The Story of the creaked mask

As the man takes a knee he picks up a broken shard of porcelain. He looks at it with a look of confusion. He thinks to himself "I know what this is but why does it look so strange to me?" He picked up another and picked up a second piece looking throw the hole in the shard then stumbled to the ground.  He grabs his head. Oh God, This is me! This is who I use to be! images of pills, blades, and rope fill his mind. He sees a train rush by him and a voice saying to him "It would be fast and painless. we can be together soon"

He sees a man wearing a mask standing in a dark wasteland...

He sees the flowers and green start to consume the darkness around this man. He sees a figure in all white stand before the man lightly pressing her hands against the mask. The mask starts to creak and light pours through the creaks. pieces falling to the ground... he falls back seeing the mans face... it is his own.

He sees the two figures join hand and walk into the light...

He watches them for a bit... tears run down his cheeks...

After a bit he sees the darkness creep up but he holds her closer causing the darkness to crawl away burning.

He watches them smile as his tears hit the ground...

He sees a figure take her other hand this figure is little and pure...

The other figure walks over to a flower and takes a knee.

As soon as his hand leaves hers another hand meets her and the little figure vanishes.

He runs to the two figure reaching out but as soon as he touches them they vanish as everything around him starts to wither and die.

He falls to his knees grabbing the withered rose crushing it in his hand...

under his breath, he says " I loved you"

He looks around hating everything he sees. It reminds him of what was and what could have been. He looks up to the sky now filled with thick dark clouds he wishes for the rain but it never comes.  He tears began to roll down his face hitting the ground causing it to turn green once more but in seconds it dies again. He notices a small shard of something.

He starts to claw at the earth. Picking up the pieces. Everything around him changes to his world. He places one over his eye. he places more upon his face then another completing the puzzle till his face is completely covered. This mask is all there is for him.

It is broken and creaked but stays on still as if it was never broken.......

Reviews

[W.J.Quinn]

It works. It's not immediately obvious, which is no bad thing.

The narrative is consistent and has impact.

I think lines like this, "He picked up another and opened up a second piece looking throw the hole then stumbled to the ground"

have suffered from a bad edit? I get what you're saying, but it's not clear what's opening, or what hole we're looking through.

At the close, it's not clear if he's picking up what he already saw at the start, or something new. Again, maybe just a rough edit?

Keep writing though!

[Lord of mad men]

Thank you for your review. I corrected my error but the second thing was on purpose but i see how it would be confusing so i tried to fix it not sure if it worked or not.

[W.J.Quinn]

Much better I think!

Is he placing the shard over an eye, seeing through it, as if it were once moulded there? The fit too perfect to be anything else?

I think you could really up the impact by describing just a little more there ;)

Good work though, like I say, your piece certainly works!

[Lord of mad men]

Yeah, its hard to be detailed when you can not seem to quite your thoughts.

[goddessofwriting]

Enjoyable read. Definitely was intense (I'm guessing that was one of your motives ?). However, I did notice multiple vocabulary errors and bad sentence structure... Were some of them on purpose? If so, then they definitely made the reader much more confused but yearning to know more of the story and such... Though good, maybe you could fix some of the structuring, as some I did not understand at all... Although, if that was the point, then you did well.

Good work.

-G.W.

[Bear]

Critique: (looking throw the hole) looking through

Review: Bravo! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!
I like the theme of your story but the repeated use of "He sees" becomes monotonous. You don't need to highlight everything as being his observation. Here are some suggestion, they are only suggestions:

As the man takes a knee he picks up a broken shard of porcelain. He looks at it with a look of confusion. He thinks to himself "I know what this is but why does it look so strange to me?" He picked up another and opened up a second piece looking throw the hole then stumbled to the ground. He grabs his head. Oh God, This is me! This is who I use to be! images of pills, blades, and rope fill his mind. He sees a train rush by him and a voice saying to him "It would be fast and painless. we can be together soon"


A man was seen wearing a mask standing in a dark wasteland...

where the flowers and green start to consume the darkness around this man. And a figure all white stand before the man lightly pressing her hands against the mask. The mask starts to creak and light pours through the creaks, pieces falling to the ground... he falls back seeing the mans face... it is his own.

He then sees the two figures join hand and walk into the light...

He watches them for a bit... tears run down his cheeks...

After a bit, the darkness creeps up but he holds her closer causing the darkness to crawl away burning.

He watches them smile as his tears hit the ground...

A figure takes her other hand, this figure is little and pure...


The other figure walks over to a flower and takes a knee.

As soon as his hand leaves hers another hand meets her and the little figure vanishes.

He runs to the two figure reaching out but as soon as he touches them they vanish as everything around him starts to wither and die.

He falls to his knees grabbing the withered rose crushing it in his hand...

under his breath, he says " I loved you"

He looks around hating everything he sees. It reminds him of what was and what could have been. He looks up to the sky now filled with thick dark clouds he wishes for the rain but it never comes. He tears began to roll down his face hitting the ground causing it to turn green once more but in seconds it dies again. He notices a small shard of something.

He starts to claw at the earth. Picking up a piece. Everything around him changes to his world. He places it upon his face then another, doing this till his face is covered.

It is broken and creaked but stays on still as if it was never broken.......

[Lord of mad men]

Thank you for your review. I try to change it a bit but right now i am in a very dark twisted place.

[Bear]

I hope everything works out for you, send me a massage if there is anything I can do to help