Precious One

Precious One

A Poem by AriesGirl
"

I can't get over him. And he probably doesn't know I exist.

"
f I never saw you again,
If our paths never crossed like they did once before,
It wouldn't matter.
I would still love you and love you
And keep you as safe from afar
As I could,
And support you in every way possible,
And imagine holding you in my arms
And keeping you warm and loved
When I sense you need it most-
When my eyes fly open in the middle of the night,
Sensing you,
And I reach for my phone and see that you can't sleep on your Instagram account.

I've been there, my darling. And I will send you soothing thoughts each time and hope you sleep, and hope you don't need anything outside of yourself except maybe my love to calm you.

No matter how long I go without you,
I will not really be without you,
Because you are in my mind and my heart and I feel
Your sweet spirit every single day,
And I love you with all of me.

I hope you feel this love somehow and I hope you can benefit from it.

I feel pain in your eyes sometimes that almost hollows me out inside and the tears burst out so hard that I can't contain them.

I want to be able to quell that pain in you and in me, and I will do it from afar as best as I can,
But I would love to help you in a more tangible way as well.

I love you so very much, my Precious One. 

© 2017 AriesGirl


Author's Note

AriesGirl
I understand that this is maybe too melodramatic and that the setup may look strange to some. Just looking for any constructive feedback. Thanks!

My Review

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Featured Review

The emotion in this is just amazing. I can feel your yearning to be with someone who isn't with you. I've been there, and it resonated with me.

Since you asked for constructive criticism, I would suggest trying to find a way to break your lines down. Your reader can follow your ideas better if the lines are no more than 10 or 14 syllables long, and all the same length. As you have it, the reader doesn't have built-in pauses to take a breath, but that's not too hard to fix, and the message in your poem is worth it. You have beauty, love, pain, and hope here, and you want your reader to appreciate that, without getting tired or lost on the way there.

Alsoi, and for the same reasons, you might want to look at your punctuation use. You'll probably find that you want a comma, semicolon, or period almost every place you end up breaking up the lines, because they provide cues to the reader to pause and take a breath.

I really enjoyed your poem. I'm glad I found it.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AriesGirl

6 Years Ago

Thank you for your honesty. I'm going to work on the structure to make an easier read for my audienc.. read more
Debbie Barry

6 Years Ago

You're welcome. I hope the suggestions were helpful.



Reviews

The emotion in this is just amazing. I can feel your yearning to be with someone who isn't with you. I've been there, and it resonated with me.

Since you asked for constructive criticism, I would suggest trying to find a way to break your lines down. Your reader can follow your ideas better if the lines are no more than 10 or 14 syllables long, and all the same length. As you have it, the reader doesn't have built-in pauses to take a breath, but that's not too hard to fix, and the message in your poem is worth it. You have beauty, love, pain, and hope here, and you want your reader to appreciate that, without getting tired or lost on the way there.

Alsoi, and for the same reasons, you might want to look at your punctuation use. You'll probably find that you want a comma, semicolon, or period almost every place you end up breaking up the lines, because they provide cues to the reader to pause and take a breath.

I really enjoyed your poem. I'm glad I found it.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AriesGirl

6 Years Ago

Thank you for your honesty. I'm going to work on the structure to make an easier read for my audienc.. read more
Debbie Barry

6 Years Ago

You're welcome. I hope the suggestions were helpful.

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1 Review
Added on November 28, 2017
Last Updated on November 28, 2017
Tags: crush, love, feelings, singer, fangirl, music, singers, musicians, celebrities

Author

AriesGirl
AriesGirl

About
Love reading, writing, and music. 25. Midwesterner. Freelance Writer by day, creative daydreamer by night. I mostly write about my real life feelings and experiences. I would love to branch out int.. more..

Writing
April 2017 April 2017

A Story by AriesGirl