TIME TO LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG...

By way of explanation of why I've been gone, and what I've been doing. This is not so much a story, as a letter to a loved one.

There are two sides to every story...or so they say. However, I think you'll agree with most of what I'm about to put out there for others to read. I miss you, Babe. More than I ever thought possible. I've spent nearly six hours listening to music that brought back our quiet Sunday mornings--when I played the stereo while you watched cartoons and napped between Tom and Jerry and whatever came next. I've sat here alone, laughed, cried--mostly cried--really cried--for maybe the first time in these six odd months, two weeks, three days, 18 hours and 48 minutes. I'm cried out for now; but some of the tears are from laughing.

 

I remember when the kids were younger and how you stuck up for them. Like the time David came home late (and drunk--at 16). As I paced the house, through archways and up the stairs and back down again, you snuck him in and took him to his room. Of course, you didn't mention right away; and then you tried to convince me that he had been home for hours. It's really funny how you shrunk into your chair as I picked up a moccasin and headed upstairs to beat him about the head and shoulders. Then again, he slept through it. I'm not even sure he remembers it to this day.

 

Remember all the pets we had? Precious, Sammy, Ugly, Autumn, Oreo. Cats, dogs, fish, hamsters, guinea pigs...Ohhhh! The hamsters...how you would bring your buddies in after a night of dominoes and longnecks, put the males on a chair with the females, watch the action--cheer for poor Fat Albert and laughed when he dropped dead from exhaustion!  Then there were the chinchillas and the baby I had to carry around in my bra for a few day because Daddy wanted to mate as soon as the baby came. Boy, were you mad when I gave those suckers away because I was going to Spain to visit Kelly--and they had cost so much. But, really, what was I supposed to do? You couldn't take care of them what with your asthma and their lava dust.

 

As each of our critter friends passed on, you felt it even more than I. I had to sit with some of them while the vet introduced them with their Maker--you stayed in the car. Now, I'm remembering the goldfish that died in the tank. Once again you came home late from a night with 'the boys'...you saw him floating, thought you could help...and I awoke on the couch to your doing what you called artificial respiration on Big Sam on the kitchen counter! OH MY GOD! My stomach hurts from laughing, and my throat from crying.

 

It wasn't all fun and games, though. Once you got so angry that you kept walking toward me and I backed into a wall, not knowing what to expect. I had had my teeth pulled a few weeks before and didn't have dentures yet. You were nose-to-nose wit me and sputtering someing in Spanish. I looked you straight in the eyes and asked, "What are you going to do now, Mr. Macho? Knock my teeth out?" Just like Lucy and Desi. We both burst into fits of laughter that caused hiccups.

 

We didn't agree on a lot of things; and we shared our opinions with each other fairly passionately! Of course, there was nothing to our relationship if not passion. There were loud voices on both sides (but, more mine than yours, for you were the quiet one, the openly compassionate one, but just as stubborn as I.) Well, a Leo and a Sag--two fire signs--what else would one expect? And I threw things. I remember one time I picked up a lamp and threw it after you right after the clock-radio. You caught the clock -radio and tried to fix it, while ducking and dodging the rest.

 

Then, as for fixing things, you weren't exactly Mr. Wizard. lol  You broke my sister's vacuum cleaner, when all it needed was a new belt. You dismantled the entire thing and had too many parts left over. You 'helped' me paint the hallway and spilled nearly half a gallon of navy blue paint on a powder blue carpet. We called the resulting stain our resident dead Smurf. It's probably still there. I don't know. I left shortly after you did. I always said that I had lost my mind; but now I remember what happened: I just gave you a piece of it every day for over thirty years!

 

You met and accepted all of my friends and never tried to stop me from going anywhere--well, there was that one time. I had to remind you that my flag flew over your country, not the other way around. Then, even tho' I had no intention of leaving the house...I went anyway.

 

Remember when Paul came to visit from England? We had met online. I invited him to stay with us? Now, ordinarily I am the conspiracy theorist; but you were the one that came up with the crazy idea that he was going from country to country and state to state and killing people as he went on his merry way. When he finally arrived, though, we spent many evenings gathered together in our living room--a glass of wine, great conversation, better music, and a lot of laughing into the wee hours of the next morning. After he left, you asked about him all the time...hahaha   I even remember how you though it your 'fatherly' duty to make sure that he didn't sit too close to Izzy (33) on the sofa in what was your most subtle way...you brought him a chair from the kitchen to sit on. lmao

 

There are so many good memories. There are memories of times that hurt also, but they're nearly negated by the others. At the time, they tore me to pieces. At the time, I even wished you dead. I just hope you know within your heart of hearts that I would take it all back, if there was a chance of spending just one more day with you.

 

I loved you then. I love you now. I think I loved you even before I met you. Sorry for airing dirty laundry...but I know you'll understand. I hope your pain is gone and you're able to look down on Jenna, Kelly, and Tyler. I remember you saying that you wanted most in this world to see Ty (our youngest grandson) grow up and graduate from school--even though as you said it, you were aware that it was not to be. Ty and Kelly still talk about you all the time.

 

Oh, one more thing: you know how you always wanted to go back to Puerto Rico to see your Mom and Dad's gravesite? Well, Norma's going to take care of that for me. Soon you'll all be together again, just like you Mother wanted.

 

Well, I'm cried out, at least for now. It was very cathartic. Thanks for listening to me go on and on and on. You usually did...or, at least, pretended to. There's so much more we could talk about, but I think I can sleep now. I'll see you in my dreams.

 

 

Author's Note

I couldn't come back or write again until I put myself back together. I hope you'll forgive my absence. I can't promise to be around on too regular a basis, but I promise that I'll try.

Reviews

[Phibby Venable]

Linda, my husband of 30 years died in March..this writing is a great help to me. No matter where
I look, there is a connection to him. He wanted to see our daughter graduate college this coming May.
I feel very sad for you and wish many blessings of hope your way. Remembering can hit at any given
moment, as can tears. I hope you know I am wishing you all the very best and a happy holiday with
the ones still here. ( I dream a lot too)
Many hugs to you.

[Emily B]

This is love. Happy and sad. Winning and losing. What a wonderful story! It gives me hope.

[Angelheaded Hipster]

This is love, and you have love in your life. Linda, Ive been gone, but to know you are able to write again, woman, that makes me happy....so very happy for you.

[J. Hampton]

Linda ~

your openess in writing this....is humbling.....You kept it real...the good the bad...the ugly...even humor.
It's a jangle of random thoughts and memories thaty sing...dance and haunt.
It is beautiful..I thank you for sharing with us.

Bessssssssssssss

[Robert Luna]

I feel both honored and blessed for being able to read this. You have once again gave me so much to read and appreciate about your work. I think you did him a great honor remembering all the wonderful memories that flood your mind as you think about such an important part of our life. We as a reader can feel and see the connection that you two shared and had. Love is a bond that last forever. I know this has been a very difficult journey for you and I have prayed everyday for you. I know you will only get better as time moves forward. But always remember if you need someone to talk to I am always here for you.

[Siddartha Beth Pierce]

A wonderful write about that which matters most if our life - our family - you have expressed the difficult, the mundance and the beautiful completely. A beautiful masterpiece. I hope he reads this and appreciates your loving soul.
Light,
Siddartha

[Cdnsurfer]

Linda, this is wonderful, heartbreaking stuff. I'm glad this allowed you to come to terms with things, and to make peace, knowing and remembering what your husband meant. Life is short. As long as we keep the memories in our hearts, then they will continue to be there through all the rest that life has to offer. Be well. Rob