An Open Letter To Casey Carr

A poem about being bullied

Maybe you felt as different as me

Maybe you had jumping jacks in your brain

That made you say those things

Maybe your tongue was karate chopping your teeth

Chipping the enamel until the word f****t

Fell from your lips

In a small rural town in Nebraska

Where everyone is straight and white

You were the only person of color

And I was the only homosexual

So tell me why you made my life a living Hell

From preschool till high school graduation

 

Did you have cannonballs for fists firing at my face?

The day you forced my pants to the ground

Exposing my 12 year old naked body

To everyone in 6^th grade band

When you laughed at my tears

Did it fill the void in your ego?

I can’t be naked in the privacy of my own home

My body still carries that humiliation

 

Did you think my life was a welcome mat?

That you walked all over

Without thought of dropping

An internal atomic bomb

Leaving my body in ashes

 

Did you willingly take the knife

From the kitchen cupboard

Simply to carve canyons across my plains?

I have given each bloodstream

A name you called me

F*g River

Gay Lake

P***y Creek

They empty into Queer Gulf

Where the pain will evaporate

Forming hurricanes of depression

Devastating my self-worth

Triggering the thought

That I will never be good enough

 

When you called my brothers

And told them you knew where I lived

Explained in excruciating detail

How you would smash my face against the pavement

Then tie my feet to your bumper

And drag me through the streets

Until my heart stopped beating

Do you know the amount of fear I lived in?

I didn’t leave my apartment for three weeks

I wore my best running shoes for months

When I finally walked into the sun

I kept looking over my shoulder

Searching for a face I could recognized

 

I still search for a face I can recognize in the mirror

Scouring for the more confident me

But you took that from me

Before I could develop into the man

I thought I would become

Your bullets have left me

On the side of the road

Like a wounded deer

Gasping for safe air

 

I still hear people saying

High school will be

The best four years of your life

I know for a fact this can’t be true

Every year I grow

Further away from you

Gets better and better

My best is yet to come

 

I am a shape shifter

Trying not to let my past

Get the best of me

I am not looking for remorse

I have rivers full

I am not looking for pity

I am simply trying to find

Answers to questions I will never ask

And no amount of fake apologies

Will make me forgive you

 

I know hate is a strong word

I save it for the worst kind of people

And there is not a doubt in my mind

When I say I f*****g hate you

Reviews

[Dove]

... Wow. This poem is so freaking beautiful. I felt the emotion in every single word. Half way through this piece I was on the verge of tears. You are a very strong writer. I dont know for sure if its true but if it is I give you your props. It takes a lot to be able to put your feelings down in writing and then allow other people to read it. This is absolutely stunning!

[Lucas Jay]

Thanks!

[nea la queen]

This poem was so touching i have a brother who is also gay and he's been thru alot as far as discrimination and people who simply fear what they dont understand its a shame that people cant see pass what in their mind is considered normal and because of their ignorance so many innocent people become hurt they dont realize how much power their tongue holds and sadly even if they knew it still wouldnt stop them from tearing a person apart mentally, physically and emotionally i feel ur pain through ur words! Great work!

[Lucas Jay]

thank you so much!

[TheReal]

Sadly pain is beautiful. You nailed this.

[Lucas Jay]

thank you!

[Lost in Wonderland]

Wow, such a raw and sad poem. People who have the nerve to bully and threaten people lack that just make me mad. I don't care who you are, or what you've done no one deserves to live in fear like that. Great poem filled with emotions. I was shocked and saddened and admired you refreshed strength and dignity at the end. Very well done:) I hope your happy in life now!
God Bless

[Lucas Jay]

thanks!