Ambivalent.

A Story by mads

a story from two different perspectives via. a romantic relationship.

“the cheated on and the cheater…”

It was a late night. Sitting at home all alone wondering if she would hear from you. She had tried almost everything to get some sort of acknowledgement back from you. Tissues surrounded her while she sat there questioning “Am I even good enough?”.

Hours later tears were still streaming down her face… she finally received a message unfortunately it wasn't from you. She had been told that you were caught in the act. Yes the act, the same type of act she had a feeling all along. The constant guilt and fear that you were one day going to leave her for someone else. The fear she knew all along that she wasn't truly enough for you.

The act you committed was so betraying that as she read that message she felt her heart sink down to her stomach, as if she had been punched in the gut so many times that she couldn't even breathe properly. She was shocked, confused, angry and felt so unsure of all her emotions all she could really do was cry. She cried so hard her eyes began to swell and become sore. And not just any type of sore, no the same type of pain she got when she found out the truth. That same hurt that made her heart wrench so much that she felt as if her whole entire body was falling off the grid and becoming so tormented she felt completely empty and broken on the inside. No one would understand how she felt…. she then heard footsteps coming down the stairs.

It was her mother. She rushed to hold her so tight and kept questioning what’s wrong. Indeed she had no clue how she ended up feeling so achy on the inside, that she couldn't even explain to her own mother what had happened. She begged her to just give her space as her tears kept cascading down her face as if her eyes were a broken beaten up river.

After her mother disappeared back into the darkness she decided to pick up her phone and text you one last time regarding the awful news she had just been told.

You on the other hand were out on a guy’s night. You had noticed that she had sent you multiple messages and many missed calls were popped up on the screen. At first you didn't know if you should just delete what she had sent or to continue along with your night and act as if you hadn't seen her name pop up on your phone a dozen times….One of your buddies decided to joke around with you and take your phone away as if he would get some sort of satisfaction out of it.

You were all so wasted you couldn't even really make out what you have done. You committed the act she would talk to you about endlessly on how scared she was if it were to happen one day. You promised her stating you wouldn't allow that to happen. You lied about everything, from the “I love you’s” to the late-night talks and future promises. Everything.

Your buddy finally gave you your phone back. You decided to open what she had sent you, at first you didn't believe she knew so you denied the truth. You told her it wasn't true what she had been told. You then reversed the guilt and put it all on her, she felt so hurt that as you stated “If you truly trusted me, you wouldn't be constantly questioning” trick. She then thought it was all her fault and all the damage that had been done.

You were a coward, you didn't want to admit the truth to her because you knew well enough, deep down that you had ruined her completely. Head to toe. Both emotionally and mentally.

You continued on with your night with the boys and decided to shut off your phone because you didn't feel like dealing with “drama” when you just didn't want to acknowledge what had been done. The girl that you committed this crime with was on your arm for the rest of the night, you didn't mind because you enjoyed each and every moment with a complete stranger while someone who loved you so much was broken all alone at home.

It was around 2:30 am she had still been crying while you were considerably “having the time of your life”. She thought to herself “I will never love again nor trust again”. However, you on the other hand were so drunk out of your mind, that while she constantly thought about you, you couldn't even have the audacity to recognize that she existed.

The next morning, she felt some sort of relief and a new sense to start fresh, yes she was still upset but she also felt as if she could conquer anything. You on the other hand were hungover, the same “sick to my stomach” feeling she got when she heard the news. You decided to call her. While you were calling her, she was getting ready for a girls day to help out with her new self and to also mend her broken parts. You finally realized what you had done.

She saw that you had called her…seeing your name made her feel so disgusted the best thing she could do was to shut off her phone. Kind of like the same way you shut her out when all she wanted to do was love you like no other. So you texted her an apology. You noticed that the message wasn't delivering. You came to terms that either she blocked your number, or her phone was off. You decided to just leave it, in hopes of seeing the little description “Delivered” underneath.

The days went on…she felt brand new as her broken heart had morphed her into a stronger woman while you sat at home feeling entirely off the edge. You still never heard back from her. You constantly kept tabs on her. With constantly checking her social media to see what she had been up to and to also noticing all your photos had been deleted. You felt empty… the same emptiness she had felt. You laid there depressed and weepy. You concluded that it was over, she was done with you. Yes she wasn't completely over you but she had unmistakably came to her terms that she would never ever go back to you. While you were so broken you knew she didn't want to go back to something that had hurt her and you also had the feeling that you could never forgive yourself deep down. Having the feeling knowing you broke her trust made you feel a sense as if you lost a part of your soul. You were a coward whom will never feel the same again, she was the girl that had been broken but will notice her worth and give it her all to feel like herself again.