My Older Brothers Wedding

A poem about feeling lonely

My older brother has been waiting

For this moment for a year

And I have been dreading it

So here I stand

In a rented tux

Arm in arm with a woman I’ve never met

Walking down the aisle

With four hundred people I don’t know

Staring at me listening to my older brother

Say I do to the women of his dreams

And I wish could write something

As beautiful as the words

I love you, I love you

Trickling off their lips

And I am lonely

In front of all these people

Like the fault lines

That cause little earthquakes in my heart

Are splitting my face in half

 

And here comes the part of the story

That I have desperately tried to ignore

Because the metaphor

Would cause California to drop into the ocean

This one moment at the reception

With wine glass in hand

My older brother asks me

To stand and make a toast

As I rise I’m thinking

What the f**k am I supposed to say about love

I don’t have a date to the wedding

Except for my roommates

Their girls so they don’t really count

And I have had one too many glasses of wine

To speak in front of all these people

I mumble something to the extent of

Yeah I’m really happy for you congratulations

As I take my seat at the head table

The shaking begins

And nothing can stop the shock waves

Shooting through my veins

In less than three seconds

This solitary earthquake has caused

Billions of dollars in damage

And years for one incredible guy

To repair this lonely heart

 

Because you don’t know what lonely is

Until you have driven one hundred and twenty miles

On the back roads of northern Nebraska

An empty pack of cigarettes and an iPod

That only seems to be playing songs that remind you of him

Lonely is being able to pull onto the side of the road

Because you’ve had three pops in the past two hours

And haven’t peed once, relieving yourself

And only hearing the sound of a dog barking in the distance

 

Lonely is sleeping in a double bed

Making room for phantom limbs

That engulf your body every night.

The hand that reaches over your shoulder

The lips that kiss the back of your neck

It’s rolling over and feeling a pillow

Every night before my eyes

Close like curtains after a summer storm

I try to Photoshop me and you together

Create an image

We would place on our wedding invitation

Telling the world

That you love me

But every time I try

The pixels never match

The colors of love gone wrong

Can’t bleed together

Create a seamless image of happiness

I know that it’s never good

To hang on to a love this long

 

But I remember the night I told you

I would give up everything for you

Then maybe I wouldn’t be where I am

Wasted, sitting at a table alone

My fingers clenching a half empty beer can

As my intoxicated mind attempts to count

The empty ones sitting on the table

Stacked perfectly in a miniature pyramid

But my eyes hazy and heavy with the weight of alcohol

Cannot keep them in one place long enough

And no one has asked me to dance except my mother

But I smile and wave to the happy couples preparing to leave

Thinking about renewing their own vows

I tell them thanks for coming

And as they walk away from the dance floor

I can’t help but think

They never have to feel what lonely is