Avery: Child of Redemption

Just a short story I decided to write.

 Avery stared into the distance, the frangrance of roses and comsos flowers filled her nose with calming aromas, gently picking one up, she smiled, singing a simple song: "Gently, softly, the sky cries its tears. Hold onto what little hope and love you my dear, fall into clouds of reason, close your eyes, and count the sheep," She stood up, patting down her silky white dress. She rubbed her hands on the house's walls, feeling the marble rub against her pale skin, hearing waves in the distance, a calming sensation came over her as she breathed the freshwater in along with the flowers. Closing her pale, hazel eyes, Avery smiled innocently, giving a michevious giggle, this young child, Avery, was encircled by mystery and happiness, but gave off a melancholy chill. Avery was unlike any other girl, her skin was a snowy glow, her hair was silvery/blonde, pale, cold, vacant, ,dead hazel eyes filled with endless glee. As if she could feel no sorrow, pain, or regret. As if the choice was her's. Dead eyes was part of the deal of where her fate was now...

Reviews

[AM Mongan]

This was pretty good. My advice would be to break up some of your longer sentences because they get a little long-winded. Also make sure you don't fall into the trap of telling the reader stuff instead of showing them it. For example you said 'Avery was unlike any other girl'. Let the reader figure that out by themselves. But overall I thought it was good so keep it up. :)

[Free Writer]

Wow that's deep. This was very interesting to read and it's definately something I would suggest to someone to read. I could feel/smell and imagine everything so clearly, it was so amazing! Great work! :)

[Cameron]

I greatly enjoyed the song. I could put a tune to it as I read. Your descriptive skills are clear and visually stimulating. I had no problem imagining what Avery felt with her "pale hands". please give more =)

[Ayumi Minji]

nice story. keep it up!