A new leaf.

This is a piece I wrote some time ago (back on Wattpad), and I quite liked. On this website I'm sure it won't get the same attention, but it will give you a demo to my writing style.

The air is crisp, and leaves fall all around you. Laying in a pile of leaves yourself, you don't notice him lay next to you. "Hey beautiful" he says. In surprise, you sit up. You relax, as it's only your boyfriend. "Hey handsome" You reply. You fall back down into the leaves, throw some at him and giggle. You lay there and laugh together, as you stare into his bright blue eyes. You couldn't think of anything more attractive than him. You breathe in deeply through your nose, and feel completely at peace with yourself and the beauty around you. You think to yourself about how puny and insignificant... These leaves are, compared to you. They are worthless to a point, as they don't help with anything, but gosh are they pretty. Surrounded by at least one of your favourite colours, the green, orange, red, brown and the navy blue over shirt your boyfriend is wearing. He's so dreamy and muscular,  he could probably pick up and carry you off with one arm. You feel very safe around him. You put your head on his chest, and think about the day. He kisses you on the cheek, and gosh are his lips soft. You giggle, and kiss him back. His skin is perfectly clear, and his smile is beautiful. You don't know why he goes out with you, but you know you're lucky. You slowly fall asleep in his arms, as he just smiles. You dream of picking flowers with him, and putting on his cute glasses. You wake up with him on his couch. "You were passed out, so I carried you home" He said with a smile as you wake up. You realise it's getting late, and you still have homework to do. You thank him, give him a kiss and head home.

Author's Note

What could I improve? Do you think I strike the target audience the way I should? If you find ANY problems in spelling and grammar, please feel free to inform me.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

What makes this a fun & interesting read is the way you are being quite uninhibited as you observe the little nuances of what's happening & how it all feels. Your expressions of love & affection sound like a person who has never felt these things before & you're taking your old jaded readers on a brand new path of discovery as you show us this scene thru your eyes. Good descriptions of details & visuals & feelings & romance. I believe in the first few lines "laying" should be "lying" and "lay next to you" should be "lie next to you."

[Vaporvision]

Thank you for your review. I'm very glad you could find an interesting read in this piece. This was definitely directed towards all who are willing to read and interact as their own character... if that makes any sense.

[Ashwin Shanker]

I liked the story. The dream 'is this really happening to me' kind of guy and his ways with 'you' brought alive in this work.

I have one suggestion,
'smile as you began to wake up.' - CHANGE TO 'smile as you wake up'

Please see if this works

[Vaporvision]

Edited, thank you :) Glad you liked the story.

[Julia]

It's a sweet short story. As the reader, you're not in doubt of how content/happy the main character feels.

[Vaporvision]

The main character was supposed to be the reader. Perhaps I didn't portray that as well as I wanted to. Thanks for the review :)

[SilverGin]

Its good but its not going anywhere. I like writings that are not going anywhere and just describing beauty but this was not one of them.Sorry hope you wont take it the wrong way.Keep on writing!

[Vaporvision]

Mind elaborating?

[SilverGin]

Sorry i'm such a critic but i think when you write something it should lead up to something and if you're just describing some moment then it feels good to read only if the writing is super poetic and deep.I'll just cut to the chase and tell you that i could not find any meaning in your writing.It was like a homework where your teacher asked you to describe what happened.But hey,that's just my opinion.I dont mean to be rude.I'm just saying what i felt. :D

[Vaporvision]

No need to apologize, that's the whole point of critisizing. Yes, behind this piece, there was no true meaning... Simply something to help those who don't have this kind of life, feel good for a while :). That's all. Thanks.

[Tony Jordan]

Hi P. E.
I didn't get the New Leaf relevance in light of this seems to be an ongoing lovely relationship.
I love the scenario. I love their bond. It's really beautiful.
For me there's something missing. I love kooky.
Have you ever seen Gregorys Girl?
The park scene where Gregory and his date 'dance' lifts my romantic soul everytime.
I'm not asking you to pander to my needs but... if you watch the scene you'll get a sense of magic. It may help or not.

https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=%23&ved=0ahUKEwjK7LqbtarRAhVHZCwKHUu6CrIQ8TUIHDAA&usg=AFQjCNF1sHlk2z9QIx28jtvfnGP_UlkifA

[Vaporvision]

I'm not planning on writing more stories quite like this, but I will check out the scene. thanks for the review :)

[Tony Jordan]

Welcome P.E.
Pity...
I'd have liked to have seen where this went.

[Vaporvision]

This story DOES have a second part, but I'm choosing not to post it here because I don't believe it's as good as this part.

[Tony Jordan]

ok thanks for taking the time to explain P.E.

[Vaporvision]

By the way, I'd prefer to be called Passionate. It's no issue, though.

[Tony Jordan]

okay - duly noted friend. :)

[Paul E Mahlum]

I have enjoyed it as is. It's imaginative. I like the writing. It's been an enjoyable read.

[Vaporvision]

Thank you :) More to come, based on different scenarios.

[Emilia Cole]

lol its wonderful but its considered favoritism to do things like give *ahem* 100's even if they deserve it for beautiful pieces of work and lol i also was on wattpad well actually still am