Sweet Poison

your love will kill all men that come near

I´m falling

Where will i land?

I´m crying

When will you stand?

Your falling

Why can´t i move?

Your crying

Why won´t you remove

Your pleading fear

And my crying eyes

They say we belong

While my heart dies

Author's Note

sorry bout the short poem im working on a new book cover and trying to get some writing in meow!

Reviews

[Rynn]

"I´m falling
Where will i land?" - "I" needs capitalization.

"I´m crying
When will you stand?" - clear rhyme scheme established here, I like that there's a pattern to the piece.

"Your falling
Why can´t i move?" - a twist. This isn't the way I thought the piece was going to go. Again, "I" needs capitalization.

"Your crying
Why won´t you remove
Your pleading fear" - The phrase 'pleading fear' sounds a little clunky. I think you could think of a smoother adverb if not take it out completely. The idea of 'removing' fear is interesting, could be expanded on.

"They say we belong
While my heart dies"- I feel as though the content here is fine, so long as you find a fresh way to word it. Take another look at word choice here.

Overall, very nice work. I like the length of it. I think if you used a few more 'power' words and phrases that this piece could pack a lot of punch. Lot's of potential. Well done. Write on!

-Rynn

[Deadaisycat]

It flows nicely but honestly could use some more concrete detail, it would help bring a better image and make the poem that much more powerful.

[...]

I hope one day somebody remove all your fears. Beautifuly wroten i can feel heart in it.

[otaku-chan]

So beautiful. There's so much pain in love, thank you for writing this poem.

[yuhee]

Love is such a poison. Nicely penned.

[Sapientiam]

I love the ending where the sadness is both perceived as a benevolence and a harm to the speaker. There seems to be a battle on whether the speaker should get up or drown in sorrow, either one bringing sadness that he or she is unaware of getting out of. Great job!

[Dreaded Reset]

thank you so much!