Butterfies

This is a true story, happened to me last week, and I hope you enjoy it. Putting these events in writing have really helped me to understand and get over them.

I’m in a musical at my theater company. It’s a thursday and we’re about to perform the last song in the show. I’ve been working up the courage all day to tell him. I keep stalling and making up reasons not to. I told my friends that I was going to tell him so now I have to. This is my last chance. I pull him aside saying I need to talk to him.

“Mikel… I have a crush on you.” I finally blurt out.

“I’m aware.” he says, “Allison, can we talk about this later?”

“Sure.” I say since we have to go on stage. I keep a smile on my face, knowing there’s hope. On stage I mouth to my best friend, Ella, that I told him. She mouths back ‘what did he say?’ ‘Tell you later’ I respond, as soon as I know. Bows take forever, I feel the butterflies flittering in my stomach. The same butterflies that I feel now as I write this. When the curtain is finally lowered. I stroll into the wings and through the door to backstage almost not wanting him to follow me. I’m almost to the dressing room when he calls my name and we head back into the wings. He pulls me aside and I hit my head into a pole above us, ‘of course, how stupid can I look’. We both laugh but I feel like I’m dying inside.

“Allison,” he starts, the butterflies pick up the pace, “you’re really nice and pretty and…” he drones on and I tune him out for a bit just thinking ‘but you don’t like me back’ and then he confirms my thought, “... But I don’t like you like that.” I nod and shrug it off holding back my true feelings.

“I figured… just thought you should know how I feel.” I respond, already at the door and hurrying into the dressing room. God, I feel like such an Idiot.

Sunday comes quick and I act cool, we have two showings today so it’s not exactly like I can avoid him. But, I have questions, I need to get him alone. All I can think about over and over is “I’m Aware” who the F says that?

The moment finally comes when I have to say it: “Can I ask you a question?” Mikel nods and follows me a few feet away.

“Um… If you knew, why didn’t you say anything?” I don’t even have to say it, he knows what I’m talking about.

“I don’t know… it’s not really something you just bring up.” I agree, but I still feel like he needs to answer for what’s happened.

“I blame you… You should have said something.” He nods awkwardly.

“You’re right.” he admits. Of course I’m right.

“It would have been a lot better than making me feel like an idiot.” I state, and walk away.

He goes over to his friends, Jonas, who teases me a lot, and Tayo, who is just an outright bully towards me. I see him talking to them as I talk to my friends, and suddenly Jonas calls out my name at me and says something quickly in which the only word I hear is Mikel.

“What?” I call back. Jonas ignores me… No, he told them. I don’t have time to worry, I have to go on stage.

Then, it’s right before the last song, just like last time and I pull Mikel aside and ask: “Did you tell Jonas and Tayo?” I ask and can hear the distress in my own voice.

His smile drops apologetically and he says “yeah… but they’re the ones who told me in the first place. I’m sorry.” I look away. This is the closest I’ve been to tears, but I put on a fake smile and barge on stage.

After the shows, I rush into the dressing room. That was the last show. Now it’s time for the cast party, and the butterflies have been replaced by dread. I can’t believe he told the two people here that bully me. That he knows bully me. The worst part is that Jonas and Tayo are also best friends with my older sister whom I can’t escape from.

Luckily, I sit far away from them and they don’t have a chance to talk to me. I told Ella about what he did and she tries to comfort me. My other friends unknowingly succeed at distracting me, but the dread is still in the pit of my stomach.

I get through the cast party and it’s finally over. I rush my sis, Ella, and Ella’s mom so that we can drive home, and I can get out of here, but they aren’t ready.

Too late. Mikel, Tayo, and a few of my friends are in the room where I left my stuff. I walk in with my head down and grab my box.

“Allison, you’re the best person ever.” says Tayo. I walk out ignoring him and sit in the hallway. He follows me out.

“You are so nice and pretty.” he says. Why is he doing this?

“Go away.” I command, and, thankfully, he does. To this moment I don’t know why, but I go back into the room a minute later and say goodbye to Brendan and Nika, my friends.

“You are a great person.” says Tayo again, and I just stare at him brimming with anger. “I’m complimenting you. Why are you getting mad at me?” he asks. Oh, so he’s trying to make me look like the bad guy, I realize.

Then I explode, it’s about time too, “Because you never mean it, and you’re always mean to me, bullying me!” I shout at him.

“Don’t be mean to her, Allison’s nice.” Says Nika, defending me. She hugs me, it’s all I can do to keep from bursting. All the while Mikel doesn’t say anything. I don’t know if he was paying attention, I didn’t even glance at him. I leave. I don’t glance back.

It’s finally time to leave and I rush into the car without saying anything.

As I am writing this, it is exactly one week later. I don’t regret anything, I just wish I had yelled at Tayo more. I faced my fears and told a guy I liked him, and I believe that that night changed me. There is no way I’m taking any of those guys’ crap anymore, and because Mikel told them, I don’t have feelings for him, it was simply unacceptable. Although, I’m going to a movie night at my theater company, and I hope that they are not there, but, just in case they are, I’ll be ready. I’m going to try to look hot as hell tonight, and I will be ready.

Reviews

[LastMonth]

Okay.

This is a nice story.
It is, though the problem is...

It's real.
You experienced something and presented it to us in the form of a diary.
Now that is nice and everything, but as an author I think you missed out on a potentially far more interesting ending.

I wouldn't change a single thing until you walked into that room.
Assuming you were willing to dramatize real life and alter it to better fit,
I'd have it that Tayo actually had a crush on you on his own. The bread crumbs are all there, the teasing, the fact he is friends with Mikel. It would make sense from a storytelling angle that Mikel and Tayo discussed this and Tayo begged him not to date you.

It would make for a wonderful ending (Not just happy, but interesting. A revelation.)
But Life is Life. And you wanted to show us what really happaned,

The way you wrote it is without fault.
You've done a good job,
I hope you enjoyed the movie.
Keep up the good work.