Baby We Have Chemistry [new 'chapter']

Baby We Have Chemistry [new 'chapter']

A Story by amelia.elaine
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updateddd! i'm trying really hard to finish this story. I don't know if I should make chapters. But I don't think its long enough. I still think its missing a lot of character development, so PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ADD SUGGESTIONS!! And I'd DEEPLY APPERCAITE

"

 She remembered every word she said. "I love you Winter, but you and I both know it'll never last." She didn't even say she was sorry. Winter kept playing that moment in her head, as she listened to the songs she used to dedicate to Ashley.

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       They met in high school, Ashley was the star cheerleader, with brown wavy hair, that she usually straightened except for game days. She had violet eyes, and a smile that won all the football moms over. She also had a few skeletons in her closet.  Winter saw herself as a nobody. She had enough friends to keep her happy, but she never joined any clubs, let alone go to the school football games. Winter had auburn hair, because she hated her natural blonde, freckles covered her cheecks, that contained no sign of ever seeing blush. Her eyes were blue, her teeth were finally straight after four years of braces, and she was a 4.0 student.
      The only time Ashley and Winter crossed paths was in the crowded hall, where occasionally they'd bump into each other and smile apologetically. When the new term began, Ashley and Winter were in the same chemistry class, and half way through the term Ashley was already failing, in risk of loosing her spot on the squad, she needed an A on the next project, she needed Winter.
      As the class began to shuffle, as the students found partners, Ashley hurried over to Winter, she couldn't risk someone else being her partner. Winter was shocked to see Ashley standing next to her, she was used to working alone. "Hey, I'm Ashley." she said with her charming smile. Winter studdered, still in awe of what was going on, Ashley couldn't help but let out a flirty giggle, "Listen, I know we never talk or anything, but I'm failing this class, and I could really use your help. I promise it won't be you doing all the work, I'm not a slacker...." Winter continued to stare at Ashley. "So.... Whatdya say? Partners?" Ashley stood there praying Winter wouldn't just keep staring, "Sure," Winter said with a smile, "It'd be nice to work with someone for once."

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       Winter lived in the nicest part of town. Few neighbors, and the 'big' houses. "OH MY GOD! YOUR HOUSE IS HUGE!" Ashley commented. "I guess." Winter said shurgging Ashley's comment off, "Follow me, my rooms upstairs." Winter said as she started trudging up the wooden staircase. Ashley followed her still in awe of the large house until she came to closed double doors. When Winter opened the doors, it wasn't anything Ashley expected. Ashley expected books everywhere, pictures of Einstien and other smarty pants, but she walked into a dark lime green room, with a king sized bed, and hardwood floor. The walls were covered in posters of different bands, and family photos, along with a few pictures of Winter with her best friend.

        “Do you want some snacks, before we start working?” Winter asked. “Ya, do you have any Coke?” Ashley smiled. “Ya, I’ll bring some up. Feel free to make yourself comfortable.” Winter said walking out the door. Ashley stood up and made her way over to Winter’s DVD collection. It seemed like Winter had every movie ever made. As Ashley was looking through the DVD’s something caught her eye, and she made her way over to Winter’s closet. Ashley stood infront of the large walk in closet gasping. Winter had multiple designer gowns, handbags, and shoes. 

        “I knew I should have closed the closet door.” Winter said startling Ashley. “I’m sorry, I didn’t me too...”

        “It’s ok. I didn’t to startle you.” Winter said setting the snacks and drinks down.

        “Is that a...”

        “Probably. My parents travel a lot, and always bring me something flashy back. But as you can tell I don’t really care for them.” Winter said with a smile.

        “Are you serious!? I would love if my parents bought me this kind of stuff.”

        “You can have some of it. I wouldn’t mind”

        “I.. I couldn’t.”

        “I insist. What size dress are you?”


© 2009 amelia.elaine



Author's Note

amelia.elaine
SPELL CHECK, GRAMMAR ERRORS!! CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IDEAS ARE NEEDED!!!! =]]

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Reviews

A very interesting story thus far. I'm honestly not sure if I'm coming into it late as you have it labeled "new chapter' or if this is the start of the story. I'll have to go back to your pro and take a look.

You write really really well. Fluid, creative, descriptive and with obvious talent.

I'm typicaly not a nit picker when it comes to spelling/typos/punctuation and all that jazz. But since you're asking, I'd be happy to help and point out a couple things.

shurgging = shrugging ? :) and, I didn't to startle you = I didn't mean to startle you ? :)
Again, just minor typos. :D

One thing I will suggest is to begin a new paragraph each time a different person begins to speak. i.e. ...

"So.... Whatdya say? Partners?" Ashley stood there praying Winter wouldn't just keep staring, [enter new paragraph here] "Sure," Winter said with a smile, "It'd be nice to work with someone for once."

Just my 2 cents, but seperating dialog exchances with a new paragraph makes for a much smoother transition and an over all easier read.

Character development thus far is spot on, from my perspective. Again, I'll have to read more.

All in all, Nicely done. I love your writing style. I'm enjoying the story thus far and look forward to reading more. :))


Posted 8 Years Ago



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Added on March 22, 2009
Last Updated on March 22, 2009

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amelia.elaine
amelia.elaine

the [O]uter [Z]one, KS



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[O]uter [Z]one the new land of OZ i'll gladly read anything you suggest or ask you should also read;; Looouise | wicked.wanderer current project: wish i had one [mind not producing work] .. more..

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