It's Always Darkest Before the Light

Introduction to the narrator and note to self.

I don't know what to do...

I don't know what to do..

I don't know what to do...

This phrase repeats in my head. Anytime I am at my lowest I hear it like a blood curdling scream in my chest... every time. Even when I recover, the words haunt me.

I don't know what to do...

 I don't know what to do...

I don't know what to do...

I'm not used to feeling helpless either. I remember learning to never let anyone control you... but now,

I don't know what to do.

I want to break things. I want to slam my phone into the concrete so hard my hands bleed. I'd burn down my entire house with me still inside if I could.

Maybe I can drive myself to the ocean and walk down the cold sand to the shore. I'll sit numb as the icy water laps up onto my chest, my bottom half sinking into the surf as the waves eventually wash over my head. My chest will begin to convulse and my lungs will breathe in one big gasp as my pain slips away with the thought of,

I don't know what to do...

In case you didn't know: This is called being destructive. Self-destructive. And I feel like... this ...on one occasion, and one occasion only.

When we fight. (Sirius and I.)

To be more specific, when we fight and I finally reach that point where my sobs are so uncontrollable that you'd believe I could drown in my own tears if possible. It's the same point where there is absolutely nothing I can do to resolve the problem besides completely let go of all composure. All I can do is allow myself to be consumed with helplessness and feelings of betrayal. At least that's how it seems.

In that moment, what I want is resolution... understanding, comfort and love...

Usually what I get is open wounds and insecurities and doubt and this time... a deeply... deeply uncomfortable feeling to harm myself.

I'm not going to act on the thought though... but none the less... These thoughts are anything but harmless. Anyone who knows me wouldn't think I'd ever think things so dark. Only someone who themselves has felt such pain could suspect my thoughts or feelings from the outside.

I didn't used to be like this, now I just refuse to deny the darkness inside. We've met and we held hands as I watched the perfect world I made up in my head drift away. I still refuse to look them in the face though, knowing it will only turn me cold and hard like it does to all it's other victims. A swift and seductive Medusa in my mind she is. But I choose to see this blackness and turn to open my eyes to the truth...

Even when you don't know what to do, or where you are or how you got there... A light will always shine through, that is the truth. Darkness is only to hide the truth. As long as you have the strength to look up from your wet palms and out at the all encompassing sky before you, the water around your neck will fall. You will find a light that will lead you out of the darkness... Every time. I promise.