Kymber

Daughter

     I had the most abusive childhood, so my therapist that had practiced for over 30 years had said.  You know as a kid I thought everybody lived like me.  Their daddy took them to the basement and did disgusting things and mommy would yell that he had me down there long enough.  Mommy would beat us for no reason at all. It was like a relief for her.  We either had to get our own switches or a belt. God forbid if you put your hand back there and she didn't want to draw blood or make bruises where the school would see.

     There was a lot more abuse verbal and physical but enough of that.  I didn't trust anyone nor could I love anyone because if your parents can't love you, those people that are supposed to love, nurture and be there for you didn't want you and it seemed as though they hated you, well nobody else stood a chance.

     Needless to say that when I got out of there I was so happy!  I could walk around freely. Me and my sister got waitress jobs and got an apartment together. We hitchhiked where ever we went and we didn't even care, we were thankful to do it!

     So anyway my 3rd abusive marriage I had a baby girl, I had a stroke giving birth to her and almost died. When my husband came in the room and showed me a picture of the baby I said she was pretty and I said who is she, and he said she's your baby, I said" I didn't even know I was pregnant."  I had lost my short term memory and had a right sided weakness, her and I could have died and stayed in ICU for 11 days.  I was seizing on the table and it took 5 people to hold me down so they could cut her out.

      So when she was 18 months old I couldn't take a lot of stress. I took a lot of naps. Kymber was crying and would not stop.  I had just had it up to my eyeballs and I thought about mom and knew she would hit her and feel better.  So I raised my hand back and that little face turned around and I couldn't do it.  I immediately went into the living room and called the police on myself.  Four cop cars came and I cried and cried.  My husband came home and he asked why were they there and I said " Because I almost hit Kymber".  He looked at the police and said that I would never do that but I told him again that I almost did!  So at that time they had preventative child abuse.  They got Kymber in daycare and me in therapy.  I said I just want her to be normal, please just work with her.  They said no it starts with you.  I didn't like it but I knew I had to do it for her.

      My therapist taught me how to love her with all my heart and not be afraid to love her and how to be the best mother I could possibly be.  It was amazing how deep my love was for that child.  I had never ever felt like that before.  I did everything I could for that baby doll.  I worked hard to make sure she had every opportunity that I never had.  I wanted her to have a great fun life and be happy and loved.  I know that she knew she was very, very loved.  When we talked on the phone we always said "I love you" before we hung up the phone, always.

       She was in dance, competitive gymnastics, in the circus, volley ball, basketball, modeling, and she ran track.  I got her 2 baby sitters, the healthiest mothers I could find and told them I would pay them what they wanted because they were doing the most important job of my life for me.

        I'll jump way ahead, if you have read any of my writings before, then you know she was murdered, yes murdered.  By a confidential informer.  He was also a heroin addict.  He was obsessed with her and loved her.  She had a four and a half month old baby girl at the time and she was breast feeding.  He shot her up with heroin and then strangled her.  My heart is so, so broken.  She was the love of my life.....She loved Halloween! She was always so happy!  She was amazing!  She was a Blessing in my humble life!  She was the very Best Part of my Life!!!  What I would give just to touch her and see her again......I would actually give my life, such as it is...

Kymber I love you Baby Doll and I always will...more every minute...to the moon and back...Mommy

Reviews

[Hi]

Read your profile too. I hope you find courage to keep writing and people to encourage and be encouraged by. It's hard to really justify giving the writing itself a critique as it's so amazing you put it out there at all. It is very bittersweet. I am grateful there is some sweet there though. Thanks.

[kyam]

Thank you for your astounding words. I have to write about her, she IS my heart, my soul, the air that I breathe, and perhaps the destruction of me.....I really don't know yet....But I will write to her, about her, talk to her, and try to enjoy her as much as I can, even though I can't touch her or kiss her, or look into her eyes and hold her precious hand and tell her goodnight and good morning in person. I have told God that I would trade my life just for a minute with her, that he can have me and I will try to be the best Angel ever...but it's not in His plans and I have to accept that.... I hope that it helps other people, I really don't know how it could or would, but if it does in any little way, then I feel blessed and God gets all the Glory. He gave me that sweetest baby and I thank him with every breath I take to give me her experience, I am eternally grateful. I can die and say that I truly knew what love was.....Kyam I do apologize for talking your ear off, I just love to talk about my Kymber....

[matrixmark]

If this is true, then it's remarkable that you found the courage to write it. You are so so brave to write something about something so personal like this. I really am at a loss for words except for one

Brave

Mark.

[kyam]

Oh Mark how this means so much to me your wonderful words inspiring me to go on with my writing such as it is (which in NO WAY is in comparison to YOU!) but your words sound like honey to my ears. I'm reading your chapters and aside from taking my work calls I can't put it down, how incredible you write!!! It's so amazing, please write a book and share it with the world so people can enjoy your work!!!! By the way it is true......Kyam

[matrixmark]

Please feel free to write a review about my work, iI would appreciate so much. I am writing a book and it will be finished by the end of november. Then its time to talk to the publishers.

Your work is incrdible to read. And i really, really feel that you are soooo brave and it must have taken so much courage and strength to do. I really admire you.

Mark.