The Hole In Me

A Story by Michael S.

A empty hole is hard to fill

When I was a senior in high school I made the decision to disobey my father and moved away to graduate at my old high school with all of those who I started school with when I was a little boy. These guys were my best friends and I wanted to play football and graduate with them like I thought it would always end. My dad wanted me to stay home and be where I was supposed to be, but being the hard headed teenager that I was I completely ignored him and did my own thing.

What I was not aware of was the long, sad, lonely senior year I had awaiting me. The worst part about it was not having a successful football season like I knew I was supposed to have. Which led me to hardly get any playing time and my dream of playing football went down in horrible flames. I never got to live my passion. I lost something that I can never get back. My dream, it’s over and I still have a huge hole inside of me. Playing football was the only thing that could fill that huge hole.

And now after 20 years another hole is forming within me that I know exactly what can fill it. But like before I know now that I have blown that moment to keep that from happening. I have always been a giver and the one time that I don’t give almost surely means that the hole will surely grow bigger. Only if I would have given more, only if I would has expressed myself more. Only if I would had followed my heart and reached out more to you, or only if I would opened up and given what was asked of me then this hole inside of me would not be here today.

I’m sad because I know if I had one more chance then I would give freely, I would love more, I would be kinder, I would be more loving. But I realize that sometimes when you make huge mistakes in life that a second chance is not an option and that’s what I have to learn to live with. It’s sad that I have to learn a hard lesson like this.

I miss you and you are my heart. You are the one that when I was growing up I dreamed about having in my life. I’m angry because I did not follow my heart and do what I knew was right the thing to do. I want you because you are my hole filler and you are the single person that can patch up the hurt in me and help me to regain that smile in my life. You are the true light in my heart and the flame that lights the fire in my spirit. Without you I will surely perish. So please forgive me and please fill the hole in me.