Soldier

A story baised off of events that happened to my grandfather.

 

Soldier

 

            A fog rolled in off the river; silent, ominous and hungry. The moonlight broke through holes in the cloudy sky. In the distance, the faint rumble of thunder could be heard. The smell of rain carried heavily on the muggy breeze, bringing a chill to the camp.

            A few men sat on logs hunched around a small fire. They tried warming themselves, but a feeling of unease slithered through them. They cat in a circle facing each other. The men facing each other were looking out beyond each other. Those facing the jungle kept their eyes on the foliage, protectively watching each others backs. Even the men whose backs faced the nylon tents had a man anxiously watching the darkness between the tents. No one spoke. They just sat there, watching, waiting.

            Corporal James Powell sat in front of a young kid just out of high school. The kid’s back was facing the darkness of the jungle. He didn’t know the kid very well. He was a rookie, a replacement that had come in just a week earlier. The kid’s company had replaced a platoon of very tired and worn out soldiers, and bonding time had been scarce.

            He didn’t even know the kid’s name. That didn’t matter though. New or not, kid or adult, these men had been trained in combat. They knew the basics. James trusted that they could point their guns and shoot. When it came down to it, that was more important than knowing the kids name.

            They had been out in the jungle for five days, and had seen three days of firefighting. James had watched the young men go from fat headed, war hungry kids to grown men who knew what it meant to kill or be killed. There was nothing glorifying about war. Not when it was your life on the line, and a split seconds hesitation would send you home in a coffin.

            James looked at the kid. He couldn’t have been much older, maybe half a year at the most. But he felt much older. He wondered what the kids name was. For a moment he cursed himself for not taking a second to ask.

            His thoughts were interrupted as he caught the faintest movement in the foliage behind the kid. He tensed and squinted his eyes. The man next to him had stiffened as well. This really unnerved James. One person seeing something was probably, but two people made it almost undeniable. 

            The rest of the unit was now sitting at attention. No one moved, they just watched. It was impossible to hear anything beyond the camp. Out of the darkness rose a symphony of sound. The thunder of an incoming storm joined the chirping of cicadas and the crackle of their fire.

            James watched the trees. His eyes narrowed and his pulse quickened. They were out there.

            “DUCK AND COVER!”

            James threw himself face first into the ground. There was an explosion behind him and random debris pelted him. It was mostly rock and sand. He had to believe that. He had to believe it was only rock and sand and not one of his buddies.

            The young kid that had previously been sitting in front of James now had his gun propped up against the log. James crawled up next to him. He propped his gun on the log and began to scan the jungle.

            “Where are they?” the kid asked.

            “Everywhere.” James said quickly.

            He watched as they came from the darkness in droves. As if the jungle had birthed them from the soil. James took aim and fired. He didn’t know if he had hit them, but he took aim and fired again.

            Then as if the crust of the earth had been split open, and all hell was allowed to spill out, fire and smoke erupted all around James and the kid. It consumed them, wrapping them in a blanket of heat. The smoke choked the air, and James couldn’t breathe. He pressed his face close to the ground, gasping for clean cool air.

            The smoke began to clear a bit and James pulled himself together. He peaked over the log once again, took aim and fired. He ducked back behind the log and took a moment to gather himself.

            The nylon tents that had once stood behind him were now on fire. Many were being consumed by the greedy flames, and many were in smoldering ruins. The sight was almost hypnotic.

            It was either the gun fire, or the smell of burnt flesh that broke the hypnotic affect on James. He checked his ammo, readied his fun and peeked back over the log. It seemed to him that the jungle was actually advancing on them. As if the trees had pulled themselves free from the Earth.

            The storm that had been distant before was almost on top of them. James began to pray as he took aim again. He prayed for a flash of lightening, or anything to light up the enemy lines.

            God has a unique way of answering prayers. At that moment God must have heard the urgency in James’s prayers. The kid had pulled a grenade from his jacket. He yanked the pin, stood up, let out a feral snarl and hurled the grenade as far as he could. It exploded, sending men flying through the air and giving James just enough light to see in front of him.

            The Cong were smart. They had covered themselves in jungle foliage and had slowly begun to creep toward the camp. That was what made them so hard to see. They blended into the scenery.  The kid was back on the ground next to James.

            He was breathing hard, and he was pale. The adrenalin that had fueled him to throw the grenade was draining from his body, and he began to shake violently. James grabbed him by the collar.

            “You stay with me damn it. Don’t you pass out! Soldier!”

            The kid looked into James’s eyes and that seemed to draw him back from hysteria. James let him go and handed him his gun.

            “Aim and fire!” James shouted. “We’ll make it through this.”

            The sky broke, and it began to rain. Big drops fell to the Earth. When they struck, it actually hurt. James welcomed the pain. It let him know that he was still alive. He had no idea how long they had been in combat. But it was beginning to slow. He wondered just who was winning. From where he was currently, it looked like the Cong might actually be winning this one.

            The kid hadn’t really moved since he had thrown the grenade. James wondered what was going on in his head. Whatever it was, it wasn’t good. But surviving this firefight was more important to James then what was going on with the kid.

            James was looking out into the darkness. It seemed that the Cong were retreating into the jungle. Maybe they were winning. That thought died instantly. James watched as a small rock like projectile flew in their direction. He swore and covered his head. The kid looked at him, unsure of what was going to happen. Then the explosion came. Dirt and rocks were flung into the air. And the fog that had been rolling in off the river settled in with the dirt.

 

Author's Note

This is a piece that I'm having workshoped in my Creative Writing Class. I've cleaned it up a little bit. Please feel free to ript this piece apart!

Reviews

[M. Amphet Salt]

This is an interesting piece for me to read with me being prior service. You have really great story telling ability and nice structural patterns. I did notice some some editing that needs to be done. In one sentence you wrote "he readied his fun", and I think that you meant to say gun. The word fun is alright if you are appealing to military adience and you specify that they are Marines instead of Soldiers. The Marines have a saying about their gun. I notice to some sentence fragments within the desciption, they did add nicely to the effect in my opinion, but the are fragments and other may not see them this way.
Over all a nice tale about the horrors of war, but the subject could be researched further too heighten the effect of the theme.

[Coyote Poetry]

Nothing to take apart. You told a strong story. War is measure in minutes. Few Soldiers remember the killing and fighting. They remember the feel of being alive and surviving another day. Soldier knew names. (On uniform) But in real combat hard to get close after losing too many friends. War create a forever bond of friendship. A outstanding story.
Coyote

[Mark]

The writing is good, I liked some of the parts about the corporal who only a year older than the kid felt much much older, also fat headed war hungry kids is a kind of funny and often accurate description. However, I am going to tear this apart from a soldiers perspective. Although you write well, you don't know your subject well enough. One glaring error was the fire they had out in the bush. If they are out in the middle of the jungle in a combat zone a fire is the absolute worst thing they could have for a number of tactical reasons that I am not going to get into. Suffice it to say, a fire doesn't seem very realistic here. That was the only big one. The rest of the story was better but it still wasn't convincing to me based on the dialogue and thought processes of the characters as well as the descriptions used. Don't take it too hard, the descriptions of combat as well as the psychological and emotional processes of soldiers are extremely difficult and almost impossible to portray by the layperson. It is quite rare that anyone can do it who hasn't experienced it. Stephen Crane is the only one that I can think of who pulled it off. He wrote The Red Badge of Courage.

[mick weller]

'A fog rolled in off the river; silent, ominous and hungry. The moonlight broke through holes in the cloudy sky. In the distance, the faint rumble of thunder could be heard. The smell of rain carried heavily on the muggy breeze, bringing a chill to the camp.'

Okay, I'm interested in your opening.
I'm there close to a river - yeah' fog is silent - I'm with you - ok, it gets ominous - something bad's goin' to happen.... then hungry? So I have to re-read the line. Why is it hungry? Hungry fog....? OK...
Now moonlight breaks - so moonlight and fog... ok. then a feint distant rumble of thunder can be heard... heard by who? the writer? the narrator?

Then your piece really begins:
The smell of rain carried heavily on the muggy breeze, bringing a chill to the camp.
Ah, now I'm with you... Now I've forgotten the fog and the moonlight...
I feel you're trying to put too much into that opening...
cheers
hope this is helpful!

[T]

Nice-- I really got into it. Your descriptions are vivid and take the reader into the jungle. Great piece, the only thing I noticed is that you sometimes use repetitive descriptions- watch out for redundancy.

[BBuggy]

OMG! WONDERFUL STORY! I almost cried. As far as advice, i might add a few more emotional details that reach out to your readers such as maybe add a part where the Corporal looks at the young kids and sees them at home with their high school sweethearts at the diner or drive in. Also, when it comes to the fighting, i maybe would add a few more details about just how hellish it was. If you need some help I am willing to help you come up with some additions. Overall, it is a very attention grabbing piece. Good job!! : )

[Jared Kardos]

Very effective piece, though I think it might be holding things back.

I can't call myself an expert on Vietnam--never went and all of that--but from what I saw in the class I took about it, it's a lot more hellish.

You could describe more of the crazy jungle that the country holds, how unprepared the soldiers were to face enemies in such a swealtering environment with lizards and animals they never even knew existed. You could describe more of the VC's stealthy manuvers--blending in with the foliage and using their secret tunnels and booby traps to kill off and incampacitate soldiers before they ever knew what was coming. Depending on how far into the war you're in, you could mention the growing disillusionment of the soldiers, wondering why the hell they're there, and show the soldiers that tried to escape with heroin.

Basically, it's a great story, but I think you could benefit to have more.

[Robert Luna]

Sorry took me so long to review this have been slammed at work. But now that I have. I liked this and I think the story line flows perfectly and really pulls me in as reader and I like the details added here and there to bring it together to make you feel connected in a sense to the story and people. You seem to be learning something in that class. I really enjoyed it and think you did a wonderful job with it.


Well Done!!!!!