thrive.
Thrive for success."

"thrive for success" is a redundant thing to say, as all "thriving," by definition, is done in a state of success. In simpler terms, you can't thrive without it being for success, so the "flipping" that should be occurring here is not actually occurring. I suggest omitting these two lines.

I also have a qualm with your grammar; every other line in this entry is a fragment. For example: "If you're going to turn." is not a full sentence. "You're going to turn." is a full sentence, but by adding the word "if" you create dependency on a second clause in order to communicate a full idea; this means that you should combine the line "if you're going to turn[comma here]" with "turn into something good[period here]" Combine these sentences and repeat the process for the rest.

While the theme and message of this poem may be effectively delivered, it demands more inventive, poetic delivery. Perhaps look for more puns, as puns truly do fit beautifully with the poem's intended message, and perhaps find fancier diction; fancier, more poetic diction is always a plus.

Posted 15 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Of the pieces I've read from you, this one has perhaps the most potential. The usage of puns, such as in the words "turn," "mean," and "lie," work well towards your end. I wish that such wordplay could have been used more consistently, and thus become a central part in the poem's theme.

I have a problem with the lines

"If you're going to thrive.
Thrive for success."

"thrive for success" is a redundant thing to say, as all "thriving," by definition, is done in a state of success. In simpler terms, you can't thrive without it being for success, so the "flipping" that should be occurring here is not actually occurring. I suggest omitting these two lines.

I also have a qualm with your grammar; every other line in this entry is a fragment. For example: "If you're going to turn." is not a full sentence. "You're going to turn." is a full sentence, but by adding the word "if" you create dependency on a second clause in order to communicate a full idea; this means that you should combine the line "if you're going to turn[comma here]" with "turn into something good[period here]" Combine these sentences and repeat the process for the rest.

While the theme and message of this poem may be effectively delivered, it demands more inventive, poetic delivery. Perhaps look for more puns, as puns truly do fit beautifully with the poem's intended message, and perhaps find fancier diction; fancier, more poetic diction is always a plus.

Posted 15 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Wow! A brilliant piece of poetry! I enjoyed reading it! Thanx! : )

Posted 15 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

wow i really enjoyed this! i luv how you made everything sound bad to mean something good.

great job!

Posted 15 Years Ago


wow, chills down my spine, I loved it so much. There is a lot of meaning comming off this poem.

Posted 15 Years Ago



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Added on January 24, 2009

Author

Kameron Armitage
Kameron Armitage

Gilbert, AZ



About
I am 16 years old and I've been writing for about three months now and love every second of it. I am a guy and proud to write. I've ran into some problems, but everyone does. I hope you enjoy! more..

Writing