Of Carrots and Rainbow Pride Leprosy

Is she looking at me?

            Brian looked up from the note and rolled his eyes at her. He tossed it back.

            Look for yourself. I’m not your seeing eye dog.

            Rose checked to see if Mr. Edwards was still blathering on and then stuck her tongue out at Brian. Brian stuck his tongue out at Rose.

            Rose tossed the note back.

            BRIAN. DON’T BE A JERK. I’M DYING HERE.

            Brian rolled his eyes again, but still glanced over his shoulder to the back of the classroom. He tossed her the note.

            Yep. Like usual.

            She inwardly squealed.

            The bell rang for lunch.

            The students around her shuffled their things into their bags and headed for the door. Rose turned and looked back.

            If Mandy Tollstein had been looking in her direction recently, she sure wasn’t then -- she was gathering her things like the rest of the students (though most students had more things to gather than a small notebook and a pencil) and glaring at nothing in particular. At least until an unsuspecting soul had the misfortune to bump her shoulder.

            “Watch it, moron,” Mandy hissed, scowling at the poor girl until she apologized at least five times and then made a run for it.

            Rose was still gazing at the other -- slightly more threatening -- girl when Brian grabbed her hand and pulled her to the door. “Come on, Romeo, I don’t have time to wait for you to put your eyes back in your sockets.”

            Rose started to protest but stopped. She had faced the facts: when it came to Mandy, she did have an itsy bitsy teeny weeny little staring problem. A staring problem that she thought -- at least according to what her friend told her -- was becoming mutual.

            “I can’t help it, Brian,” she said, allowing him to lead her out of the classroom. “She’s like a magnet. And my eyes are metal chips or something. All she has to do is walk within 20 feet and ZING! my eyes go to her like… well, metal to a magnet!  I’m the innocent here.”

            Brian snorted. “Only because she hasn’t given you the opportunity to get soiled.”

            Rose closed her eyes. “Oh, yes. That goes without saying.”

            When Mandy had entered the high school at the beginning of the year, Rose Gellar had been irreversibly hooked. She had been stapling GSA fliers to the school’s corkboard when Mandy had stomped through the front doors -- if they’d been in a bad 80s movie, a mysterious indoors wind would have blown Mandy’s short dark hair back and the cheesy soundtrack would have swelled like a sprained ankle. Rose was so instantly smitten that she’d stapled the flier to her hand instead of the corkboard -- twice -- and hadn’t even noticed.

            She’d tried not to be smitten, she really had -- there were quite a few reasons why it was a bad idea to be crushing on the new girl. One, she didn’t know if Mandy even liked girls (although the voice in Rose’s head cried out she does! she does! look at those boots! look at that hair! she must! we’re meant to be!). Two, there was the slight problem of Mandy actually being a bit of a jerk, so if Rose was wrong and she didn’t like girls (or, heaven forbid, she just didn’t like Rose), there could be quite painful repercussions. And three, Rose’s ex-girlfriend Cam, with whom Rose was still good friends, hated Mandy with a passion (not in the least because of Mandy’s jerktastic tendencies) and would probably throw a hissy fit if Rose ever did actually manage to catch and hold on to Mandy.

            And yet, despite all of these things, Rose remained firmly crushed.

            “Are you sure she was looking at me?” Rose asked, trusting Brian to lead her to their usual lunch table as she craned her neck searching for Mandy. “When I looked, she wasn’t looking at me.”

            “I cross my heart, hope to die, blah blah blah,” Brian tugged her wrist extra hard. “Geez, Rose, get a grip. Yes, she was looking at you, the same way she always looks at you in class. Nay, always stares at you in class. She’s just better at it than you and always manages to look away before you find her out. Can we talk about something else?”

            “If you’re lying to me right now I’m totally going to kill you. Straight-up kill you. No fun torture, no silly taking of hostages, I’m talking bullet-through-the-head-BANG-you’re-dead-kill-you.”

            “I swear!” Brian plopped down at the table Rose hadn’t noticed they’d arrived at. “Though I don’t guarantee it’s because she likes you. She could be plotting your demise. She is evil, you know. What has happened to your taste in girls, by the by? How can it encompass both Cam, who is perfect and heavenly in every way, and Mandy Tollstein, who is the devil?”

            Rose sat down across from him as he unpacked his lunch. She had also brought a lunch, but was too caught up in obsessing to remember to eat it. “One, there is nothing wrong with my taste in girls! And, two, Mandy is not the devil. She’s just misunderstood. Angrily misunderstood. With a penchant for biting sarcastic wit. There’s a difference!”

            “She told Cam she was going to do unspeakable things to her with knitting needles because Cam bumped into her in the hallway. And not ‘unspeakable’ in a hot way.”

            “Maybe that was just a bad day for her!”

            Brian started to laugh but choked on the carrot he’d thrown into his mouth. Rose leaned over to pound him on the back.

            “Oh, good. Just in time for the death scene, I see. Carry on.” Mandy slid into the spot next to Rose on the bench and looked interested as she watched Brian choke.

            Rose stopped pounding and stared at her. Brian gasped for breath and turned slightly blue.

            “Hi,” Rose said.

            “Hi,” Mandy said. She studied Rose for a moment, then turned her eyes back to Brian. “Just gonna let him die, are you? No judgment here. In fact, I’d say that might improve the quality of his company.”

            Brian, eyes watering and red, fist pounding at his own chest, gave her the finger. Rose snapped out of her daze.

            “Oh! Oh, right. Yes. Brian. Here, Brian.” She grabbed him and jerked him up and back. The carrot flew out of his throat and he dropped his head to the table, panting heavily.

            “Shame, that,” Mandy said, taking a handful of Brian’s carrots.

            Rose sat down again and forgot Brian’s existence. “Hi, Mandy.”

            Mandy raised an eyebrow. “We already did the greeting thing. Now it’s time for the telling-you-what-I-want thing.”

            “Oh, yes. Of course. What you want.” Rose’s heart rate sped up. Please say me, please say me, please say me…

            Across the table, Brian continued to pant like he’d run a marathon.

            Mandy leaned forward. “Now, you’re gay, right, Gellar?”

            Rose’s brain froze. Is this a dream? Did I fall asleep? “Um, well, yeah. I mean yes -- yes, I’m gay… How could you tell?”

            Mandy snorted. “There’s a rainbow flag sewn to your backpack. And stuck on the back of your car. And drawn on to your shoes. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist.”

            She knows what my shoes look like! She’s looked at my shoes! “Yes, well. I may possibly have a slight case of rainbow pride.”

            “A slight case? I’d call it full blown rainbow pride leprosy -- instead of your body parts falling off they turn into rainbow flags.”

            Across the table, a slightly recovered Brian gagged and launched a new coughing fit at the word leprosy.

            “Nothing wrong with that. Right?” Rose tugged at her braid, feeling her cheeks heat up.

            “Maybe.” Mandy sat back and studied Rose again; her eyes seemed to linger leisurely at the low neckline of Rose’s shirt. Rose took that as a good sign and blushed harder. “See the thing is, Gellar,” Mandy put her black-booted foot up on the bench and wrapped an arm around her knee, “I have to write a paper about gayness for this psych class I’m taking over at the community college and I have no idea what I’m talking about. I want your help.” 

          

            Rose’s heart sank. A paper. About gayness. That she needs help with. Because she isn’t gay. Well doesn’t that just freaking suck.

            “Oh. Oh. Well, okay, I guess. What did you want me to --”

            “What is she doing here?” Cam asked, slamming down next to a nearly recovered Brian, who jumped at seeing her and then blushed fiercely himself.

            “She’s just asking me for help with a paper, Cam,” freaking unfortunately, “so be nice.”

            Mandy glared at Cam and slid a little closer to Rose on the bench.

            “What do you care, cheerleader?” She said cheerleader as though it were an insult. “You’re not her girlfriend.”

            “I care because I’m not a horrid little brat like you, Tollstein.” Cam shook her styled hair out of her eyes. “Rose is my friend and I will not have you tormenting her like you do everyone else!”

            Mandy slid even closer to Rose. Rose thanked her lucky stars.

            “I’m not tormenting anyone, am I, Gellar?” Mandy turned to Rose. Rose looked from her to Cam.

            “You people are ridiculous,” Brian rasped from where he’d been forgotten. “Girls. Freaking girls. I should turn gay just so I don’t have to freaking associate with you people anymore.”

            Mandy jerked her head to stare at him. “You’re not gay? I thought you were gay.” She scowled at him and slid closer so that her hip was pressed up against Rose’s.

            “Oh, God,” Brian said. “You’re going to target me now, too, aren’t you? You can have her, I swear. Just keep the knitting needles to yourself!”

            Cam shoved Brian. “Way to throw your best friend to the wolf!”

            “What is wrong with you people?” Rose asked, only slightly dazed by the fact that she was currently touching Mandy Tollstein’s hip.  

            “She’s hitting on you, Rose, you idiot!” Brian gesticulated wildly.

            “No, she’s probably going to lure you somewhere and kill you.” Cam emphasized the last two words by slamming one of Brian’s carrots on to the table.

            Mandy glared at them both.

            Well, this is getting rather humiliating, Rose thought.

            “Stop it, you two. Like I said, she just wants help with a paper,” freaking unfortunately, “she is not planning on killing me and she is not hitting on me -- she’s not even gay! So just leave us alone.”

            “I’m not?” asked Mandy.

            “I told you!” said Brian and Cam. They looked at each other and frowned. “No, I  told her!”

            “Not what?” Rose asked.

            “Gay.”

            “Oh,” Cam said, frown falling away. “Oh.”

            “No, you’re not.” Rose said, “I’m fairly certain.”

            “How can you be so sure?” Mandy asked.

            Brian turned to exchange an exasperated look with Cam, but her eyes were glued to Mandy and Rose as though they were her favorite soap opera. He let his head fall to the table and muttered something about freaking girls.    

       

            “Because if you need my help to write a paper on homosexuality, you’re not gay. Right?”

            “What if ‘I need your help with this paper on gayness’ is really my code for ‘I want you to come make out with me in the back of my car’? Am I gay then?”

            “Ooooh,” Cam said, her eyes flicking to Rose. “I think that means she’s gay, Rose.”

            “Shut up, cheerleader,” Mandy said, not looking away from Rose.

            Cam raised her hands in surrender. “Hey, down, girl! No threat here! You want to be gay with Rose, you go be gay with Rose! Maybe it’d sweeten you up a bit!”

            “Shut up, Cam,” Brian said, not lifting his head from where he’d dropped it.

            “If that’s what you meant, then, yes, yes, I would say that makes you gay,” Rose said, trying to figure out with Mandy was messing with her or not. She certainly seemed serious enough.

            “So you’ll help me with my paper?”

            “To clarify, this paper actually just involves making out in your car?” Yes. Please say yes. This is the best dream ever.

            Mandy rolled her eyes. “You have no aptitude for codes, Gellar. What’s the point of me making up ingenious codes if you’re just going to force me to decode them every time I use them? Yes, okay? Geez.”

            “This is so romantic,” Cam sighed.

            “This is so nauseating,” Brian groaned.

            “I am so incredibly there,” Rose said, picking up her bag. “Bye, guys, see you whenever, Mandy, are you coming?” Rose was already heading toward the parking lot.

            “What, now?” Mandy looked after her from the bench, then scrambled up. “Geez, Gellar, eager much?”

            “I am deciding that what you just said is code for ‘yes, my dear, I will be right there, I am forever astounded by your good ideas and lack of respect for class attendance.’ To which I reply, hurry up.” Rose held her hand out for Mandy to grab. “Some of us have been waiting for this for a very long time.”

            Mandy took the hand. “Don’t I know it, Gellar. Let’s make a run for it!”

            Brian and Cam watched the two girls run to the parking lot with very different expressions.

            “Cheer up, Brian,” Cam chirped. “This means she won’t pick on either of us now! Hooray!”

            “Save the cheerleading for the football team, Cam. This is a time for sad reflection.”

            “Hmm, actually, I’ve been meaning to ask you, Brian,” Cam said, chomping on another carrot. “I have a paper on bisexuality that I’ve been wanting to write --want to help?”

            “Bisexuality? I’m not -- oh. Oh.” Brian shot up straight. “There is no earthly way I would ever say anything but good god yes to that question.”

            “Glad to hear it,” Cam smiled, “but if we want to start working on it, we’re going to have to go right now.” She nodded her head at where Mr. Edwards was meandering toward the door to the parking lot.

            “You got it, girl,” Brian said, his day finally looking up. Way up.

            They scooped up the carrots and ran.

            

Reviews

[Wandering Violet]

I really was laughing out loud while I read this. Great story, highly amusing yet not without its realistic emotional moments too. Brilliant job, loved it!

[Miranda Manne]

"They scooped up the carrots and ran"...what a perfect ending.

I love this story. It is, first and foremost, f*****g hilarious. And for another, it's honest: the highschoolers speak like highschoolers, the nauseated boy like a nauseated boy, and the b*****s like b*****s.

I'll be coming back to this one, for sure.