Deep in a Crack

Deep in a Crack

A Poem by mattavelli
"

Its a short rhyming fantasy.

"



Deep in a crack, where the floor meets the wall,
there's a path that winds back to a doorway so small
that the tiniest ant couldn't squeeze in or crawl,
but this story will walk you right through.

So, just loosen your thoughts to what comes from the reading
and try not to guess at the plot, where it's leading,
as whimsy surrounds us and logic's receding.
We're here, the way's open, let's go...

We step outo a land where minds go when they wander,
where artists employ what the daydreamers squander,
while philosophers stack thoughts like blocks, as they ponder;
all ignoring our casual stroll.

Many things are familiar, yet shifted askew.
Like, our shadows walk with us, mimicking what we do
and they constantly whisper about déjà vu, 
insisting that we know the future.

The horizon's a slide show of cities and field.
As we watch them go by, fantasies are revealed.
And they lure our hearts to the pleasures they'd yield, 
but that's a journey for you to write.

The reason we're here's not to find paradise
or to go up a mountain for my grand advice.
All this rhyming's a spell to coax your sacrifice.
I want space for my thoughts in your memories.

And I'll chase you all day, through what landscapes you choose,
'til, with evening, we tire and you grant or refuse
my single desire. You've so little to lose.
Let it rest, the spell is still spinning.

Looking up to the sun, it just smiles and winks.
Then it's gone and the sky holds its breath while it sinks
through a radiant spectrum to the blackest of brinks,
where it skids to a stop amid sparks.

The stars in this sky aren't like other stars.
They're an army of fireflies locked up in jars,
each containing a dream that was flung from the bars
of an imagination caged in order.

And we dance in the night, our toes tickling the grass,
throwing stones wrapped in thunder to shatter the glass.
With each burst of release, booming echoings pass
and hope's back, free to pilot the breeze.

But, as winds trade their whistle for thrashing, we stumble,
and the gusts scoop us up as the ground starts to crumble
in a great swirling storm that subsides with a mumble,
leaving me to drift in the void.

So, I've lost you, my anchor, whose eyes ruled the page.
You, who gave me a moment to soften my rage.
You were real, no mirage. I was free from the cage.
I will remember you.



© 2016 mattavelli



Author's Note

mattavelli
Please let me know what you think.

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Reviews

Lovely visualization and romantically told. The beginning jovial tone transitioned smoothly into one that was more grand and dramatic. I understand that the first few stanzas are laying the foundation for the rest, but it feels just a tad too long. Overall, though, very good work with this piece.

Posted 1 Year Ago


mattavelli

1 Year Ago

Thanks, Clifford. :)
I LOVE the construction of this! I didn't think I was going to like the rhyme scheme but it's used so cleverly. The rhythm is consistent and reminds me of "The Fairy Reel" by Neil Gaiman. Love it.

Posted 1 Year Ago


mattavelli

1 Year Ago

Thank you, Julia. :)
I'll look for Neil's writing.
I liked the photo and the logic/thoughts in the poem.
"And we dance in the night, our toes tickling the grass,
throwing stones wrapped in thunder to shatter the glass.
With each burst of release, booming echoings pass
and hope's back, free to pilot the breeze. "
The above lines are wonderful. We can learn from anyone or anything. Life is simple. Enjoy each new day. Thank you my friend for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

Posted 1 Year Ago


mattavelli

1 Year Ago

Thank you, Coyote. :)
The child in the photo is my son.
Coyote Poetry

1 Year Ago

I have three grandchildren. One is two. Best times for me. Time with them and you are welcome.
It is a story on its own. Yet when the stanzas are taken individually, it seems like they can stand alone. Amazingly written! And it even involved the reader in it.

Posted 1 Year Ago


mattavelli

1 Year Ago

Hi, Oydrin, thanks for reading and ther feedback. :)
I love this! What a delightful experience to come along with you - as indeed it felt as if I was there with you in the poem on the page. Love your rhyme and the entire piece. Bravo!

Absolutely especially "The stars in this sky aren't like other stars.
They're an army of fireflies locked up in jars, " how perfect!

Posted 1 Year Ago


mattavelli

1 Year Ago

Thank you. :)
I'm glad you liked it. I had a lot of fun writing it.
I think you deserve a gold star at the top of your page Matt. I love the internal rhymes in this as it goes along. Excellent poetry. :-)

Posted 1 Year Ago


mattavelli

1 Year Ago

Thank you, Relic. :)
Hello poetry looks different. I'm going to try it out.
Relic

1 Year Ago

I have an account there but I've been absent for a couple of weeks. There are some great writers the.. read more
i loved that. it was really descriptive and i could imagine everything clearly

Posted 1 Year Ago


mattavelli

1 Year Ago

Thank you, Abigail. :)
I am a big fan of rhyme so you got me straight off.
Very fun and really enjoyed it!
Since you asked for thoughts I have just two.

Third stanza. "We step outo a land". Was that a typo or intentional. 'Out to' or 'onto'
If I may also, but up to you totally, a suggestion... Fourth stanza from the bottom might sound cleaner with a few less words to help the flow.


The stars in this sky aren't like other stars.
They're an army of fireflies locked up in jars,
each containing a dream flung from the bars (this is where I took two words out)

Overall though it was super. Great imagination!

Posted 1 Year Ago


mattavelli

1 Year Ago

Hello, Ana, thanks for reading and the feedback. :)
Yes, the "outo" is intentional.
I.. read more
Matching Socks

1 Year Ago

Makes sense Matt. I've enjoyed reading your writing.
I really enjoyed this! It made me think of my own imagination and how sometimes I think up strnge imaginings or stories. Great job!

Posted 1 Year Ago


mattavelli

1 Year Ago

Thank you, Lindsay. :)
LindsayAmelia

1 Year Ago

you're welcome! :D
Hi, Matt!

Herein, you've freed your pen's soul to dance and soar, to sweep across and down the page, revealing the vast expanse of your imaginative, creative powers, and the result stands before us … a marvelous work most of us could only dream of producing.

Every poem tells a story of one sort or another, but it is the formation of a work that makes it a poem, and this is definitely a poem (rather than a story), composed of Tercets in mono-rhyme, each with its own uniquely original, descriptive refrain … a quite brilliant work, really … one of your (if not the) most excellent pieces from your skilled artist's hand.

Each verse stands alone as an original mini-story, captivating the reader's mind by its first line, holding attention until its revealing refrain. Flow (though, unmetered) and word choices are mostly impeccable, but I'd admonish you to take ample time with this rather amazing piece to rid the dross from some of your longer lines (such as: "couldn't" in L3 to "can't" and V2L1, lose "just", and so forth, throughout) to improve smoother cadence even more-so, in order to give this work its fair due as a virtual masterpiece, My Friend … it deserves it, it's REALLY that good.

Considering the accuracy of all the rest, I am assuming "outo" is poetic-license, and though cute, it's a stumble, a stick-in-the-eye this does not deserve, so I'd relent and replace it with "out to", "onto", or better yet, "into", for the sake of curing an unnecessary/unneeded toe stub. V3L1, omit "where". V3L2, get rid of "the" … it's a waste of wording, and again, stems flow. V4L2 is very awkward … I know you can do far better. These are merely a few examples where you can refine this splendid piece, polishing-off rough corners that keep if from its full sheen. Give each word and line throughout your very best effort, Matt … this one is more than a little special. If you're not intent on it, I'd love the opportunity to edit this one for you … just let me know. : )

There are so many exciting power lines, phrases, and verses, it seems unfair to single anything, but (for me) this really did it!

"So, I've lost you, my anchor, whose eyes ruled the page.
You, who gave me a moment to soften my rage.
You were real, no mirage. I was free from the cage.
You, I will remember."

What a marvelous homage to your readers, your captivated fans, those whom come to read, respect, and revel in your amazing skills, Matt … thank you, My Friend, for the generous, thoughtful, and unforgettable recognition! ⁓ Richard


95/100
Now, go clean it up … LOL!


Posted 1 Year Ago


mattavelli

1 Year Ago

Hey, Richard. :)
Thank you very much for the thoughtful review and critique. I had a lot of f.. read more
Richard

1 Year Ago

Just a little cleanup, a littler spit shine and buff of corners here and there, Matt.
It will.. read more
Richard

1 Year Ago

DEEP IN A CRACK … [EDITED]
“homage to my readers”

Deep in a crack … wh.. read more

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Added on March 15, 2016
Last Updated on May 10, 2016

Author

mattavelli
mattavelli

FL



About
LIFE IS A PARTY. DON'T BE A PINATA. ------------------- Hello, Welcome to My page. I'm Matt. I enjoy reading and writing poetry. If you have a poem that you'd like me to read, please let me know .. more..

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