You Are Until You're Not

You Are Until You're Not

A Poem by Dead Alive Dave
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You are until you’re not
Alive until you’re dead
In love until you’re not
A winner until you lose
On repeat until it’s new
Lost until you’re found
Nothing until you’re something
Dead until you live
Alone until we aren't
You are until you’re not

© 2017 Dead Alive Dave



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You can definitely use the actual antonyms of "in love" and "alone". Save the "notes for the "are"s for that's where the power lies. Using a "not" in another line simply sounds sloppy. Also, you don't have to do this, but you could experiment with rhymes in this piece to amp up the kick. Well done!

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Dead Alive Dave

3 Weeks Ago

I like how you review emipoemi. It's pretty rare for me to work on something after I finished it bu.. read more



Reviews


this reminds me that I always am.

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


This is quite a well themed poem. Really. It reminds me of the song let her go, you can try to look that up which is so alike that of your poem :) But there are some places which can still be flourished for me. The first thing is I don't know if you are trying to make your poem parallel like the top sentence to the last, the second to the second last, etc,which can be a good practice. Another thing is that in some cases, some words didn't make the magic works, say "in love until you are not", perhaps change it to "in love until heart breaks", such that the meaning is opposite enough. You also well written "Lost until you re found", which has a second layer of meaning, you can try to develop this on the other sentences as well. Lastly, you can improve on making the syllables and part of speech of each sentence identical, which is the magic of poem. Job well done!


Posted 3 Weeks Ago


I've never really thought about that. It's an interesting way to look at life. I enjoyed reading this.

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

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Gee
Good morning..........remembered until forgotten which most will be, thought of only by one generation then gone, not that we'll give a flying f**k because we'll all be down with the devil topping up the tan.


Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Dead Alive Dave

3 Weeks Ago

I bet you could've said that with less words.
Gee

3 Weeks Ago

Gone .............
Dead Alive Dave

3 Weeks Ago

Weak enough, I suppose.
You can definitely use the actual antonyms of "in love" and "alone". Save the "notes for the "are"s for that's where the power lies. Using a "not" in another line simply sounds sloppy. Also, you don't have to do this, but you could experiment with rhymes in this piece to amp up the kick. Well done!

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Dead Alive Dave

3 Weeks Ago

I like how you review emipoemi. It's pretty rare for me to work on something after I finished it bu.. read more
yep! so true ;) and are not until we are! :))) or :(((

E.

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Einstein Noodle

3 Weeks Ago

ohhhhhh! not nice to be trolls ..:( sorry to hear you are having that kind of thing going on but ver.. read more
Dead Alive Dave

3 Weeks Ago

Don't fret for me... I'm a kind of troll myself. Don't you already know all this?
Einstein Noodle

3 Weeks Ago

ah nope...pretty ignorant of such things ...i am enjoying it that way ;)
yes ... very much so ... I like this a lot ... unique .... X


Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Dead Alive Dave

3 Weeks Ago

Thanks. It makes me happy to know.
I agree, except the fourth line. Suppose I don't wager a bet or compete, how am I a winner or a loser?

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Dead Alive Dave

3 Weeks Ago

As long as you're alive and breathing you're winning... but no one wins forever. Ugh, I just sounde.. read more
DIVYA

3 Weeks Ago

Yes. if we see it that way.
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BBP
Can't argue with that! lol

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Dead Alive Dave

3 Weeks Ago

Sure you can. If you clever you can argue with anything.
Dead Alive Dave

3 Weeks Ago

....if you're clever... I meant. F*****g typos will be the death of me

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9 Reviews
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Added on October 27, 2017
Last Updated on October 27, 2017

Author

Dead Alive Dave
Dead Alive Dave

Nassau, New Providence, Bahamas



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“Children are like poems. They're beautiful -- to their creators -- but to others they're just silly and f*****g annoying.” D Stanhope more..

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