Were you my friend?

A poem on the verge of a rant... currently under revisions

I thought you were my friend
I even treated you like kin
Everything I had, to you I did lend
But we gave up on each other for men

You tore from me my beating heart
And dug into my skin your poison dart
You caused this rage with in my soul
Rage and hate take their toll

I want to rip you limb from limb
It was never between you and him
But you made me make a choice
And I had to find my own voice

So, I hate your pretty smile
Let’s put this whole ordeal on trial
Let’s tell everyone what you did
Its only yourself you have to kid

Tell everyone about the pain you caused
Tell everyone about all my flaws
Build your army, one by one
I’ll stand alone, I will not run

Turn from me those I trust
All you do is feed my lust
Spin your lies, I’ll build my hate
For our friendship it is too late

All I want you to know
Is that I truly hate you so
So dance your dance, I’ll sing my song
Everyone will know I was right all along

Author's Note

Working on a rewrite....

Reviews

[Tony]

Forgive me for saying but you sound a little angry here! I like the message and you convey a good deal of emotion here. However, there are a few lines that didn't flow so well, they kinda tripped me up...

"Everything I had, to you I did lend" Is one of them. I don't know if it's the fact that I don't read much poetry (even though this said story it kinda looked like a poem so if it is a story sorry for the misunderstanding) or if it really is a "tongue twister" of a sentence. When I read something I look for a smooth flow so in the end my complaint may only be something drawn on personal opinion.

Other than that I don't see anything wrong with it. If you do revise it by all means send me another invite to read it and thanks again for this invite... I have to admit I had to cover one eye for fear of someone's throat being cut out... I was relieved there were no zombies or any blood... phew. I don't know if any of this blabber can help you but... oh well... you get the point: I liked it.

[Brianna Brie]

I thought you were my friend
I even treated you like kin
Everything I had, to you I did lend
But we gave up on each other for men

All I want you to know
Is that I truly hate you so
So dance your dance, I'll sing my song
Everyone will know I was right all along

Enjoyed your opening and closing stanzas the most. Wow, it really sucks to be doubly betrayed by your man and your best friend. So, who in the world can we trust now a days? Not to many woman make it into my home since I got burnt. Glad to see you can smear your anger all over the page. Constructive way to deal with it all.

[BBuggy]

Very nicely written. I think it holds a little more for me as I know the anger and drive behind the poem.
"So dance your dance, I'll sing my song
Everyone will know I was right all along" I think is my favorite part. I can really feel the intense pain and anger in this piece. You do an awesome job of reaching out to the reader with these feelings. Great job sweetie! xoxoxo

[Mr. Lopez]

Man that was smarts. Sound like some one really done you wrong. I know from personal experience the depths of the wounds that only a close and beloved friend can inflict. The message is heard aloud in your words and the emotion has been felt by us all.

[Dawn]

I've been through this experience and it was nice to read something someone else wrote who understands also but I'm sorry it had to happen. Great piece!

[JC Fox]

That is the harsh reality that sometimes comes between friends, great write.

[Stephanie C.]

"Everything I had, to you I did lend "
this doesn't sound right, to me.

"with in" = within

"You caused this rage with in my soul
Rage and hate take their toll "
In the first line you were speaking in past tense,
in the second line you speak in present tense.

"Is that I truly hate you so
So dance your dance, I�ll sing my song "
I'm not too fond of how this sounds, revise? Maybe.


I like the emotion behind this poem, it's very raw.

[Brian Osterhouse]

Your words do the feeling justice.

[Emily B]

The emotion is real, I wonder how much more effectively it would flow if it weren't forced into rhyming stanzas. . . if you pared it down to the most powerful words it might just jump off the page.

[Erotic Goddess]

Tell everyone about the pain you caused
Tell everyone about all my flaws
Build your army, one by one
I�ll stand alone, I will not run

I am on your side my friend, so you are not truly alone! :) I am sorry for the sadness that this so-called "friend" caused and I understand it all too well.

XXOXX

[Blackbirdsong]

I think every woman out there can relate to this one. I know this situation so well and it almost hurts to read it. I say almost because though the friendship is over, you stand triumphant in the end. I can't feel sad about that. Your convey your feelings with strength and depth.

Thank you for sharing this.

take care :)