Jack Cornaghey lays on layers of flattened-out cardboard boxes. His breath comes in short rasping gasps. Nearby an empty bottle has rolled - discarded on its side as the wind whistles through a cracked window pane.
Outside the street is deserted. Litter colours the drab scene and at the foot of the steps to the house the pages of a newspaper lift and fall, lift and fall and lift again; a stronger gust takes the whole paper and flips it over.
Of the houses in the row that are still standing this was the one that Jack had chosen, for the glass in all the other houses in the street was missing and he had chosen well.
The old man's breathing has quietened. Around the walls are the remains of pink wall paper. In the far corner small torn pieces cover excrement. The wall paper has made inadequate toilet paper.
Something moves by the door: a rat, fat-bellied with a long black tail. Sniffing the air before cautiously circling the cardboard.
The old man still retains enough strength to clutch a photograph. It is a photograph of a man in shorts - a thick leather belt sports a wide shield, and the pose is that of a pround young boxer - hands clenched.
His breathing has become frail and thin and the wind whistles fiercer now through the cracked window. The rat is sniffing the neck of the bottle, and above Jack Cornaghey something akin to a mist is forming. The window rattles and something surely is beginning to happen - the light is changing: the air is becoming charged. A feint glow fills the room - and then something else ... a humming. No - it is singing ... the singing of a young mother for her baby.
With a loud grunt the prostrate figure of the old man rises suddenly to a sitting position, arms outstretched. The photograph falls to the floor smashing the glass against the bottle. The rat scurries away.
The bare room resounds to the cry:
'Morrr..ther!'
The sun reaches above the opposite row of derelict houses now and half of the street is bathed and cleansed and the dirty soot-red bricks have taken on a warm hue. The slates too have turned from grey to blue and on the ridge doves are coo-ing and shuffling, welcoming the new day. As a bulldozer crashes into a wall somewhere at the end of the next street they take to the air, their wings sounding like the applause of a small audience. Curving upwards they are soon out of sight.
Beside the steps a small shrub grows from between the bricks with forcing tiny buds of bright green.
And there, now, in the street - see the young woman walking. Proudly carrying her baby - swadled in a thousand white feathers. See how she moves, with such ease and grace... and listen as she softly coos and how her footsteps make no sound. No sound at all.
Firstly, I know it's wrong to pick a favorite line, but I can't help but say that
''Litter colours the drab scene and at the foot of the steps to the house the pages of a newspaper lift and fall, lift and fall and lift again; a stronger gust takes the whole paper and flips it over.''
had a way of painting the picture, showing the way for if not the whole story a bit part of it.
You see, from where I'm standing you're story seems to be about two things: destruction and beauty. Or maybe it's about old and new. The fragility of life. Dying and living. Who am I to know? Oh, I am so blind. What I do see is the image of a beautiful white phoenix, slightly different than the usual red and golden one, one with white soft angel feathers. Because re-birthing from all the litter and the destruction is beautiful and angelical.
I'm awfully sorry if my review was a nonsensical ramble that had nothing to do with what you truly meant in the story. I really did like it. : )
This was an amazing look into your world of imagination. I enjoyed so many different parts of the story...but one thing stood out more then the others...it is the way you use imagery throughout. I was there in the room watching, rather then looking at text on a screen. Excellent job!
My grandad is an ex-boxing champion. He's worried about how infrequently he goes jogging nowadays [he'll be 71 this year]. So I felt an extra emotional leap when I read that bit about the photograph.
It's got a vague, abstract thing going on...like arthouse films. I can never get the tone quite right when I try shorts like this, but you've done it well.
I get a sense that there's some clever symbolism lurking in this, which I haven't picked up on and subsequently don't comprehend the meaning behind the story.
When I first saw the title and read the first line about a man struggling for breath, I was thinking about the white feathers women gave out to conscientious objectors during the first world war. Way off haha. The baby at the end is swaddled in feathers [I find feathers a bit gross, so I'm thinking 'lady nonono' haha]...baby birds eventually fly the nest?...a nod to the modern phenomenom of cotton wool protection?...purity?...a link between the cooing doves and the cooing mother...?
arrgh. Maybe i should leave the feathers for now.
Like a reviewer below says, it's great how you get us empathising with Jack and feeling close to him in so short a space of time with a limited amount of information.
Beginnings and endings, like Sueno says...
He's going to be dead in the house when it gets demolished, isn't he? Oh dear.
Firstly, I know it's wrong to pick a favorite line, but I can't help but say that
''Litter colours the drab scene and at the foot of the steps to the house the pages of a newspaper lift and fall, lift and fall and lift again; a stronger gust takes the whole paper and flips it over.''
had a way of painting the picture, showing the way for if not the whole story a bit part of it.
You see, from where I'm standing you're story seems to be about two things: destruction and beauty. Or maybe it's about old and new. The fragility of life. Dying and living. Who am I to know? Oh, I am so blind. What I do see is the image of a beautiful white phoenix, slightly different than the usual red and golden one, one with white soft angel feathers. Because re-birthing from all the litter and the destruction is beautiful and angelical.
I'm awfully sorry if my review was a nonsensical ramble that had nothing to do with what you truly meant in the story. I really did like it. : )
...and so it became interesting to write about the mundane - maybe master of the short story Guy-de-Maupassant's tale 'The Piece of String' was a pivotal experience... ha ha.
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