I will not stand for constant thorns.

I will not stand for constant thorns.

A Poem by HungryGhost

You do not seem to
grasp the concept
of me being human
and not an object
I do not need
this boomerang pain
(a tattered fragile
daisy chain)
I will not stand for 
constant thorns
for you adorn 
the devil's horns
Rain cloud 
don't drench my face 
with your rain
for I am made of paper and
you are made of pain.

© 2016 HungryGhost


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The poem has a lot of great points- I, too, enjoyed the phrase "boomerang pain" as it is does not mince words- it's sharp. The picture of the daisy chain pairs well- I get the sense through this image the relationship is something you treasure, but is fated to end- like putting roses in a vase. Beautiful for a time, but ultimately outside of the natural order. This is the best stanza.

If all three stanzas are meant to be the same in rhyming structure (which seems to be the case given the other two are the same), then the first stanza needs some re-work- "hand" and "again" do not rhyme.

Additionally the second and third stanzas are consistent when it comes to not using contractions, but the first stanza does. The asymmetrical use of the contraction in the first stanza doesn't seem to work.

The third stanza has a grammatical error which distracts the reader from the image. Adornment is a noun and must be preceded by an artical (in this case the most appropriate would be "an"). While conventional grammar does not always equal good poetry, in this case your poem has not strayed from the bounds of correct use until this point, so I assume this must be an error and not intentional. I would suggest a revision of this line.

There is real potential in this poem. The second stanza is the best, with the most piercing images- they're simple but very clean. I would suggest taking these two images and expounding upon them, while being careful not to over extend. Simple images can sometimes surprise us with their depth of insight- what is not said is often as loud as what is. The second stanza is the proof- it speaks without rambling- it trusts the reader to understand through relation rather than explanation.

Very good start- keep writing.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This comment has been deleted by the poster.
icomeanon_13

9 Years Ago

I didn't see the word "contradiction" in the review- did you mean contraction? A contraction is two .. read more
HungryGhost

9 Years Ago

Thank you for that piece of information :) Thanks!! :D



Reviews

I love this, it reminds me of rock, paper, scissors...
I like how sparse it is, the clean image,
not cluttering the mind with vagaries

Posted 9 Years Ago


HungryGhost

9 Years Ago

Thank you very much :)
To often a partner thinks only of his/her own need and gain; the other person becomes merely a tool to achieve their own goals, objectified and dehumanized on the alter of the self. Those people really are to be pitied; they'll never really know love, because love puts someone else ahead of self. Excellent phrases: "boomerang pain" and "tattered fragile daisy chain"



Posted 9 Years Ago


HungryGhost

9 Years Ago

Thank you so much for your feedback ! :)
MomzillaNC

9 Years Ago

You're welcome.
The poem has a lot of great points- I, too, enjoyed the phrase "boomerang pain" as it is does not mince words- it's sharp. The picture of the daisy chain pairs well- I get the sense through this image the relationship is something you treasure, but is fated to end- like putting roses in a vase. Beautiful for a time, but ultimately outside of the natural order. This is the best stanza.

If all three stanzas are meant to be the same in rhyming structure (which seems to be the case given the other two are the same), then the first stanza needs some re-work- "hand" and "again" do not rhyme.

Additionally the second and third stanzas are consistent when it comes to not using contractions, but the first stanza does. The asymmetrical use of the contraction in the first stanza doesn't seem to work.

The third stanza has a grammatical error which distracts the reader from the image. Adornment is a noun and must be preceded by an artical (in this case the most appropriate would be "an"). While conventional grammar does not always equal good poetry, in this case your poem has not strayed from the bounds of correct use until this point, so I assume this must be an error and not intentional. I would suggest a revision of this line.

There is real potential in this poem. The second stanza is the best, with the most piercing images- they're simple but very clean. I would suggest taking these two images and expounding upon them, while being careful not to over extend. Simple images can sometimes surprise us with their depth of insight- what is not said is often as loud as what is. The second stanza is the proof- it speaks without rambling- it trusts the reader to understand through relation rather than explanation.

Very good start- keep writing.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This comment has been deleted by the poster.
icomeanon_13

9 Years Ago

I didn't see the word "contradiction" in the review- did you mean contraction? A contraction is two .. read more
HungryGhost

9 Years Ago

Thank you for that piece of information :) Thanks!! :D
good poem, great rhyme's, boomerang pain is magnificent, keep that up and go far, that's my opinion for what its worth :0

Posted 9 Years Ago


HungryGhost

9 Years Ago

Thanks :) I sure will!
The piece shows a tragic aspect of love snatched away... love can be anything... a pet, a toy, parents, siblings etc etc
I liked how the piece made my mind run...

Good write.

Posted 9 Years Ago


HungryGhost

9 Years Ago

Thank you again stonz :) It does. It also shows how some people take your love for granted. I don't .. read more
Stonz P.

9 Years Ago

That was quite evident in your first stanza.
You're welcome.
you have a haunting ache in your voice, so young to be so old

Posted 9 Years Ago


This comment has been deleted by the poster.
This comment has been deleted by the poster.
Very vividly described.. it's better to push away than get hurt twice..
nicely penned!

Posted 9 Years Ago


HungryGhost

9 Years Ago

Thank you so much for your feedback, this means alot!! :)
Sindu

9 Years Ago

welcome :)

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Added on September 9, 2014
Last Updated on September 20, 2016

Author

HungryGhost
HungryGhost

Leeds, United Kingdom



About
I'm 20. Maybe you can find out the rest from my poetry? more..

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