Saganista, revolt!

Occupy Writers Cafe (December 24, 2011) *Occupy Song* Award

Standing with my brothers and sisters,

Arm in arm,

Pleading and bleeding,

Disarm disarm

Our mouths covered in black,

There is no way we are turning back,

Shouting aloud for the world to hear,

Taking the streets with no fear

Believing in a better world for you and me,

Loving each other with no enemies,

No room for hate,

We all participate

Breaking down the system,

Breaking down the borders,

Breaking down the hate,

Breaking down the barriers,

So that we realize,

When we are in control,

The poor don't need to die.

Reviews

[JohnnyMagrinho]

I actually think the first two stanzas are pretty damn good, to be honest. The first stanza sounds like part of a Coldplay song and the use of disarm twice, following on from one another is a very simple effective way of putting home your point straight away. It's almost like there is some sort of mantra or chant running throughout the poem and that is heightened in the penultimate triplet of lines. It's effective and enforces your point being made throughout.

I really do like those first two stanzas. It explains the purpose of the poem and the point you are making effortlessly and gives some sort of childlike innocent/simplicity almost naivety about the subject your are hitting on. It's like "ring a ring of roses, a pocket full of poses" etc... That little childs song within the midst of a war and the immediate aftermath of it. It's a nice contradiction of feeling/meaning.

"Our mouths covered in black" is rather effective and you contradict that idea of being without right to voice your opinion/attack the government by rhyming it with not turning back. "Taking the streets with no fear" is a nice, delicate way of talking about rioting and acting out against the authorities that may repress these people otherwise.

I'm unsure about the third stanza as it seems a bit preachy/weakly written although the triplet that follows was nice and came off the tongue like a rapper getting more incensed as his story goes on.

The last stanza probably isn't to my taste exactly but it fits nicely within the confines of the poem and ties up your point well.

I think this poem does what it sets out to do very well and the message is crystal clear throughout. The way the first stanza runs into the second was nice to see, as it was effortless to read and the message is instantly received, very clearly.

[K.R.]

Thanks man!

[JohnnyMagrinho]

No problem. I appreciate a good poem with a voice when I see it. And I'm always happy to give a fair review.

I'm glad it was found to be constructive. I'd be happy to read more stuff of yours that is similar to this. I like the unsettled voice beneath all the angst. There's a rioter trapped beneath all that prose. I'd be interested in seeing more of him.

[Tai Ryens]

Really outstanding poem! It's quite sad that people still don't realize that the only reason that the rich are getting richer while the poor stay poor is because of this government. If we were all to work together, we would have no use for them. Wonderful poem!