just this morning

from dreaming to waking it haunts me...the loneliness and the longing for him...

it was a party, a sort of grand reunion for our family. chaos was everywhere and guests were milling about. out of all of it, i noticed that the hired help weren't doing hteir job well. they were spilling drinks, hitting peole and are in this vast general disarray. my mom and i took a few and we went to somewhere quiet, like a kitchen in a house. i have never been to the house before. we told them that they weren't doing their job well and they should because the guests were complaining. all of a sudden, i felt this pang of dread and my mom and i went inside, it seemed as if it were our house and we locked all the doors so they couldn't get in. but then the locks wouldn't hold for some reason and then they had knives and they were coming at us. we ran and locked ourselves up in this room and there was a phone. my mom accidentally pressed a button which is used to look for the other extension phones but then we remembered that the others were in the party. no one would pick up. they were too busy.

"let's wait until someone picks it up"

"no, we have no time, we need the police"

i grabbed the phone and dialed the emergency number. no one was available, no one can come. i called every three digit number i know, for there were several back home. no one would pick up. as it turned out, everyone was at the party doing crowd control or making sure no one would get hurt. everyone was at this party and no one could help. my mom disagreed with me so she went out to find another phone to signal the others with. i feared for her life so i grabbed the sharpest object i could find and stuck the phone to my back pocket. there was a peephole and through it i could see the hired help all in masks and robbing us and making a mess of the house. they still had the knives from the kitchen. i opened the door and stabbed one before she stabbed me. i aimed for the jugular, i am a nurse so i knew that was the best place to hit for the kill. but the first attempts failed, my hand seemed to curve and miss and i couldn't do it right. i couldn't hit the spot i was aiming for. it's like m weapon refused to obey and i can't kill her. i struck her several times and she fell. i finally hit my target. and the other one just stared but i stabbed her too, over and over. it got easier after the first few. my aim was true and i stabbed a few extra times just to be sure.

there were a few more on the hall and i didn't give them a chance. they all fell before me and i ran in frantic search for more. i saw my mom run into a room out of the corner of my eye. but i kept searching for the rest. i found one in another room, i knew her. i hated her for betraying us and so i stabbed her over and over and then her head fell off and the blood oozed everywhere. she could still speak before she died.

"don't you know that we are both pregnant?"

i didn't care, i felt no remorse. i was so afraid and angry and i was blinded by it all. i stood up quickly, thinking to myself that i didn't care. i wasn't pregnant. i couldn't be. i was with no one. i went to the living room and saw the other one dead on the couch. that was the last of them but i couldn't be sure. i went to search for my mom, i went in the room i saw her enter. and then i saw her sprawled on the floor with blood all over...

"nay!!! nay!!!" (that was what i called my mom)

i came to her side and turned her over. she stirred, her eyelids fighting to open...she moaned and i can hear her raspy breathing. she was still alive but just barely. i needed help. i reached for the phone but no one would respond. no one could hear. and then i dialled the number i knew from my heart and soul. i called him. he was my only hope. my mom's only hope. and he picked up.

"you have to help. nanay is stabbed..."

i needn't say more. i couldn't. i was crying so hard. and in a second he was there. he picked up my mom and then we were outside and then he drove and we were at the hospital. the doctors got her. they stopped the bleeding. they took her to surgery but she was going to be alright. she was going to be alright. i was still crying and sobbing hysterically the entire time. i was shaking and i was filled with blood. of the people i killed and of my mom and probably of my own...i could barely remember but i think i was stabbed once too. and he was there and he held me. he held me so tight and i felt all of the warmth envelop me. and then i felt his breath as he whispered into my ear...

"shhh...it's going to be ok...everything's going to be alright..."

and he comforted me and soothed me and kept whispering those sweet, sweet words...and he hugged me...and i started to believe that indeed, it was over and everything would be better...

and then i woke up.

i was in my room, on my bed, with my sheets tangled all over me. my arm ached, probably from all the stabbing. and i was exhausted. and then i cried. i cried so hard and so violently. but not because of my mom. i already knew she was going to be ok. no, i cried for him. becaused i missed him. and because he was there.

i fought the urge to call my mom. she was sleeping for sure and i didn't want to worry her over nothing. i needed to talk to someone but no one would understand. i couldn't stop the tears from falling. he was there. he picked up and he came. we were no longer together. and he hated me for what i did. the thing that caused us to break up in the first place. and i just found out that he was seeing someone new. again. and i was so hurt and i was trying so hard not to call him again.

we promised we'd remain as friends. but it was all too painful. and i needed to heal. so i needed to distance myself. and he probably didn't even realize i was doing that. he is always so busy. and he is so far away. but he came. and he saved me. he saved us. he was there when no one was available. and he held me. and it felt so wonderful. to have his arms around me again, his breath against my cheek as he reassures me and tells me that he is there and everything would be okay...and i cried more because i missed him. and i wanted him to be there just like before. and all the pent up hurt and longing and love i have been trying so hard to suppress came rushing out. when i found out that he was seeing a new girl i cried hard for a night and then that was it. and i didn't cry anymore after that. and i didn't feel anymore after that. i didn't let myself. until this morning. when i felt every single shred of pain and i felt my heart ripping into a million pieces. and i felt everything i have been holding back and i couldn't stop.

and then i found myself deep in prayer amidst the sobs. i was praying, no, begging for a miracle.

"please, i love him so much...i really really love him so much...please let me have him back...please God, please...i'm begging you...please...i love him..."

and i keep repeating that over and over and over and my cries get louder and louder and the pain gets stronger and stronger and the love just consumes me and the longing and the despair and i no longer know what to do or think...

i battled with myself. i wanted to call him and i didn't. it was 3am. and it was just a dream. and i had to be strong for myself because he had someone new and he wouldn't really care and i was being ridiculous. and besides, i didn't have credits anymore. i was going to be ok. but i wasn't. and so i grabbed the phone and dialled, that number i knew by heart and soul. that number i refuse to let myself forget. that number that i knew even in my sleep and in my dreams. and it rang. and it rang over and over.

he was probably sleeping. it is 3am after all. and he usually doesn't hear. and i took to the idea that if he didn't pick up then, i guess he wasn't really there for me after all. and i would put my thoughts to rest and just accept reality. and accept the fact that it was just a dream and it would all sink in. and i could bury my longings again into that little corner and brand them as unreal and just think of it all as wishful thinking and berate myself for being so ridiculous and silly and for allowing myself to hope and wish and dream again.

and then he picked up.

and he knew. he knew the moment i said hello.

"bi?" (that's what we still called each other even now)

"what's wrong? why are you crying?"

and i cried some more. he snapped to attention and he knew without me even saying anything. he knew something was wrong and he had this genuine worry and concern in his voice...and i told him. i didn't have enough time but i told him as much as i could. at first, i was trying to be brave...

"bad dream..."

but then he kept asking and he was so gentle and kind and patient...and i missed him...and his voice was just so amazing to hear...after all the time i tried so hard not to call and stay away...and i broke down...

"there were robbers and i stabbed them and nanay was stabbed and there was no police and not even the firemen and no one was there. no one was answering and then i called you to help and then you were there...you came..."

i was rambling and sobbing and it took time for him to understand. but i just kept on telling him about the dream...

"...you came...you saved us...you picked up and you were there...and you came and saved us..."

"of course..."

that was all he said and i just totally broke down...and the way he said it...so matter of fact and sincere...i didn't know what to say. it was all i needed to hear. and he was trying to calm me down and comfort me like he used to when we were still together. the soothing voice, our calming words...

and then the line got cut. stupid credits. i tried calling again but i couldn't anymore. and so i just sent him a message...

"thank you...you're still the one i run to...you're still the one who saves me..."

i didn't get a reply. but it was ok. he probably didn't have credits too and it was so expensive for him to send me a message. i let myself cry a bit more. no, a lot more. and i took a shower, thinking it would help. but i cried even there too. he was there for me. he still is. even if we were no longer together. even if he was seeing someone new. despite everything, he was still there...he was even on the other side of the world but he was still there. and he was still the one who saves me...and he is the one holding me and calming me down...i didn't force the dream. i had no idea and i had no control. but even in unconsciousness or subconsciousness it was him that i wanted...it was him that i needed...and i somehow knew that it was him who would always be there no matter what...

people tell me to move on. and they ask me why i still love him after so long. and after everything. he wasn't perfect after all. you know what? i don't have a reason. i don't have an answer. i just do. but then that is love, right? you don't need a reason for it. that is what makes it true. but this, what happened, is one of the perfect reasons why i can't stop.

i can't get back together with him though. he couldn't forgive what i did and he told me that it is never going to happen. ever. and he just can't accept it. he said it still hurts and it doesn't stop hurting. so no, we can't be together. i can never have him ever. and yes, i know i am stupid for ruining the best thing that ever happened to my life. he has his faults. we had our problems. he has flaws and he has his moments. but still...and i keep trying to get him back. no matter how much he pushes me away and tells me no. i keep hoping and praying and i don't intend to stop...doesn't mean it's going to happen. but that doesn't stop me from trying.

now tell me, how can i forget about him? tell me how i am supposed to move on and let him go. tell me how i am supposed to stop loving him and find someone new. why do i love him? i can't give a reason. i just do. and this is one of the many reasons why i can't stop. now, can someone tell me how i do stop?