talk to me

final moments...

and Sam said this to me:
keepbreathingjustkeepbreathing
and I said ican'tijustcan't
and she said youmust
and I said ihavetoletgoletgo
and she said talktometalktomekeeptalkingkeeptalkingpleasejustkeeptalkingkeeptalking
and I don't recall--
shesqueezedmyhandithink--yesshesqueezedmyhand
and Sam said this to me:
and she said nodon'tletgopleasepleasejustkeepbreathingpleasekeepbreathing
and I said ihavetoletgonowletgonow--
 

Reviews

[Raef C. Boylan]

I read it as dying too...or the death of a relationship, which can sometimes feel like one and the same.
Really like the way the dialogue all runs into itself, like a gasp or chaotic thoughts.
Reminds me a bit of Stephen King.

Narrated in the past tense.
Hmm.

Intriguing and skilful. Great work.

[MerelyPoetic]

very interesting, unique and unexpected. i love that. still not capitalizing, pardon me. i read it first without reading the description...which felt quite like an anxiety test. but after reading the description and rereading with the knowledge....it turns into something completely different. it's sad, and reminds me of when my mom was taking her last breaths. she literally couldn't breathe...the cancer overtook her lungs. like toni below..i also was touched by the shesqueezed my hand.

[Who among Fire]

original & astounding. While reading it I experienced heavy breathing... must be a good thing.

[Jon]

Brilliant - I like this one for its style, its flow, but most of all the originality of its content. The style in which you have repeated Sam's words gives it that dreamy, echoey, out of body kind of feel that I hope you were aiming for - top stuff - going in my favourites.

[[untitled]]

So good.
And the form lent to the content.
I sensed my blood pressure rise as I read.

p.s. Thanks for the review of Bob's Story.
I'm taking a second look at it.
My first short story and I just couldn't
break away from poem form.
Thanks, Jack

[James K. Blaylock]

This really seemed so sad, as two lovers being parted by death's taking.

jkb

[Toni Prehoda Kahler]

This is powerful! I feel as if I am just inches away from your face, participating in the drama. You let me know urgent, desperate, without stating those concepts, especially by the presentation of the conversation. The "and I said" , "and she said" keeps the momentum rushing.

The no capitals and no punctuation but colons and dashes = perfect.

I am drawn to this: "shesqueezedmyhandithink--yesshesqueezedmyhand"

At first read I was convinced you were physically dying, but I read it again and again, and something opened wide---I suddenly felt the severing of deep emotional connection, I could feel Sam's desire--- and the power of this poem doubled.

This poem leaves me breathless and astonished.