"On the Palms of Venom"

I pick my poison and its you - Rita Ora

My Saturn pricked from thorns

Blood red stains appeared

Drunk in all the pain 

In this deafening sphere

Lost inside this maze

Likely insanity's near

I grasped the rope so tightly

'Til I reached the atmosphere

The Polaris I'd gazed

Proved it unworthy

For the face of doom was released

Without delay

My voyage betrayed me

As I turn to port,

Pulse and heartbeat ceased

Blissful miss 

With a cyanide kiss

Hell!

That's what it is...

Never again will I touch thy lips,

Lest I will dive 

Holding hands with gravity.

Reviews

[emipoemi]

ummmmmm.......you started off really well in the first two stanzas, but then you lost the musicality (particularly in lines 2 and 3 of Stanza 3.....Stanza 4 is fine, it has it's own little thing going on there, but 3 needs some tweaking). First off: you switch from past to present all over the place (pick a tense and stick with it! lol), and second: "that kept me navigate"? Nuh-uh, my friend, that don't make sense. you need a gerundive or an adjective here, and "navigate" is a verb, as far as I'm concerned.
You have a nice straggler for an ending, though, and that's some having grace. Good start!!

(p.s. "Until I reach atmosphere"....."Til I reach the atmosphere"....needs the "the" and the shortened "until" helps the musicality).

[L.C. Jarrette]

Tenses...urggh! i tend to struggle with that.lol. thanks. i'll have to review it again..
:)

[Chase Dylan]

I agree, Em, sorry for not responding... Can not win with some people, because some have had LOTS of time to stew in mental rot... Let them all have at each other for all I care... Ridiculous crack-heads...

[barleygirl]

I'm not sure how this message connects with the title "venom" . . . and I'm not very good at reading poems that are not so straightforward . . . but all in all, I like your originality & your uninhibited way of describing this scenario in verse. There's some interesting wordplay with occasional rhymes -- nicely done.

[L.C. Jarrette]

Hehe...it's okay, but i like the title though...
:)
thanks for reading margie...

[JayG]

• My Saturn pricked from thorns

Hmm...so you drive a Saturn? Cool. Sorry to hear about the damage.

Not what you meant? I suspected as much, but since you provide no hint, and your intent for the line doesn't make it to the page, as a reader I have only what the words suggest to me, based on my experience and background, which probably don't match yours.

My point is that since there's no way for a reader to know what the words mean to you unless you provide context that's meaningful to that reader, you need to take the reader into account as you write, making them fall into your viewpoint, or by providing touch-points universal to our society, have context for the intended meaning.

When you say, "drunk "in" all the pain in place of "on" the pain I have no reference point, especially given that I don't know what hurts and why.

But you do know, so it works perfectly. Without it, though, one might be impressed with a line or a thought,but the totality of what you're going for—the poem—appears only to you.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Chase Dylan]

It is called abstract writing, and poetry does NOT need to hold your hand and create guide-rails of thought for context...

She def' should keep on writing, because this is great stuff. Kinda sick of seeing you just spout off on everything, and everyone for not conforming to your, in my opinion, rather outdated outlook on writing rules...

Telling someone to just "make it more relatable from my perspective"... Just does no good... Neither does the writer take anything from it but negativity in most cases...

Not what you intended? Well sorry... I suspected as much, but when you mask obscure and vague criticism in with a lecturing tone... Anything goes, eh?

My point is... Before attempting to give all these profound insights into others writing, (especially poetry, a style you, yourself, have claimed to not use...)
Perhaps understand that YOU are not the ultimate say-so on perspective and rule of thumb... Just saying...

Maybe get a new form of criticism... Cause it is tiring to see the same old... Especially when it is an old class of thought, and IN MOST CASES, you take the artists intent worth a grain of salt...

Have a splendid day, I meant no disrespect, just maybe try to connect more with the spirit of whats been written... Before you are so quick to lambaste it for personal affronts...

[emipoemi]

oooooooohhhhh!!!!!!! Right on Sil! Good poetry shouldn't hold the readers' hand, but rather leave bread crumbs about for the readers to follow and piece it all together into their own interpretation. Critiques on such intentions and on personal aesthetic do more harm to the artistic integrity of Poetry as a whole than do good to anyone or anything.
(also meaning no disrespect).....

[JayG]

• It is called abstract writing, and poetry does NOT need to hold your hand and create guide-rails of thought for context...

Except of course the reader isn't aware of your intent for a given line, and so will take the meaning that the words suggest to them. And since you're writing FOR the reader, it would seem that taking into account how that reader will perceive the words.

But you want abstract work? Here's the single most abstract piece I know: " " It's my favorite.

• Kinda sick of seeing you just spout off on everything, and everyone for not conforming to your, in my opinion, rather outdated outlook on writing rules...

Ah well, take two aspirin and call the doctor in the morning if the feeling persists.

• Telling someone to just "make it more relatable from my perspective"... Just does no good...

Well of course not if you're writing for yourself. But if the reader matters you take them into account.

But forget that. I only critique poetry by request. So in this case my words were meant for the one who did that. Your views on what was said are irrelevant. And in fact, aside from complaining about me, you didn't have the courtesy to respond to the poster on the one thing that matters here, the poem. So focus on that, because the goal is to help, not attack those you don't agree with.

[Chase Dylan]

My "sickness" has all to do with your attitude... Your sarcasm aside... If we are bringing the relevancy of what I said into line. I was specifically messaged by said requester, and appreciated for my post... It kinda seems you are the one who is irrelevant...

I did not ask if you had been asked to review this particular piece in your rather shallow way, no, no I did not... Thank you, though, for the bulletin overlay of my own text back to me... But I am quite aware of my goal, and that was not to attack...

It was to perhaps, in your own rather brusque way, in hopes you would hear me... Tell you that some people just do not... How do you put it...?

*And since you're writing FOR the reader, it would seem that taking into account how that reader will perceive the words.*

Take account what... How the reader will perceive it? That is so darn... What reader? What personal experience? What background are we speaking of? What root language? What culture...?
It is like saying the sky is blue... But to some people, it looks gray... So make sure your writing only reaches those who see it as blue...

How is that helpful...? What if they just want to actually throw you for a loop? You have no darn idea, and without an authors note, or semblance of a seed of knowledge as to the original intent... You ARE, and I repeat, ARE... Being quite vague and not helpful by directing general criticism at someone who you are not familiar enough with to do as such...

Again, I meant no disrespect, you seem to mean a great deal of it wherever you go, however...
So good day, sir, and godspeed...

[JayG]

• My "sickness" has all to do with your attitude...

Perhaps it's driving that Saturn that did it? 😊

• Take account what... How the reader will perceive it?

You're trying to communicate an idea or a thought to a reader, and do it in a way that moves them emotionally, and entertains. But to do that it must be meaningful to the reader based only on what the words you choose mean to THEM. And more than that, it must be meaningful in the way you intend. Not an easy job.

You already have the intent, but the reader doesn't—and must or the poem won't make sense. So your JOB, is to give them context that will handle that, while at the same time, not being obvious about it. And it's a b***h to do. They've been developing poetry for a long time. Why not take advantage of that and dig into the tricks of the trade? You worked hard to make it work, and be filled with emotion. And for you it is. But a lot of the story is still in your head. And because you see that, you didn't take the time and words to make the reader know what the word Saturn means to you in-this-context. Remember, you're not there to explain, when it's read. And without context, your reader will probably assume you're either in space or driving one.

It's the poet's art to MAKE the reader "get it."

And: I know you won't appreciate being told this, but you're misusing the ellipsis and it gets in the way of clarity. This may help.
http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/ellipses.asp

But since you feel as you do, I'll just wish you luck with your writinfg career and move on.

[Chase Dylan]

Lmao... You end your interactions by linking me grammar rules... Then you CONTINUE to mock the fact people give constructive feedback...

Here you go...! Two can play this pandering game...

https://www.themuse.com/advice/taking-constructive-criticism-like-a-champ

But I know you probably will not appreciate it, seeing as you are as thick-headed and obtuse as a donkey... Now THAT, was me attacking... Because you are obviously NOT interested in verbal niceties...

So good luck with pretending to be helpful to people, but in actuality you are a self-serving, ego-driven square...

This time I mean disrespect... You could not teach me something in writing if your life depended on it, but feel free to lavish your own big-headed pig-ness by inflating your sense of self with USELESS bravado and pomp...

I would wish you luck, since that seems to be your only muse, but I am afraid that would be an insult to lady-luck...

Moving on would be your best bet, tiger... Seeing as you say nothing with substance, and at your age, the clock really is ticking... Best go harass some more pre-teens with wiki links and your personal pages of writing wisdom... What a joke...

Toodlez, Darlin'

[L.C. Jarrette]

Hello Sir... First of all, thank you for taking the time to read and review my poem.
I believe that we all have our own writing style. There are some cases that we just want to leave the readers and let them dig deeper to find the answer on their own. I have now come to a realization that every reader is free to make their own interpretation.
You said: “I have only what the words suggest to me, based on my experience and background, which probably don't match yours.” That’s absolutely fine sir, having a definite answer is not mandatory here and I think it’s quite impossible.
I think it’s fine if the reader is not aware of the real intent. They could just make their own interpretation of the poem, using their own background and culture as the basis. In that way, they would make that poem their own and how wonderful would that be right? Through this approach, it would then be relatable and more meaningful to them.
I think even though we provide context, for them to understand our intention and let them fall into our viewpoint, they would still perceive it differently , as we are naturally diverse…and that’s what makes it even more beautiful.
We shouldn’t limit it into a single structure. By doing so, we can even learn new things such as knowing another person’s attitude, ideas, beliefs and even culture through his writing.
Thank you very much and God bless you…

Respectfully,
L.C. Jarrette

[Chase Dylan]

This was one of the nicest, kindest, big-hearted things I have ever read... I am humbled, as well, and apologize for being so crass on your page... Could not have said what you just did... With near as close to the dignity and class shown... I am awe-struck... Seriously... I... Wow

[Chase Dylan]

Regardless of some people just being firmly rooted in bad behavior and obscure negativity... You are absolutely, unequivocally correct, Jarrette... Thank you for giving me peace of mind with your shining brilliance... Truly...

[L.C. Jarrette]

It's absolutely fine sir... i understand and i accept your apology. i hope we could all be friends here and lift up each other in this universal endeavor...
:)
let's smile and be happy people!!! lol...

[Chase Dylan]

Aye, let us shirk the fools stagnant insanity, join together as one voice, and bring our joy to the universe! Haha... Works for me

[Coyote Poetry]

Amazing use of words.
"Pulse and heartbeat ceased
Blissful miss
With a cyanide kiss
Hell!"
I liked the above lines. A cyanide kiss. Pretty deadly my friend. Thank you for sharing the outstanding poetry.
Coyote

[L.C. Jarrette]

i like it deadly.lol...it was inspired by this deadly line from rita ora's song "poison"..(love that song)
"i pick my poison and it's you,
nothing could kill me like you do,
you're going straight to my head
and i'm heading straight for the edge."
thank you again sir!

[Coyote Poetry]

I enjoyed these words and you are welcome.