Albert

Kerii is not sure why she's here. its only the first couple of paragraphs

Walking through this open valley of open scent of nothing but fresh honeydew and dirt, I couldn’t help but feel alone. I did terribly wish that Albert were with me, since he is the only thing on my mind and I can never seem to do anything that won’t remind me of him. As if planned, my phone began to vibrate to life, and checking the caller ID, I couldn’t help but smile. I flipped open the phone, almost tripping over a rock as I walked forward without looking, “Hello Albert.” I said, meaning for my voice to come out smooth and sexy, however at the same moment I tripped again and it all came out wrong and jumbled. “Hello.” He said, in a monotone voice. He sounded depressed and zoned out on what really was happening. “Do you know what today is?” I asked him, sounding very suspicious, if I may say so myself. I could hear the smile in his voice as he replied, “Why yes, my love. Today is the day of our what year? Was it one? Hmm. Maybe two? No, no. It’s been three years, my love. Three years today since the day I asked you to be my girlfriend.” I chuckled and quickly said back, “Very good. I’m so glad you remembered.” I was so wrapped up in our not so long conversation I hadn’t notice the deep canyon that was only about 3 steps away from me. Before I could do anything about it, or had my brain comprehended that I was about to go tumbling down 400 feet of endless air, and landing painfully on rocks as my spleen is split and my intestines are punctured, I lost my balance. I shrieked into the phone right before I dropped it. My feet just seemed to snap under my weight and off I went on the side of the canyon. Normally, you would think that, while falling, you would be thinking of prayers, or loved ones. However, I was quite the contrary, I was trying to remember why I had been in this open valley in the first place. And how I got here. Too soon, though, I could see the sharp rocks below me and I began to ponder which way would be best for me to hit them; which would be less painful, or the quickest to my death. Right as I thought that perhaps landing on my head would puncture my brain and kill my the quickest, or falling on my legs, but that would result in the bones being shoved up into the rest of my body, and that would most likely be the most painful way, I felt a warm and sturdy hand grasp my wrist. I was jerked to a stop in mid-air. I cautiously looked up to see who had stopped my intriguing thoughts of the way I should die and who had saved my life. Albert, the boy, looking more like a man from my view below him, somehow always knew if I were to be in trouble. It just takes him awhile to figure out from his visions that it's me who is in trouble. And here he was, grasping my wrist with his muscular hand, pulling me from my death. It went by too quick, as if I had hallucinated everything, and before I knew it, we had been 'transported' back to school. And so the next day began...

 

 

 

        

“Kerii!” The voice I had heard so many times before called out. I whipped around, nearly hitting myself in the face with my long copper hair. “Albert.” I said, as a greeting. I continued walking as he caught up with me. “Thank you. For yesterday. At the canyon.” I finally got the courage to say. Strangely, Albert’s expression was fear. “Your welcome.” He choked out. “Why do I read fear on your face?” he looked down, and didn’t speak as we walked to Gym. I urged him on, “Yes?” He bit his lower lip and quietly spoke, “I thought that yesterday. When I saw what was going to happen. I panicked. And when I heard you scream. I knew that it had happened.” That was when anger took over my contained emotions, “YOU KNEW? You knew I would slip? And you didn’t even bother to say ‘don’t fall’ or ‘be careful’?!” Albert had a face full of fear again. Fear of me? Or fear that what he had seen might be something else? “I just. I didn’t think that it would happen.” By then I had dragged Albert to a corner and whispered fiercely while I stared into his sapphire eyes, “If you can see the bad things that happen to people. Wouldn’t you have realized that that bad thing was going to happen to me while I was that canyon??” He wouldn’t answer my question, because he changed the topic abruptly, “That reminds me, why were you at that canyon?” I shrugged, not wanting to linger on that topic. I quickly replied, as to not anger him. “You know me. I’m never really sure why I go to the places that I do. One day I might be in school. The next I’m scuba diving in the pacific. You know I can’t control what it does to me.” Albert looked me in the eyes, confused. “What-oh. You mean the disease.” I sighed, very irritated by Albert’s constant forget ness. “Yes, the disease, silly. How it makes me appear in places that I've never been to be before. Which brings me to my next thought. I think I know WHY it makes me go to all these strange places.” “And that reason would be what?” “There is something that it wants me to figure out about these places. They’re connected in some way. Think about it. First the beach in Mexico, then the scuba diving in the pacific, then the town square in Europe, and now the open valley canyon in Australia!” Albert stared into my eyes, “I’m not quite getting it. What do all those have in common?” “They’re places I’ve never been to. I’m pretty positive that I’m supposed to find SOMETHING about all those.” We stood in that corner for silence until the 8^th period bell rang. I went to the girl’s locker room, as he headed to the boy’s. He still had his puzzled look on his face, even as I caught the last glimpse of him as he disappeared into the crowd of guys.

 

 

Author's Note

hope you enjoy it! give me your honest opinions please!

Reviews

[Vlazuvius]

I really enjoy your concept, and I really am curious to know more about Albert's disease. So as far as plot is concerned, you've got me interested. I don't really care about or notice grammar issues, but if I had a criticism, it would be that you need to reign in your narrator a little bit. The whole story rushes out breathless, like a great waterfall. The scene in the valley happens so quickly that you barely have time to take it in before they're discussing it the next day. So, I think that longer paragraphs and a slower pace would (ironically, I guess) keep the reader from getting worn out. But whether or not you agree and think that's something you'd like to work on, the plot is intriguing enough I'm still going to come back and see when you put up the next chapter.

[Oz]

This seems to be a good start to an interesting story. I have a few tips...

I believe this is a contradiction...


"Walking through this open valley of open scent of nothing but fresh honeydew and dirt, I can't help but feel complete. I did terribly wish that Albert were with me, since he is the only thing on my mind and I can never seem to do anything that won't remind me of him."


Your main character says she is complete, only to say she is not in the next sentence. You also change tenses (from present to past).

I'm also curious as to why Albert was at the canyon...it seems too convenient. I also think your main character comes to this revelation of hers rather quickly...or even if she has had time to think about it, it seems rushed in the story.

Lastly, you might want to put lines of dialogue separate from the narration. It's gramtically correct and defeats the 'wall of text' feeling that drives away so many readers (a lesson I learned the hard way).

Now,

Overall, you've got good character development going. Your descriptiveness of the events taking place is also quite good. It feels clear and easy to see in one's mind. I'm interested to see where you're going to take this story.

-Oz

[Vonnette]

Aside from grammar issues (not a big deal), very interesting. It makes me want to know more! Very nice work. What's up with this Albert character? I hope you write another chapter!

[MarchAprilMayJuneJuly]

I felt like i was about to fall just as keri was... you really set the mood!! i was hanging on to every word with suspense..
written beautifully and with loads of passion!!
i can't wait to see what you are going to write next!

May