Cracks in the Attic

Her mind is vivid

She has thoughts that paint

murals along the walls of her skull

But when her lips part,

All that comes out is static

People don't understand how livid

she gets when her own mind can't even acquaint 

with her tongue, her eyes grow dull

with fatigue because she knows her art 

is compressed in a small, unstable attic.

So the paper under her pen

cleans up what spills through the cracks

presenting new space for inspiration and then

it just stays empty and collects useless facts.

Too many thumb tacks

Slice into her feet, too many knick-knacks to put away,

but who has energy for such acts

when its wasted away on cleaning up all these blood-stained

foot tracks?

Author's Note

Somewhat of a poetic freewrite (aka bored at work). May edit and add on later, thoughts are still welcome though :)

Reviews

[Lydia Shutter]

I liked this one. Sometimes I have trouble expressing myself with the spoken word, but when I write or type, I have no trouble whatsoever. It's very frustrating and, no, others do not understand that phenom. Useless facts often create a wonderful poem.....never discard them. I liked this. Lydi**

[Molly Garnet]

Wow, I really loved this. I feel like a lot of people could relate. No matter how vivid our imaginations are, if we can't put our thoughts into words, what is it really worth? Very interesting kind of rhyme scheme as well. I really loved everything about this poem. Very very well done!

[kublakhan27]

Great work, I'd say this requires very little editing if any at all...the first stanza is a knockout...also, I don't know if you knew this, but there are actually elements of Emily Dickenson in this character...nicely done :)

[Vikrantsingh]

Great work Leah Cross :) Liked the way you described this and really amazing poetry :)
Cheers!
Singh :)

[Mike Cole]

This is very good and very descriptive which really helps to make your poem work. I really enjoyed reading keep writing!

[JordanLane]

The idea here while some think is genius and other's childish is quite simple which could explain the vast range between those too viewpointsI like simplicity so therefore I like the idea however I feel in the third stanza it becomes choppy and forced at times I like the idea of an onslaught of rhyme to raise the emotion to a fever pitch but I feel this wound down too fast (perhaps the enviroment you wrote it in) and didn't allow for the reader to determine a stance until the last line where they have to digest everything amd make their choice 'good or bad' how -I- see it is you either have a good poem or you have a great body for an amazing poem that is just waiting to be revisited take it how you will I try not to be a dick on these things though my intentions are often misunderstood

[K. Louis]

I thought the imagery in this was great...and I also enjoyed that ending!

[Kelly Scheppers]

"her eyes grow dull
with fatigue because she knows her art
is compressed in a small, unstable attic."

Leah, I enjoyed this very much. And it was nice meeting you!

My best,
Kelly

[London's Lily]

I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. Sometimes our best work comes from a mind-wandering moment of free-writing. ;)
I was able to easily relate to your words, I understood your metaphors, and what I like to call "messy rhyme" is one of my favorite parts of some poems (perhaps I'm partial because I often write similarly, myself)! Well done!!

[The Verse: A Poetry Jou..]

it says too much in such few words. I mean, its to journalistic, I understand your attempt at metaphors, but they are too expected. for example the first stanza just leaves a sour taste you can shake. I would love to take another peek once you have done some editing. I do suggest that since metaphors don't seem to flow from you in iambic that you at least try further development.

[Leah Cross]

Funny you should say "too journalistic" because I took a journalism course for a year and then withdrew because I couldn't get into the style and format, but I guess I sorta did..
But what do you mean by "further development" exactly?
I was planning on editing it a bit, but I thought I'd leave it for a while since that came out of a free write and I'm not good at free writing, know what I mean? But thanks for the input I appreciate the honesty, perhaps I'll edit it in the next little while and see what comes out of it

[London's Lily]

I respectfully, yet adamantly disagree with The Verse's critique of this piece. To The Verse: I would be interested in seeing some of your work, to gain better perspective as to your writing level, skills and abilities, and where your critiques are coming from. We all have our own opinions, of course, and that is usually welcome by any writer or artist... but I'm disturbed by some of the suggestions and criticisms I've seen from a couple of your reviews thus far. You review things as if from the perspective of a professional, but what are your credentials? Perhaps you should phrase your reviews as being from the perspective of a peer, a fellow writer/reader, rather than that of a literary professor, which I am strongly presuming you are not.

[The Verse: A Poetry Journal]

Leah Cross: "Murals along the walls of her skull", this sounds too young. I see where it can go and how much justice a bit of tweaking to your metaphors would do. I am very particular about metaphors, if one sounds needy then it throws off the whole piece.

[The Verse: A Poetry Journal]

London's Lily: My credentials? well, I review or criticize the pieces on this site from the perspective of someone currently working on a graduate degree in creative writing. I am someone who understand very well, many classical forms and has a great respect for (true) free verse. I guess all the time I've spent writing explications of published poetry is the cause of my "disturbing suggestions," please understand I mean no harm.

[London's Lily]

I do not mean this in an argumentative way, so please understand that I'm trying to point out to you something you may not realize when writing your reviews. What I'm seeing is that some of the things I've read in your critiques come across as condescending, as though you're a teacher correcting an assignment. I read one of your reviews that included the phrase, "I hated...," and I cringed. Very patronizing word choice, and perhaps hurtful to the writer. I mean, when people are writing poems for their own pleasure, who are any of us to say that they must follow the guidelines of a specific poetic style? Make sense?

I do understand and agree with the importance of being honest, as it doesn't do anyone favors if we merely pat them on the back and say, "Good job," where we clearly see indisputable errors. That being said, we should construct our criticism carefully. For example, if you're reading a poem that mimics a certain style, but strays from the guidelines of that style in some areas, then rather than telling them that it's an error, how about something like this:

"Your poem strongly resembles _____ (style), if not for the third stanza, in which you____ (insert constructive criticism here)." (I really hope that makes sense, it wasn't as easy to type as it would have been to speak) ;)

Anyway, I digress. And again, I am absolutely not trying to come off as contentious, nor do I feel that my own skills are any better than anyone else's - I just wanted to point out to you that I'm sure we all can agree that truly constructive critiques are valued in the writing world, and yours can be as such, however, I feel your approach leaves a bit to be desired. A critique of a critique, if you will. :)

[The Verse: A Poetry Journal]

Haha, no absolutely, I take your words with kindness. I accept what you state and will keep it in mind when writing any other review. take care.

[Ravyne Hawke]

Verse, I too have noticed that you appear to take the high and mighty road when critiquing on this site. You suggest things, but then offer no advice on how to correct them, unless asked and then sometimes you respond and sometimes you ignore. Please know that just because you are working on a degree in writing does not make your opinions better than anyone here nor does it give you license to harm the delicate nature of a poet. I have a Masters in Arts and Liberal Sciences, but I do not word my critiques as though I am above the fray. I hope I've made sense here. I guess I am agreeing with LondonLily.. do not critique as a professional, but as a peer. Much respect to you.

[The Verse: A Poetry Journal]

Lori, thank you for always giving me great RR of work by other writers. I truly appreciate it, otherwise I would have never read many of them. You are absolutely right, however wouldn't you agree that due to my training when ever I do offer help it tends to be very beneficial? I completely accept my faults and will always keep this in mind, that when reviewing other work if
I intend to offer a suggestion I should expand and provide advice. Absolutely. Thank you.

[Princeps Angelus Mors]

I'm working on a degree on Engineering.

Bow to Zod.

[Ravyne Hawke]

Thank you, Verse for understanding.. and by all means, use your knowledge to help others and make comments, and I am pleased that you realize that critique without advice is not beneficial to the writers. You are most welcome for me sending writers your way.. I use my read reviews for other writers work and not my own.

[Ravyne Hawke]

I really like the mind being referred to as an attic and your wonderful image of the pen cleaning up the spills.. this is written with a lot of attention to imagery and it works quite well. I think if you tightened this up some, removing words that do nothing to help the imagery, this excellent poem will become an amazing poem. RRing my friends so they can have a read and perhaps offer advice.

[Leah Cross]

Aw thank you for passing it along, I would love that. And I appreciate the review!