When You Are Not Here

Alone in this empty room

full of people

Surrounded by silence

as the band plays

Darkness overcomes me

beneath this burning chandleir

Things seem so different

when you are not here

PB 8/20/08

Reviews

[octane143]

Alone in this empty room

full of people

Surrounded by silence

The loss of your love is felt. You withdrew into yourself and the world ceased to exist with it. I love the way you are able to convey so much emotion in so little words.

[Loribeth215]

Hi,

Thanks for your comments on my post! I loved this one. I imagine a silent dinner party and a lady longing for her boyfriend, who isn't there....

[Imperfection]

Things seem so different

when you are not here

Surrounded by people but alone, perceiving darkness around you when there is light...
I'm sure many of us will be able to relate to this.
I like how you have expressed yourself so comprehensively and yet in such few lines.
Great work.

[Windy]

Short and meaningful. Intense write, so much said with so few words, well done, I know that is very hard to do. You managed to still have good flow and rhyme and imagery in just a few lines. Congrats my friend, very well done, though very sad, to miss someone so much is hard, I know...

[sarah]

i can't help but feel there is more to be said. I dont mean that the poem should be longer, I just feel like it can be more personal, or even perhaps just say "more." Not to say that it isn't a nice poem though. It's simple.

[LSS]

I like this, simple yet smoothly written, nice.
Lar

[Adrian K. Smith]

The stark contrast of how everything is compared to how it should be hammers in that dismal feeling of how everything is just not right when the one you love is not there. Many people do not like the word seem, thinking it a weak word (well, from the various books I have read). I think the word gets too much criticism. I believe this is the best use of the word I have ever seen. We are hit with the powerful contrast imagined in the first three couplets, and we should feel weakened by it - it was the perfect word to let the contrast slip in as the mood behind them takes over.