DEAD: Heartbreak and Guilt

Guilt and Frustration of a dead lover

Dirge of the midnight

Sadness in every word

Pain pumped in the heart

She curse the day she fell in love

 

Darkness in the sunshine

Madness in the moonlight

Tears of a lifetime

Anger in the graveyard

 

I died

I died!

I promised her a forever after

But... I died.

 

I took away her hope

Left her alone in a world so cold

Without joy, to forever mope

'Cause I died

 

How do I tell her to drop that knife?

How do I tell her I'm not gone?

How do I tell her about the tiny heartbeat in her womb?

How...?

 

I'm dead...

And it hurts

Author's Note

please review honestly

Reviews

[xx]

"Anger in the graveyard" - I love that. There aren't many poetic fragments that stay with me long, but that one just rolled off my tongue and is still rolling around in my head, bumping against all the nooks and crannies. It's an apt description of the regret or the bitterness one would feel, unable to do anything at all, restricted to merely watching the goings-on without being of any use.

It's a tragic story, the one nestled into these lines, the woman mourning for her dead lover, unaware that his only remaining living legacy is alive and well inside her. It's a sad, sad thing, the inability to see the things that are so critical, that could make all the difference, between even life and death, whether figurative or metaphorical.

Just one minor little thing - the last line of the first stanza. You might want to edit that tense error there; I think that was just a simple misspelling, so I have no doubt you'll find it easy to correct.

Good work, and keep writing! :)

-Mina

[Anthony (aka Mr.e)]

The deep anguish is portrayed with striking imagery. Very sad, but well written. Thanks for sharing...

[Helena]

This is the first poem I have read of yours kingblaq and I was extremely impressed. Content very gothic and surreal. This is one superb poem, I couldn't fault it. Top marks and I'm sending you a friend request. I must read more of you.

Thank you for submitting this to my contest! Helena

[Lunny]

this totally confused me

[Leslie Philibert]

Africa has produced a lot of fine literature, and this is excellent too, hard, simple words that produce a lot of thought, a poem with a story but also lyrical power.
Good work.

[Tomi]

Brilliant Writing, Intense and suspenseful Scenerio, How do I tell her to drop that knife?
"How do I tell her I'm not gone?
How do I tell her about the tiny heartbeat in her womb?
How...?" crowns it all.... Welldone!

[afra]

wow so dark and powerful....good job

[TL Boehm]

Oh man. This is a poem with a palpable ache to it. Once we're done, we're done and we can't reach out from the grave to help those we left behind. At least this is my belief.
Strong writing.

[Poppie Mira]

dark but lovely!!!

[.....]

It's hard to critique something so emotionally palpable, because you certainly have the emotional and sensory cues in this. My suggestions have to do more with grammar and structure. First capitalizing the first word of every line throws off the flow, if it doesn't start a new sentence it's grammatically incorrect to capitalize a word at the beginning of every line. Also curse in your L3 of the first stanza should be cursed.

I like the effect of the color on some of the words to add emphasis. I think it works well, as we often associate colors with an emotion or feeling. Definitely evocative and provocative in thought and feeling.

I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.

Blessings, Tammy

[reflectingus]

The pain and mental agony has burdened those words rather beautifully. I love how you italicized 'dead', greatly emphasized the meaning, the mourning, the tragedy of death. Whether it is the physical actual death that kills her, or the metaphorical kind of people changing, love changing directions, either ways, this is brilliant. And also the last part, just wonderful, how you bring two contradictory things, death with hurt, and it really caught my attention. I admire your writing, good job.