The followed and the followers

The story follows a person being chased through a harbour city by some unnatural creatures. It smells of fish and the seagulls are screeching. Will the followed outrun the followers?

If I stay completely still they may not notice me this time either. I have outrun them many times and never before have I been frightened. But something feels different today. Could it be something in the air? Another supplement in the air with its usual smell of freshly caught fish? Or is it perhaps missing a hint of dried seaweed? I press my back against the nearest wall whilst I slowly start moving towards some shadows. My short, rapid breaths become more and more reluctant as I reach the shadows and kneel down behind some barrels. Barrels that are filled to the brim with eel heads. The smell is overwhelming even for someone who has lived in the harbor her whole life, but it gives me something else to focus on besides from the ongoing chase.

Just as I close my tired eyes I hear the peculiar sound of their non-human feet hurriedly running over the wet cobblestones. Have they already found me? With them still on my tail there is no time for rest. I quickly rise from my hidings and head the opposite direction from where I just heard them. I try to act composed when I walk towards the townsquare. Just as every other day there is an ongoing market where people sell every kind of fish and sea creature imaginable. A cart drives by behind me with a following crowd and I take the opportunity to look back after my chasers. I smile to myself when I spot them looking lost in a crossing.

Sadly my victory soon gets lost as I walk straight into a cart filled with boiled crabs and tilt it over. The seller turns red of anger but I can only think about my followers and if they noticed. My heart stops as I stare straight into their bloodthirsty eyes. Bloody fish fins! Slippering around while I hastily scramble to my feet I spot them in the corner of my eye making their way towards me. I start running away from the market and in between some houses. I make a sharp turn around a house corner, jump over a small fence and forcefully squeeze past some elderly women. I run through one of the many local inns hoping to lose them amongst the many people accumulated there. Thinking it worked I slow down once outside to blend in with the crowd gathered in the back. I cast a quick glance over my shoulder to discover I am still followed. Me and them now both start pushing people out of our way to either get to or get away from the other. I can feel the adrenaline pulsing in my veins just as I break through the crowd and make myself ready to run. But something stops me, a hand equipped with three impossibly long fingers. I can feel their oily surface against my bare arm and the blood in my veins freezes as I look up and meet my follower’s hungry gaze.

“You’re not getting away this time…”

Author's Note

Any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.

Reviews

[emmajoy]

This is a truly 'differen' write from most, mainly because of the surroundings. The description of place, smells, atmosphere is very good, more than.. As to the fear of what is appearing to haunt you.. i feel the sentences could be shorter to magnify the movemt, their stealth. Long sentences flow... fear is gasped. Perhaps? I wonder if the creepiness could have brief sounds/convoluted language, which would also break at least one of the long paragraphs..

I've added the above because you've asked for 'constructive criticism' which am not skilled enough to give in all honesty but - I've tried!

This story is a really intriguing post.. would like to see it move on to something more.. and more.. and..

[Stephanie]

Thank you for the review! I can definitely see what you mean with shorter sentences to increase the suspense.

I'm glad you liked my story. I would love to continue it but I just don't know where to take the story. If you have any ideas I would love to hear them!

[emmajoy]

Oh dear, have quite a lot on my plate right now.. BUT, promise, will pop in and out to read your story again and try to think 'things; Message me now and again if you have ideas you want to chat about.. will try

[Stephanie]

Thank you for your time, I really appreciate it!

[Ken Simm.]

Interesting. Em brought me here and I'm glad she did. The gothic feel is palpable. I do have a slight issue with 'Me and them' if you don't mind me saying so. Perhaps they and I would be a little more elegant? Please feel free to ignore me however.

[Stephanie]

Thank you for reading and reviewing my story! Reading my story again with your criticism in mind I think I agree with you . I'll definitely keep that in mind in the future.

[Pete]

you relate a tale filled with uneasy suspense. it is uncomfortable from start to finish. the last line is powerful & leaves me wondering what will happen. nice job. the only suggestions i would have are word choices in a few places and adding commas in a few long sentences or maybe breaking them up ...

[Stephanie]

Thank you for reading and reviewing my story! I definitely had some question marks myself regarding a few words when writing this story. I'll work more with thesaurus next time around.

[barleygirl]

You’ve done a good job of painting a “chase scene” in words. This is very dynamic with a compelling pace that pulls the reader along with curiosity. You use quite a few long complex sentences, especially in the last paragraph, which can slow down the reading & make it feel less “alive” . . . breaking it up with more short declarative sentences help keep the pace quick & urgent. Like in the beginning where the narrator asks him/herself questions, this makes for natural pauses, as if the narrator is taking a breather, checking out the chase. These kinds of pauses are not as abundant in the last paragraph, which isn’t as dynamic & urgent as a result of plowing thru more longer complex sentences. But this is a minor thing to be improved, not a major flaw. All in all, a good way to practice writing & produce a fun imaginative short story (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Stephanie]

Thank you so much for the review! It seems I need to work on shortening my sentences, at least when fast paced stuff is going on. I will take your criticism and work on improving my writing.